Week Zero

Over the last few weeks I’ve found it really hard to eat healthily for any length of time. In between my holiday and last weekend’s mini break, I found myself in the ‘there’s not much point in being good’ mindset, and as such I’ve gained a few pounds.

Because I feel so much better than I did a year and a half ago, it’s really easy for me to be relaxed about it. But the fact remains I’m not content where I am now, and I want to put what I’ve already done to one side for the time being. It’s really important to look at how far I’ve come, but for now I want to get back the motivation and excitement I had at the beginning.

For that reason, at least as far as Slimming World is concerned, I’ve restarted my progress. I still have weight records via Fitbit dating back to 2015, but it’s good to have a nice blank page and start afresh.

I’ve taken all new measurements and later on I’ll ask Mr. S to help with my new ‘start pics’. I’m going right back to basics with weighing and measuring the foods that require it, and eating plenty of Speed Foods. Plus I want to keep my activity levels up on days I’m not training. A rest day isn’t a euphemism for a do-nothing-at-all day!

I’m still much too sore to train today, mostly because of my butt bruise, but tomorrow I’ll be out there no matter what to see how I get on. I’ve loved all the walking and hiking I’ve done lately, but there’s also nothing quite like running.

IMG_0761

I’m fairly happy with my Fitbit average for the year so far, but I plan to be even happier with it. Last year’s average, even though I started in the 18 stone bracket, was in the 15’s. If I end this year in the 13’s then I’ll be a happy girl!

Right then. I’m now off to do a mountain of washing, drive my mum to an appointment, get some steps in and above all BE HEALTHY!

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Hayley x

Train in Rain

It has been chucking it down since I woke up this morning. I had an atrocious sleep (about three hours) and knew I wasn’t getting off again any time soon so I got up to let Pea out while I had my pre-workout coffee. She has been so affectionate lately, but she soon deserted me for her window perch so she could watch the rain for a while.

My trainer couldn’t come out to play today so I headed out to my usual haunt when I’m training alone, except I’m getting bored with my four laps around the green so I thought I’d venture further into the woods.

I am a little concerned over how isolated I am when I do this so I think I’ll invest in some self-defence lessons, just to be extra careful.

I’ll give the local dog walkers credit where it is due, as even though the view from my car window when I arrived at the nature reserve looked like this, there were still loads of people about, at least on the easy access path.

IMG_5573

As I got further in though it was just lil ol’ me for the best part. I only saw one other jogger until I was nearly back at the car.

IMG_5575

Today I wasn’t just exploring a new route – because I knew there would be less people around I decided to try out running without wearing leggings under my joggers. I’ve spoken before about ‘the dreaded applause’ (that noise where your loose skin is flapping about and it sounds like someone’s clapping) and I decided to see if I still get it when I run.

Sadly, I do, so the first mile was mostly just walking until I got away from the dog walkers. Even when I was totally alone the sound was so cringy, I’m definitely not going to be able to wear just joggers any time soon. What I do hope is that my body shape improves enough with my continued fitness/weight loss regime that I’ll at least be able to wear running leggings on their own without looking totally ridiculous.

That’s one goal, but another one I’ve added to my list seems so out there at the moment. My trainer said at some point he wants to get me to do an eight minute mile. Previously I would have scoffed at that, but if anyone can help me achieve it then it’s him. The good thing is he’ll be getting me to work towards it without me even realising, but for the time being I’m just thinking about getting into the 11 minute bracket.

Today’s times were pretty atrocious because of the aforementioned reason, plus I had to stop and look at the map on my phone a few times and backtrack when I’d gone completely the wrong way.

IMG_5594

Plus I had to stop for selfies (gotta indulge when there’s no one else about!) and to take a shot of some slippery ‘shrooms.

IMG_5584.JPG

I say my times were atrocious, but a couple of months ago that would have been inconceivable to me. Yet I managed it today without exerting myself too much. I took it rather gently because I’m training tomorrow and I wanted to save myself. I’m going to really go for it!

I’ve just had a post-workout snack of kale and soya beans (sounds boring but it’s one of my absolute faves) wolfed down my A&B choices as dessert (porridge and almond milk) and had a steamy hot shower. Which can only mean one thing – it’s now time for a well-deserved sleep.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

No Excuses

There’s something I’ve been meaning to mention for a few days, but I keep getting sidetracked. Last week some time I had an email from WordPress saying I could have 30% off a premium account subscription, so I bit off the metaphorical hand. The main draw for me is a proper domain name, followed closely by being ad-free. So now my website is simply wordsbyhayley.com, which feels proper. Plus I can now add videos and gifs I’ve made myself, rather than having to put everything through YouTube first, which is just that much neater. I’m easily pleased.

