Struggling

Not training really sucks. I’m currently 6th in the Fitbit leaderboard, which is unheard of. I am almost always first, unless my sister has a particularly adventurous weekend and she syncs her tracker before me. I quickly knock her back off the top spot straight after.

Competitive? Me? Well I never thought so until I started tracking my steps.

I’ve spent today looking at alternatives to tide me over while I’m resting my knee. The number one choice seems to be swimming, but after my dip in the lake I discovered that I’m really not very good at it and need some lessons.

I really used to love Aqua Aerobics at one of the smaller local council pools, so I thought I’d see if they still do classes. All of my locals pools have been done up fairly recently and the facilities are much better, but I’ve now found that they are ridiculously expensive. The Aqua Aerobics classes used to be £3.50, now they’re £6. Or, I could get a membership for £45 a month. Maybe I could utilise it enough to warrant the cost, but they want £60 up front on top of that.

Erm, you about you go eff yourselves?! How is that making fitness accessible to people in a deprived area?

My fitness is now hugely important to me, so really I might have considered forking out just temporarily, but as it happens I have given away all of this month’s expendable income to a friend in need. On top of that I miscalculated my bills and have left things a little tighter than they should have been, so the theme of this month is frugality.

In a way I’m quite enjoying it (she says, only 4 days into the month…) because I’m relishing the thought of clearing out the cupboards of all the bits and bobs. I’m still trying to declutter, and that goes for the kitchen, too. Now I’m out and about more I visit Aldi or Lidl most days, so there’s no need for me to have tons of store cupboard ingredients. The quest for a simple, clutter-free life continues!

I am struggling in general though. I’m struggling with my mood, struggling to stay on plan, struggling to stay positive. I feel like I’m treading water while I’m desperately trying to find my mojo. Does anyone know where it went?

My plan is to start walking a little bit more from tonight, because I’m on a different department at work and will need to anyway, so I’ll see how my knee fares with ordinary walking. If I’ve walked anywhere so far I’ve made sure I’m wearing proper supportive footwear, and I’ve put nice insoles in my horribly hard-soled work boots. Even when my knee was hurting the most I could still walk for miles without it seeming to make things worse, so I reckon I’ll be ok. We will see! And the doctor didn’t say anything about not walking, so I suppose it’s allowed.

As for food I’m just taking it one meal at a time, because I’m craving sugary crap like there’s no tomorrow. But giving in to those cravings won’t lead to anything good, so I just have to cling on for dear life.

If I keep putting one foot in front of the other, then things will get easier again.

On a more positive note I’m absolutely LOVING my meals outside in the shade of our apple tree. So that’s something at least!

It’s now time for a gentle stroll to Lidl for a veg top-up, so I’ll say bye for now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Trouble in Paradise

As I start to write it’s nearing midnight, and I’m feeling sad and anxious. I’ve not been feeling great for a couple of days, which I put down to those hormonal fluctuations that I seem to spend so much time going on about. I’ve just been riding the wave though.

Tonight though I’m feeling extra bad, what with one thing and another. I haven’t felt this bad since I was with my ex, and it’s obviously not an enjoyable experience. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings back then, and it turns out I still don’t know what to do with them. I haven’t learned much in those few years it seems. Or have I?

I need to turn these negative feelings into positive actions. It’s just a shame it’s extra hard because of the day I’ve had.

On the one hand it’s been nice. It’s my mum’s 60th birthday next week and we had a birthday tea party for her this afternoon. I had intended to stay entirely on plan and not partake in any of the baked goods, but my sister had gone to such an effort making almost everything vegan that I felt obliged to join it. Guilt if I do eat food, guilt if  I don’t.

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At the very least it was all very beautiful (and utterly delicious).

I decided to weigh myself beforehand, thinking that since I’ve had a perfect week so far something is bound to have come off. But nope, not the case. Sigh. In fact half a pound has gone on.

