Prep

Last night at work was physically and emotionally exhausting, but rather than push me towards food at this particular moment in time I’ve managed to focus that energy into something good.

I’m going round a friends for dinner today and despite being  pressured into going off plan I have prepped all of my food. There is absolutely no chance of me getting hungry while I’m there. Believe me, I’ve got this covered!

I went through a stage of putting soya beans with everything, then I went off plan for a while and forgot all about them. I found a couple of bags in the freezer the other day and remembered why I love them so much – they cook in five minutes, they’re tasty and most importantly they’re really filling. I’ll try to remember to eat them the next time I’m feeling that my tummy is a bottomless pit and nothing will ever satisfy me.

The food I’m taking with me is kale, sweet potato, cucumber, tomatoes, corn-on-the-cob, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries (all Free and Speed) with Alpro Plain with Almond (2 syns), Alpro Go On (1.5 syns), and two Linda McCartney Pulled Pork Burgers (2 syns). That is good value for syns indeed.

I’ve also started on a motivational area above my desk, and I’m going to cross off every remaining day of this month that I spend on plan. I want the full house, which really helped me stick to my guns when I was being cajolled into eating rubbish.

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There’s also a little present to myself that’s been hanging there for months, which I’ll open when I get my 7.5 stone award. It’s been there so long, it’ll be a big deal when I finally get there. And I know it won’t be too long!

Yesterday in general was good. A friend came to look at my car and it seems it’s a wheel bearing that’s gone, and he’s kindly going to take my car to a garage next week to get it fixed. I always feel really intimidated going to garages so I’m pleased I don’t have to do it myself, and of course very pleased that it’s nothing too serious.

After that we went to a bootsale together, where traditionally I would only be thinking about food. There is a patisserie stall that’s there every week, but thankfully they no longer sell a single thing I can eat. The same goes for the van where I’d previously have bought a steak roll.

As such I didn’t buy anything, but still went away with just under 3.5 miles under my belt.

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That, plus having a really nice catch up with my friend was my happy thing for yesterday. That’s also one really satisfying route that Map My Run recorded, excluding the little wiggle at the end where we couldn’t find the car…

Finally, I’m worried that my moods might not be helped if I’m lacking in certain bits and bobs. A friend told me that a lack of omega 3 can be problematic, so although I take cheap flaxseed tablets that contain ALA omega 3 fats, I decided to upgrade to the more expensive ones which contain EPA and DHA. Apparently they’re supposed to be better for you, so it’s worth a try. I also must remember to take my general supplements, mainly for the B12 because a deficiency in that is really nasty indeed. Basically I just need to practice some self-care and all will be well.

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By the way even if you’re a meat eater it’s still worth making sure you get enough B12. I know a couple of you who have had deficiencies and it’s not nice at all! Look after yourselves people.

Anyway I must be off now because a lovely cool shower is calling my name.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Happiness

I messed up, and I messed up bad. My moods have been up and down like a yo-yo, and for the last two days I have eaten so much I’m quite sure I’ve done a huge amount of damage. I thought about waiting till I lost some weight before posting again because to be honest I’m feeling pretty ashamed, but I’d be doing everyone involved a disservice if I wasn’t open about it on here.

The problem is, I’m desperately unhappy right now, and I find it next to impossible to stick to plan when I feel like that.

Before I started to lose weight properly, coming up to two years ago, I made changes to my life so that I could be happy. Or at least have a nice enough life so that when I wasn’t happy (you can’t be happy all the time) I was at least not feeling terrible.

Now that has all flipped on its head, because I’m allowing outside influences to mess with my head. It’s got to stop, and it’s got to stop NOW. If I’m going to succeed (and I will) I need to get back to my old mindset.

I was doing so well when Mr. S came into my life, and at the time I thought it was him keeping me on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t, it’s just that I was so happy I was keeping myself on the straight and narrow. Now he’s actively making me sad, and if I’m honest he seems to be enjoying it. This is happening at work, so I’ve told him we need to talk. I will not allow it to continue. God knows when I’ll get the chance though because getting him alone has been next to impossible. In the meantime I just have to keep my cool and try not to give the situation too much headspace.

As ever, after a couple of days of struggling I’m formulating a plan.

As soon as I woke up today I got online and transferred my Slimming World membership to group. I’m finding that my support network is not quite doing the job and I’m in need of people in my real life (as opposed to just my internet life) who understand that the only way to succeed is through kindness and understanding. I need to be around people who don’t call me a ‘f*cking idiot’ when I slip.

I didn’t have much luck with my Tuesday group last time, and it was just before work so it didn’t really suit me in that way either. But I’ve found a Monday evening group (I have Mondays off) that might just work out. It means I’ll have to drive which is not ideal, especially as my car is currently sounding like it’s on death’s door (please don’t let it me the head gasket…) but I can’t put if off because of that. If I have trouble with transport I can always weigh in at a local group for the time being.

The thing that really puts me off is that it’s at 7.30pm so I’ll have to eat before I go, but I need to get a grip. If I’m eating a sensible meal before every weigh in then the losses will show. It’ll also be a novel experience to sit through group without my tummy growling!

At work I have volunteered to do the more physical job for three of my shifts next week. The only reason I won’t be doing the whole week is because I’m needed on my own department towards the weekend, otherwise I would have done the lot.

I’m still a little worried about my knee, so I won’t push the running thing if I don’t feel up to it but will still keep active. To be honest it’s probably better that I drop a few pounds before going back to it so that there’s not so much pressure on my joints. It sucks, because I know a run would make me feel so much better! When I’m done here I’m going to get on the exercise bike, at least long enough to get some endorphins pumping through my bloodstream.