Unfortunately I have been very short on funds this month, and as is usual with me, if one area of my life is going well (specifically diet and exercise) then something else is falling by the wayside. I have spent much more money than I’ve actually earned, so I’ve put myself quite a bit back as far as my ‘living within my means’ and ‘reducing debt’ resolutions go. I could have done without buying a WordPress subscription, but there you go. What’s done is done.

What’s also done is me buying a load of exercise clothing, make-up, crystal wine glasses, a new travel mug, a new dress for the work’s night out and bits for the car. Plus other stuff I’ve probably forgotten about.

Yes. I’ve been very, very naughty.

I don’t actually regret any of these purchases as such though. I did need a new travel mug because even though my current one is supposed to fit a tall/medium/regular whatever from Starbucks or Costa, it doesn’t, and some always gets thrown away. My new ‘mug’ is huge and should easily fit a grande and just about by a smidgen perhaps a venti. According the interwebs anyway.

ACS_0045.jpg

It’s also spill-proof and speaks words of wisdom to me. All you need IS in fact coffee.

The other most important thing is this rather lary excuse-remover which comes in the form of a waterproof running jacket.

IMG_5536

It should keep me dry and perfectly visible on these grey and rainy days. I (very briskly) walked into town and back today so I reckon I’ll have a rest day tomorrow and train on Thursday, come what may.

My walk to town was actually lovely. It was chucking it down on the way there, but I always enjoy the sound of the rain on my brolly. Until it broke that is, but by that time it was the kind of rain that’s more like a mist which just covers everything in dew drops. My brolly was ancient anyway, it had a good run!

ACS_0048IMG_5518

Of course I stopped to take a couple of (rather disappointing) pictures, so I waited till the return journey to turn on MapMyRun and get an updated idea of what my brisk walking pace is like. The first time I checked was in May 2017, and the best I did then was 18:30. The last time I checked my average mile time was on the 26th of February and it was 16:59. Today it was 15:21 which is quite an excellent, considering I wasn’t actually trying. My heart rate was elevated, and I was definitely breathing harder than usual, but I could have easily held a normal conversation the whole time. Yay for improvements!

It’s time for dinner so I’d best sign off for now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Anything is Possible

47 days ago I was sitting in Zizzi’s eating pizza and texting my trainer. He wasn’t my trainer then, we were just arranging to go out for a hike.

He said not to worry, he wouldn’t make me do any sprinting. I replied back that I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because I just can’t run. And it was true. Some time last year I was thinking about running and my brother said ‘just try!’ So I did, and his response was ‘what the hell was that?’ I don’t know what it was, but it wasn’t running. Or even jogging for that matter.

My trainer’s response?

IMG_5436

Six-and-a-half weeks later I’m sitting here thinking back to yesterday’s training session, still trying to take it all in really. Last week, during the first part of the course we use, my trainer was surreptitiously taking note of all the places I had to stop to catch my breath before we reach the bottom of the Hill of Doom. There were a fair few of them.

Yesterday, I reached the Hill of Doom without stopping. That’s 1.9-something miles, in one go. I’m currently about two weeks ahead of where my trainer thought I’d be by now, and that feels absolutely incredible.

ACS_0038

After traipsing up the Hill of Doom, which even most seasoned runners have to walk up, we did some sprinting. I was told to kind of flick my legs up towards my butt, because that would make it easier. Which sounds like lies, because how could putting more effort into something make it easier? But it’s true! After 6-ish weeks of mostly just jogging, I was actually doing PROPER running!

I just can’t believe how much progress I’ve made in such a short space of time, I never imagined that I’d be at this point by now or, well, ever.

My trainer is having a rest day today as he went out without me this week while I was getting my car sorted and taking my mum to her appointments, so I’m heading out on my own to the different park because I must have those three sessions under my belt per week. After all, I can see now that when my trainer says ‘consistency is key!’ he’s bloody well right.

My local park is flatter than the usual place so it’ll be interesting to see how the times compare to the last time I went. Though I am wary about the direct comparison because I am really aching from yesterday.

