It’ll Pass

Whilst I’ve welcomed the return of the sun this week, at the same time I’ve been unable to really appreciate it. This is because I feel sad. Really. Frickin. Sad. And a little bit lost. OK, a lot lost.

I think I know what the problem is. Although my new status of being single is right, it doesn’t make it easy. Aside from anything else, my life (which was way too filled up with things to do) is now a little bit empty. feel empty. There are tons of things I have been itching to get cracking with, until now that is.

I’ve been desperate for the time to concentrate on my photography, my health, or my embroidery, or painting (or take my pick of a thousand other things) but now I have the time, I don’t have the slightest inclination to actually do it. Any of it.

Damn.

On top of it all my eating has been atrocious. I’ve been eating when I’m not hungry, and the thought of savoury food makes my stomach turn over. I just want sugar, sugar and more sugar. I also don’t want to move from my bed, not just because I don’t want to face the world (I really don’t) but also because I’m just so gosh darn tired again.

Despite all this I have managed a couple of days on plan this week, and I have forced myself to get outside. I walked through the park into town, where I finally picked up a swimming costume I’m completely satisfied with.

IMG_0605.JPG

Although it’s super unflattering, I’m still really pleased with this purchase because it holds everything in where it should and nothing falls out of any gaps. That was all I ever really wanted from my costume.

ACS_0908.jpg

I think it says I mean business. Since we’re approaching the beginning of April I wanted to set down some goals for the month. I’m going to lose some weight, search out my mojo, and definitely, definitely, go swimming.

Speaking of costumes, I’ve also agreed to dress up as Mary Poppins for an Easter Egg hunt at the end of April. It’s to raise money for a school in the village where Steve’s mum and brother live, and there are several reasons why I said I’d do it.

Number one, I really love the film. Two, I’ve never been to a fancy dress party despite the fact I’ve always wanted to dress up. Three, it’s for a good cause. My sister is a teacher and I know how hard it is for schools to manage on government funding alone. Well, it’s not really possible. Four, it’s completely out of my comfort zone and I think it’ll be good for me.

IMG_0651.JPG

I’m not quite satisfied with the basic costume though, so I’m going to add a few bits and bobs to it. I’ll keep you updated! Perhaps when I’m happy with the costume I can get rid of my stern face.

This morning my sister came over and we went for a walk in the woods. Again I wasn’t really feeling it, but it did us both good I think. Plus she’s an excellent listener and also offers good advice.

She also sneakily took a picture of me and added it to her Instagram story. When I saw it I was pleasantly surprised that I don’t look like I’ve gained 8 stone overnight, which is how I was feeling.

IMG_0652.PNG

We fed the ducks and geese, saw the first bluebells of the season, and had some fancy apple juice. Maybe things aren’t so bad.

Another positive is that because of daylight savings I only have a 7 hour shift tonight. Oh, and I have a nice busy day planned tomorrow which will hopefully perk me up a bit. After tomorrow I’m going to work hard and…

ACS_0909.jpg

Check out my 8 week food diary from the White Triangle Co. It was a bit pricey, but I wanted it, I had the money, so I got it. Watcha gonna do?

Right, I have to get ready for work now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

I’ve Been Waiting for This

The security department at work are having a new system put in. Whilst it’s being implemented, the question has been raised – if someone from another site came in and looked at our passes, would they be able to identify them from our pictures?

In my case, the answer is probably not.

I’ve been wanting to get my photo updated for quite some time, but it wasn’t allowed. Now I can finally get what I want! Although it’s fun to have an awful picture of me to hand to show newer members of staff who never saw me when I was bigger, I also don’t really like being reminded daily of how much I was struggling back then.

Enlight23.jpg

Back to the present, and I’m actually feeling rather good. Once I’m done here I’m going to do some hula hooping then jump on the exercise bike. Yesterday I went out for a little walk before having my glorious soak in the tub, but my knee hurt too much for me to fill my exercise ring. Most disappointing.

I’ve been considering swimming on and off for about a year now, but there are still some things putting me off. I’m worried about being too slow and whether I’ll get in someone’s way, and I’m worried about sinking. The last time I swam (in a lake in the lake district, it was awesome) I realised that I’m actually a rubbish swimmer.

But I won’t get better if I don’t practice now, will I?

Since I’m nervous my plan of action is to visit the David Lloyd down the road. I’ve checked and their pool opens at 6am so I could go straight after work, and I’ll simply ask if there are any restrictions for beginners. Is there such a thing as a slow lane? Well that’s what I intend to find out.

Whilst my knee is recovering I do need to find something that’ll get my heart rate up a little higher, because limping along just isn’t cutting it right now. Swimming could quite possibly be the answer. We’ll see.

It was nice getting out and about yesterday, but I must remember not to visit this particular park next time. I always forget how weird and grim it is.

The WWII pillbox is pretty cool. We used to go on trips there when I was in junior school, but I am sad to say that people are still using it as a toilet.

The giant metal cockroach is a relatively new addition, as are the creepy wooden people. I’m not convinced they were a great idea. My main issue with the park though is that it’s just not very explorable.

On the plus side they do have some seriously old houses there. On one of my school trips I remember going inside them. This one was actually moved to make way for an additional terminal at Stansted airport, and I remember being fascinated that they could actually do that. How do you go about moving a house?

I could look it up, but I’d rather be happily baffled in this instance. Sometimes it’s ok to just look at something and think… bonkers. Just bonkers.

After I was done at the park I was early for my bath appointment, and I knew I wanted something nice. I was determined to stay on plan, so I went to McDonald’s for the teeniest little cup of coffee. I’m so easily pleased!

ACS_0892.jpg

HOW CUTE!!!

I’ve done quite a bit of thinking over the last couple of days and I think I know specifically why I’ve been struggling to stay on plan. I think it always helps to figure out the ‘why’. Annoyingly it’s another of those things I can’t talk about publically, but hopefully you get the idea. Now I’ve figured out what’s really going on in my subconscious, I can fight it properly.

Right, it’s time to get cracking with my exercise now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x