In the meantime I need to focus on the little things, and try to take something positive away from each day. Yesterday it was going out for a little walk up to Hadleigh Castle. It was a beautiful day and there was such a lovely breeze up there.

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I’m going to try to post about a nice little thing every day, because I WILL find my happy place. I did it once and I can do it again.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Excitement

Well today I just haven’t been able to settle. I mean, it’s so exciting isn’t it? Oh, you thought I was talking about this ‘football’ that people seem so interested in right now? Nope, today all I’ve been able to think about is a big old plate of fried red onions.

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Weird? Me? You bet.

I haven’t had fried onions in about a year and all of a sudden I had a hankering for them. There are four large onions condensed into that pile, but considering there aren’t going to be many people at work tonight then I shouldn’t have to worry too much about any possible… after effects.

In all seriousness though, I’ve found it so, so hard to stay on plan today. I had my A+B choices as soon as I got in from work and was still hungry when I woke up. I had a big lunch and was still hungry. Thankfully dinner seems to have finally satisfied me, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve eaten too much today.

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That’s what Free Food is there for though, and it’s not like I’ve just been eating for the sake of it. It’s just that when I’m freshly back on plan I always feel extra guilty. Which is silly, because the Slimming World plan is so focussed on letting go of that guilt. I’ll keep on trying though.

The important thing is that I didn’t crack, and it’s the first time I’ve had such a strong urge and have been able to control it in longer than I can remember. A pat on the back for Hayley!

Last night at work was unexpectedly motivating. My manager, who was outwardly supportive and positive about my journey from the beginning said he honestly expected me to last about six months before I put the weight back on. I’m so incredibly grateful he kept those negative thoughts to himself though because they could have been really damaging at the time.

He confessed that he can’t remember what I used to look like, which makes me very happy indeed. However I am taking in a picture tonight to remind him, because that’s always fun to do. It’s good for me to remind myself too. If you feel like deleting all the photos of the ‘old you’ and erasing that part of your history, then PLEASE DON’T!

For one you could be wiping records of so many precious memories, even if they might be tinged with pain, but also it’s so useful to look back and see how far you’ve come. It’s how I’m able to look at this picture of me, taken a few minutes ago with pride.

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Hair isn’t done, no make-up, spotty face, messy room… It doesn’t matter. This Hayley is still so much happier than this one:

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And I put on another two stone after that picture was taken! Look at her, crammed into a camping chair that was threatening to collapse under the weight, bloated, struggling to breathe her jeans were so tight… I need to see pictures like this. I need to look at it and not be able to recognise myself, and to know in my heart of hearts that I won’t go back there.

And THAT is why I ate four red onions for dinner, instead of four peanut butter and jam sandwiches.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Back to ‘Normal’

Right then, so what have I been getting up to since my last post? On Friday I attempted a little run because my knee was feeling so much better. I went with Mr. S and he was up for a short one because he was still feeling delicate from the weekend. If I’m running up hill, I’m absolutely fine, but my knee is still painful going downhill or if I straighten it too much. So I’m just going to walk for the next few days and again see how I get on.

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It was an absolutely beautiful day. So much blue sky and only a few ‘Toy Story’ clouds! Although we only did 3 miles and we walked a lot of it, it was still good to be out.

Work later on was hard – I felt absolutely exhausted. When I got home I completely crashed out, forgetting to set my alarm, and woke up at the exact time I normally get Pea her breakfast by chance alone. I decided to rest my knee completely and ended up having lunch at Mr. S’s. It’s early days but I’m not quite sure how’s it’s going to work out with the friends thing. All I know is that I’m happier knowing where I stand, even if I only know where I stand because I decided where I stand. If that makes sense. Mr. S has been acting strangely with me for over a week now, but I can cope with it because my happiness doesn’t depend of what the heck is going on in his mind. I’ve asked, but I’m none the wiser so there’s not much else I can do except crack on with my life. Which I’m totally doing!

For the last few days my eating has been spot on. I know I’ve said so many times lately that I’m back on plan and before I know it I’m eating PB&J sandwiches again, but this time I mean it! I’ve been keeping a proper food diary, and I’ve even dusted off my dedicated Slimming World Instagram account which hadn’t been used since January. Seriously people, I’m ON IT. It’s hayleym_vegan by the way, if you fancy giving me a follow.

I don’t know if this is going to be a permanent thing, but I’ve been tracking my periods and it seems that whenever I ovulate I start holding an obscene amount of water. Right now, a combination of that particular part of my cycle being over and me eating a lot of veggies means that I’ve lost all of my holiday gains, plus I’m within reaching distance of the 13’s, which I only just stuck a toe into for a brief time back in March. I’m currently sitting at 14st 2.5lbs and I’m bloody chuffed with that – at the beginning of the week I was 14st 11lbs!

But do you know what I’d really love to do? Weigh in once a month, right after Lady Time. Can I actually do that though? Realistically, I think not. It’d be great though, wouldn’t it? Even though I know what’s happening, I can’t help feeling absolutely gutted when I step on the scales and get an undeserved gain, and so far I haven’t mastered the art of not letting it get to me. I’m going to give that some further thought, anyway.

After going to work last night and being given the option to go home again (which of COURSE I took up) I got up early for an engagement with my brother. The other day he found some friendly cows whilst out cycling and he asked if I wanted to go and see them. Well, duh!

Apparently they don’t like me as much as they like him, but it was fun anyway.

It was a gorgeous morning too – I especially like the mist coming off the lake. Lovely!

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What I should do now is start on the laundry, but instead I’m going to take a walk into town. If I’m not running, then I need to being something, because I’m really motivated to finally get to target. Recently I’ve been wondering whether to stay at the weight I am currently, but now my way has become clear. I definitely want to be 12st 10lbs, and nothing is going to stop me.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x