Well, there’s nothing for it. We’ll continue this when I get back…

ACS_0041

That was tough. But it was oh so worth it. My previous best split time for this particular route was 13:02. Today my fastest was 12:50!

There are also other improvements I’ve noticed – my recovery times are getting a lot quicker, especially when it comes to getting my breath back, but on a less-exercise-related note I’m less anxious about working out alone and even had a short conversation with a lady about the distance around the park without feeling awkward or shy.

After I’d done my 5k I took one last stroll around the park to cool down and take pictures.

I couldn’t have picked a better day for it.

Tomorrow I have something a bit naughty planned. Me and my trainer are having a rest day and hanging out together with good food, good wine, good company and hopefully a good film. I’m hoping that with his influence I’ll be able to do that thing I’ve been trying to do since starting this blog – only having one night ‘off’ rather than being bad several days before, and taking several more days to get back into the swing of things.

Normally I would have started the bad eating by now, and I haven’t even been tempted. This might just be the time it works!

Now I have a veritable mountain of things before I prepare for my last shift of the week.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

No Fluke

Incredibly, the scales are still showing me to be in the 13’s. It’s not a fluke! I’m now going to stop weighing myself over the next few days since I’ve established that the scales haven’t malfunctioned.

Everything has been a bit of mad rush since yesterday, and I really should be getting dinner sorted but I chose to sit down and write with a cup of coffee first.

Yesterday evening my friend dropped over my new (to me) car. It was dark when he turned up so I didn’t get a chance to look at it properly, but oh my word I am chuffed to bits.

After driving a massive 3l 5 Series BMW for the last two years, I simply cannot look at my new car without bursting out laughing. It’s simply ridiculous!

When I parked up at work and got out it looked positively comical sitting there in my usual spot. I could easily fit another one in the space.

After work this morning I was able to get a picture.

This afternoon I had to go out and in the proper daylight I could see just how filthy it is. It was my friend’s friend’s dad’s and it’s been sitting on a driveway for a long old time, just gathering dust.

There are plenty of perks though. Both my tax and insurance payments have literally halved, and I should be getting more than 14 MPG from now on!

This weekend I should be able to give it a good clean as I have a surprise long weekend. Work announced last night that there’s no Saturday shift while they do a huge stock take. Get in! This week is turning out to be a corker.

To top it all off my brother told me that he’s getting the shocks on his motorbike sorted after payday which means it’ll be able to take our combined weight. Then we can go on a road trip.

I went out with my brother and my ex, me riding pillion on my ex’s bike, for a brief period in 2014. It was the first time I’d ever been on a bike, and it was absolutely thrilling, but there was a downside.

I got the biggest size in trousers and jacket for women that I could (a size 22) and it fit like a second skin. It’s supposed to be snug, so that if you come off your gear stays on and keeps you alive, but sitting on the back of a bike with my knees somewhere around my ears meant that I couldn’t really breathe properly. Kinda problematic.

This also coincided with me gaining huge amounts of weight again, so it wasn’t long before I was struggling to get them on at all. When the bikes were put away for winter, I had to put the trousers on with the zip open (they have a kind of flap) and still I could barely get them on. I told myself I’d be back in them by the summer, but it never happened and I haven’t been on a bike since.

Today I got my gear out of storage and had a little try-on.

Wow.

I am over the flipping moon! Everything is too big, to the point where if I end up going out regularly with my brother then I will need new gear and I will need it soon. As it is all of the Velcro straps are pulled in as tight as they go and it’s still too roomy. I’ll have to wear thick layers underneath in order to stay safe.

Buying new gear means hundreds of pounds being spent, but maybe I can sell what I have to raise funds.

Right now I don’t care, I feel too good! I can take the trousers off without even undoing them, and the flap that was like a second skin? Take a look…

I’m so happy I could cry. In fact I just might.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Weekend Vibes

I have had the best weekend in such a long time. Shopping on Sunday was a huge boost, and it felt so good to be outside despite the awful weather.

Yesterday training went ahead but I was also the coldest I have been in a long, long time. Where I go to train is higher up than the surrounding areas plus it sits next to an estuary so there’s no protection from the absolutely brutal wind. I had a snood on but it made my glasses steam up so I took it off, and subsequently lost all feeling in my nose.

ACS_0033

On the plus side I broke a personal record and ran for about 15 minutes straight. My Fitbit even automatically recognised I was running for the first time ever.

Workout done we went to Aldi for lunch supplies and I had to be really strict with my trainer. I bought a load of salad bits and sweet potato burgers, which are 4 syns each. I had one of the burgers with a jacket potato then spent quite a lot of time telling him that I didn’t want toast, hummus, nuts, seeds, or a bottle of cider! Normally he wouldn’t be quite so persuasive, but on the first night of his weekend, which is Monday this week, he has a bottle of wine and I think he was losing resolve on my behalf.

We had such a lovely evening though. Although apparently Netflix and chill nowadays means that you watch Netflix then have sex, we watched Netflix and actually chilled out. I wasn’t home till 2am, and I was completely sober!

I’d like to say as a result I woke up feeling fresh as a daisy, but in fact I feel pretty weary. I intend to go back to bed shortly to prepare myself for my shift tonight, especially as I have to get up early for a special delivery this evening. But I’ll tell you all about that tomorrow.

When I got up to get Pea’s breakfast, I couldn’t help stepping on the scales. My hormones have gone back to normal, plus I feel a lot less bloated after peeing like crazy for two days straight.

The result?

ACS_0031

THE FIRST TIME SEEING THE 13 STONE BRACKET SINCE TWO THOUSAND AND EFFING FOUR.

I can’t even believe it, and I’m scared it’s just a blip despite weighing myself a few times over just to make sure. But the undeniable fact remains that despite all of my usual fluctuations, it’s still been about 14 years since I saw that 13. And there it is!

I have to keep the momentum going now, I just have to. I’m out with work people on the 5th of April and I’d love to be firmly established in the 13 stone bracket by then.

Fingers crossed I don’t have a huge (undeserved) gain in the meantime!

No matter what happens over the next few days though, I’m celebrating this victory here and now.

Go me!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Powered by Coffee

Training yesterday actually WENT AHEAD! I got up after four hours sleep feeling excited but also a little wary that I might have to change my plans at the last minute. There’s been a lot of that going around lately.

But nope, after checking my phone just before leaving everything was still go.

Since last week was a gentle one as far as exercise goes, my trainer pushed me really hard. And it was great! I mean, I thought I was going to collapse but I did more than I ever thought I was capable of. Well, it’s more than I was capable of. I probably ran more yesterday than I have in the rest of my life combined, but then again that’s not really saying much.

Afterwards I had some carrot and coriander soup with added carrots and mushrooms, because you can never have too much veg, and we watched a bad film on Netflix called Midnight Special. It was probably best that we were watching something a bit crappy, because we talked most of the way through it anyway.

At 6:30pm I remembered I had work later so I got myself back home, made myself the fastest dinner ever and wolfed it down so I could get to bed for a couple of hours. But do you think I could sleep? Nope, I just could not get off.

So I went to work at 10pm on four hours sleep, after being awake since 11:30am. When the shift started I was informed that I would be working on the most labour-intensive area we have on my department, which was not welcome news at all.

As it turns out though, it was probably a life-saver because it actually kept my energy levels up. And since I was mostly busy I didn’t have a chance to nearly fall asleep at any point.

By the time the end of shift came around I ached everywhere. In fact I still do!

This morning I crashed out completely, but then woke up after… four hours. Sigh. But I still have some get up and go left in me so I’ve cleaned Pea’s cage, hoovered, done the washing and will get a few more bits and bobs done before I head back to bed. This time though I will give myself plenty of time to lay awake just in case I struggle, because it’s looking like I will. I don’t think it’s wise to have a repeat of yesterday, since I only made it through on caffeine and willpower as it was.

I had a sneak peek on the scales today and they really peed me off – they say I’ve put another couple of pounds on whereas yesterday they were showing that I’d eliminated both this week’s gain AND last week’s. Then I remembered I’m hormonal, my muscles are still repairing from training, I drank a LOT of water yesterday and before bed this morning, I had a hefty lunch at work, and interrupted sleep patterns play havoc with my weight at the best of times. Those things aren’t a good combo, so I’m sure in a couple of days the scales will be kind to me. I simply must think rationally and not let it get to me.

Tomorrow is another day where I’m going training no matter what, even if it’s raining and even if it’s on my own. This is because it’s supposed to bloody snow again this weekend, and I’m getting in those three sessions even if I end up frozen or soaked to my skin. Consistency is EVERYTHING so I can’t afford to be having big gaps between sessions as I have had in the last few weeks.

Now I’m going to do some gentle exercises to stop my muscles from seizing up completely, then have a steaming hot shower. How lovely does that sound?

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Black Hole

After 83 weeks of weighing in on a Tuesday I’ve decided to switch things up a bit. In the last few weeks Sunday (the first night of my weekend) has become something of a black hole and I need to do something to address that. Yesterday I just ate and ate and as such this morning’s weigh in shows another 1.5 lb gain. That’s 3 lbs in two weeks and it’s in the wrong direction, plus I might not have metabolised all of that junk and have some still to gain!

I’m hoping the idea of weighing the next morning will keep me on track next weekend. It’s worth a try anyway.

I am as ever very annoyed with myself, because I’ve had another week of compliment after compliment. I found a very old pair of jeans on top of my wardrobe at the beginning of the week, and although they’re old they’ve never actually been worn. I reckon I bought them in 2013, to slim into, and finally they fit!

The jeans I had been wearing to work are enormous on me now, so it’s been great having everyone tell me how skinny my legs look now they’re not hidden in clown trousers. It’s a good feeling, but if I carry on like this then they’re not going to fit anymore.

Training is scheduled for tomorrow but I’m making a pledge here and now that if my trainer can’t make it then I’m going to go out on my own. I want to do three sessions this week, no matter what.

I wanted to do some kettlebells today but on Friday at work I picked something up awkwardly and hurt my shoulder, so I need to be sensible and not do any weight training until it’s healed. I’m really angry about that – just as I was finishing my rotation on that department as well.

But most of all I need to eat well, because there’s no point in training if I’m just going to undo all of the hard work I’ve done. The two need to go hand in hand.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about health lately. Up until now I haven’t cared much about exactly what is going into my body as long as overall I’m losing weight. So on a bad day I wouldn’t think twice about eating a whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s, as long as I was sure I could make up for it later.

Now I’m starting to consider the effect that this kind of eating will have on my long-term health, especially as I’m fairly convinced I have Binge Eating Disorder. I have most of the symptoms with the exception of secrecy – although I’m tempted to hide what I’ve done and certainly have done in the past, I’m now brutally honest and feel the need to confess what I’ve eaten.

The treatment guidelines for BED are based around self-help anyway (specifically CBT), and I’m already taking steps to figure it out myself (and have in fact been doing that since I started with Slimming World in the first place). I need to keep working on it, as my binges are already less frequent and less intense than they used to be, although there has definitely been an increase in the last few months. It would just be nice to not have them at all. And I’ll also be much less likely to develop diabetes in future.

It feels really scary talking about Binge Eating Disorder publicly, because even though it has finally been recognised as a real thing a lifetime of people just thinking I’m lazy or greedy doesn’t go away overnight. I haven’t even wanted to admit to myself that I might have it. The way I eat definitely goes beyond ‘being a bit naughty’ though. When I say I lose control I don’t mean I temporarily lost my willpower, I mean I genuinely couldn’t stop myself. I’ve eaten some really weird things when I’ve had no unhealthy food in the house – for instance yesterday at 6am I ate a huge bowl of peanut butter mixed with maple syrup because it’s literally all I had. That is not normal.

Maybe I should go to the doctors, but I have a deep distrust of them when it comes to mental health. My experiences so far have not been good. Would it be better to have an official diagnosis though? Would it be better to have proper CBT sessions? I think maybe I should explore every avenue to try to stop this happening, because I don’t want to have it hanging over my head forever, always threatening to sabotage my efforts.

30 minutes later…

Update: Well, I thought to hell with it. What’s the worst that can happen? I got on the phone and booked myself the next available routine doctor’s appointment. Which is on the 3rd of April. Oh well, at least there’s time for me to get my head around it.

Today I made an excellent start to the week. I’ve cleaned, I’ve tidied, I’ve sorted through old clothes and had another purge of the wardrobe… I had a great trying-on session and found I now fit into several dresses I bought in a sale years ago. However I now realise I don’t actually like any of them and have no occasion to wear them anyway! So off to the charity shop they will go.

I’m now topping up my steps but I’ve done a proper workout too. I did a 30 minute programme on the exercise bike but I was enjoying it so much I kept going for another 20 minutes. During the workout I was thinking back to when I first got my bike, sometime last year, and how I struggled to complete 10 minutes. Oh how times have changed!

I started off this post feeling pretty down, but over the course of the day I’ve done several little acts of self care and my mood has completely changed.

I’m feeling very positive about this week, I reckon it’s going to be a good one!

Look after yourselves people.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Rollercoaster

I think I made the right decision. By letting myself be lazy for a few days my cold went away before it really got started and I feel mostly back to normal again.

Over the last few weeks me, my mum and my brother have been watching the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended editions, obviously) and for the first two weeks I was really proud of myself for not snacking while we were watching. With the final instalment though I admit it, I cracked. The film is 4 hours and 23 minutes long, and although I get completely immersed I just wanted things yesterday. So I went ahead and had them.

I am annoyed with myself, but not furious, and certainly not to the point where I’m beating myself up about it. Last night I confessed my transgressions to my training buddy (whether I’m attending a group or not accountability is very important) and arranged to meet up with him today for, well, training!

Weigh in is tomorrow morning and I’m not sure how it’s going to go, especially as I ate lots of bread yesterday (bring on the bloat) and I’m having a super late dinner tonight. Hopefully I get a maintain, I’ll be happy with that.

Now let me get on and tell you about the emotional rollercoaster ride I’ve been on lately, with the express permission of the aforementioned training buddy.

First let me give you a bit of back story. The last time I made a real good friend at work was about two years ago now. He’d been there for a few months when I started to get the impression that he was vaguely human and I went out of my way to try and talk to him. I do not find that easy. When he moved to my department I tried to encourage him, because I could see that he was going to be a good forklift driver, but it still took me about another twelve months before I became comfortable around him and could count him amongst that elite group of my most excellent friends.

The point I’m trying to make? I do NOT make friends easily – it takes a long, long time. At least that’s what usually happens.

Then my training buddy starts talking to me, and flips my usual system on its head entirely. Within a matter of weeks I have become so incredibly comfortable around him, it’s actually bonkers. I don’t know how this happened. Who even am I?

Especially with work people, normally by now I’d be at the stage of having friendly yet stilted conversation, and mild panic about how much eye contact should be made if I pass them either leaving or entering the building. I am not exaggerating.

Yet I’ve been running with this man, something I thought I couldn’t do in front of anyone, ever. So it’s no wonder that I started falling for this amazing person who has brought out so many good things in me. How could I not?

When I split up with my ex I honestly thought I was done with any kind of romantic feelings. It didn’t happen straight away, but as I started learning to live my life without constantly thinking I should have a romantic partner, I started to love my single life. I still do. I became more independent, but I also started to value existing friendships more and to get excited about forging new ones.

I learned so much about myself – what I do and don’t like, what makes me happy, what makes me miserable and what I want for the future (a dark concept that never held much appeal until recently).

But even so, though all of those things still stand, I was now faced with a situation where I had feelings for someone and it was actually transformative.

All of a sudden things became clear in my mind – I knew that it was unlikely that things would go exactly the way I would like (i.e. he would sweep me off my feet, tell me he felt exactly the same and kiss me passionately) so in all likelihood I would be setting myself up for a crushing rejection.

The difference between me now and me a few years ago is that current Hayley decided that it was worth the risk. This is partly testament to how lovely my friend is, and partly that I’m effing strong.

This me knows that if my feelings aren’t returned then it’s not because I’m worthless. Of course there are nagging doubts (I’m too fat, too tall, too weird… whatever…) but ultimately I know full well that I have a lot to offer a potential partner and that their life would be better for having me in it.

I’ve been feeling awesome these last few weeks. My friend has given me a huge injection of confidence, and I feel lighter (not in weight, but in myself, although I am physically lighter too!) and happier. I’ve been smiling more, I’ve been dancing at work (unheard of) and in the shower and generally loving life. And if things didn’t go the way I wanted, then I decided I’d continue riding the wave of feeling awesome no matter what and just revel in the fact that I was actually brave enough to put myself on the line and tell him how I feel.

Which is lucky, because it did NOT go the way I hoped! After I made the decision to actually tell him, I was then faced with two agonising weeks before I could actually carry out the deed. What with illnesses and the weather I thought I’d never get to do it!

But I told him today, and short of the previously-mentioned fantasy scenario I probably couldn’t have asked for a better outcome. I am certainly no closer to changing my single status than I was this time yesterday, but I still feel good. I sure as hell don’t feel crushed, especially as my awesome friend never once made me feel that the reason he doesn’t want me is because of any shortcoming on my part. Which is good, at least he realises that I am lovely!

I mostly feel like, ok, it’s not meant to be so that’s that. I don’t feel that if I’d done something differently then there’d be a different outcome, it simply is what it is.

Best of all (because this is the thing I had worried most about) our most amazing friendship is completely intact. And that really is the most important thing. I’ve fallen for friends in the past, and when I’ve wanted to remain friends I’ve always said out loud that I wouldn’t risk the friendship for love (or lust, whichever!) but it was never true. I was actually just hoping that they’d change their minds given time. They never did by the way…

In this case it is true – this is one friendship you do not take lightly because they don’t come along often. To mess this up would have been devastating. As it is we had a great training session after me dropping my little truth bomb, then I was treated to a delicious and veggie-filled healthy lunch.

ACS_0014.jpg

I’ve also got to admit that there was a certain amount of relief in not facing the prospect of getting naked in front of anyone just yet. Losing 7 stone is not kind on the body and I’m glad to have extra time to come to terms with that. Look at me, still looking for those silver linings!

I have so much coming up to look forward to – I really don’t have a thing to complain about!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Not Exactly My Week

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing has gone to plan this week. One of my work friends has started nicknaming me ‘cancelled’, because every time he asks me how something has gone that’s been my reply.

On the flipside, nothing and I honestly mean absolutely nothing at all is going to get me down. There are upsides to everything that has annoyed me.

Obviously training (or lack thereof) has been the biggest annoyance, but then the last couple of days I’ve really struggled with tiredness and last night at work was the final straw. I felt so weak and could hardly lift anything, so when early finishes came up at 4am I grabbed the opportunity and got out of there.

I popped to the 24hr Tesco for some essentials, then tried to have a sing-song in the car on the way home but there was something wrong with my voice. As I stepped through the front door and did five consecutive sneezes I realised that I’m coming down with a bloody cold and that’s why I feel so icky.

Now I have the feeling I was swallowing razor blades in my sleep because my throat is raw, but I’m so happy I’m ill now rather than when the snow is thawed. Come Monday at the latest I reckon I’ll be fighting fit and ready to go, and if training was an option now I’d be furious that my body chose that exact moment to let me down. As it is, it’s all worked out pretty well.

Work has been annoying too, and I’ve officially had enough of the department I’m on at the moment. When you get (via the luck of the draw) decent equipment, then everything runs smoothly and the night flies by. Unfortunately this doesn’t happen very often and it’s just about driven me nuts. I have two nights left to do of this week then one more full week before I’m back on my base department, not that I’m counting. After that it’ll probably be another year before I have to spend any significant time doing that job. See? Upside!

Work hasn’t been terrible in general either. I got talking to a chap on yet another department and it turns out he is an excellent source of advice when it comes to matters of the heart. I also know from experience that he’s completely trustworthy and it was just great chatting with him.

Another work friend has been great too – he picked up that I was in a bit of a mood a few days ago and went out of his way to make me feel better. He was so sweet he almost made me cry!

Yet another work person is becoming a closer friend and that’s just wonderful, especially considering in the past we didn’t get on at all. Plus I got talking to a new-ish man which is really difficult for me because I’m so shy, and it turns out he’s nice too.

I also can’t go on without an honourable mention to my friend who has been getting WhatsApp updates from me at regular intervals (you know who you are!) He never fails to reply with words of advice, so all of these things combined mean that I’m feeling incredibly happy and loved!

The meal out on Sunday with my siblings has been cancelled (see, that word again) or at least postponed until the weather is more predictable. Although I was looking forward to it, I’m also happy that there’s now no temptation to avoid – staying on plan this weekend will be that much easier.

Yesterday after training was cancelled (grr!) I tried to make a snowman as promised but the snow is just way too powdery for that. So instead I took a few pictures, and although they aren’t as sharp as I’d like because it was too windy, and nothing interesting really jumped out at me, I still went out and did something. Something is always better than nothing.

Today I’m having a duvet day, at least until I have to go to work. Rather than struggling on and making everything harder, I’m going to be kinder to myself now, feel better sooner, smash my exercise goals next week.

And sit here feeling smug that despite all of the irritations of the week my eating has been perfect.

Speaking of, it’s time to go and get me some nice warming porridge.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x