I didn’t go mad with the food (which was lovely by the way) so I shouldn’t feel too bad about it, but compounded with everything else I’m just feeling awful. And filled with doubt yet again. I feel like I could handle anything if I could at least see something happening with the weight loss this week. The scales just don’t always oblige in that way though, do they?

Positives though! There are a few things I can concentrate on next week to see if I can get those numbers moving in the right direction.

  • I have been going a bit mad with potatoes so perhaps that has held up my losses. I went shopping yesterday and have a fridge full of Speed Foods so let’s see if changing that up affects the scales. Maybe I’ll even do a couple of SP days. I haven’t tried SP despite being a member when it was first introduced.
  • I’ve been eating pasta which I don’t have often – perhaps it has bloated me out a bit. I’ll try putting my pasta eating to one side for the time being as an experiment.
  • I’ve trained three times this week after my schedule being up the wall for the previous two weeks. It sure has felt like a shock to the system, so that may well have thrown a spanner in the works. I’m not someone who can avoid running in order to avoid a gain, so I’ll carry on as normal and wait for my body to adjust. Three sessions minimum in the coming week!
  • I can’t let this feeling stop me from achieving my goals. I need to channel all of that negative energy into getting sh*t done. 

So yeah. Everything will be fine. It always is, in the end, no matter how bad things appear at the time. Onwards and downwards, and I will NOT let this blip affect the coming week.

Thanks for reading my nighttime ramblings,

Hayley x

An Incontinence of Yellowlegs

After getting a healthy dose of inspiration from my favourite blogger, this week I have decided to do 20,000 steps per day. This is only feasible because I’m not at work, and it’s good I’m actually sticking to it because it may negate a fraction of the extra calories I’ve consumed. But I’ll get back to that later.

Monday I got up bright and early and took a stroll into town via the nearest (normally a bit dodgy) park. As all of the schools are now on holiday there were more people about and I felt a little bit safer, so that was nice. I saw not one but two grey herons, but they flew off before I got a chance to photograph them.

I did a couple of laps of the lake, apologised to the geese for not feeding them, then hit the shops. I decided to explore the places in town where I don’t normally go, and I discovered that we have two St Luke’s Hospice charity shops. One is tiny and absolutely crammed to the brim with stuff, and the other is huge with not much in it. I think someone’s missing a trick there! I nearly bought a doll’s house for a fiver until I realised that I am a grown up and also that I’d have to carry it around with me.

I went in all the other charity shops and nothing really grabbed me but I did discover that the best items appear to be donated to the British Heart Foundation. There was a lovely dress in there that would have fit me, but it was too nice and I wouldn’t have had any occasion to wear it. I’ll be keeping my beady eye on that shop though.

I didn’t leave town empty handed – I found that there is a fruit and veg stall – and the man sold me okra (the supermarkets never have any) and four delicious nectarines (which are fast becoming my favourite fruit). I also bought two tops from H&M, which is a massive deal for me because I’ve never been able to fit in anything from H&M! Their sizes are infamously all over the shop, but I’m pleased with that all the same!

On the way home I stopped to drink my traditional cold brew, the geese had the last of my bag of porridge oats, and I took a couple of  snaps to show just how many geese there actually are. These photos were taken seconds apart – it’s not the same geese in both shots, there really are that many geese.

Yesterday was not so exciting. I walked to the hospital for my blood test appointment, and I’m glad I went to the doctors now because something is definitely not right. My food cravings have come back with a vengeance and I’m ashamed to say I have given into them. It seems to me there’s more to it than a lack of willpower. I feel… kind of empty. Even with my family I feel like I’m going through the motions, saying the right things, smiling when it’s appropriate, but I’m not feeling much at all deep down. If it were up to me I’d like to be completely alone and in complete silence. When I wake up in the morning, even after a decent sleep, I’m tired again after an hour. So yeah, something’s up, I’m sure it’s psychological, and I’m frightened. Because this isn’t me. I have down days like everyone else but the bit where I come out of the other side doesn’t seem to be happening, and I don’t really know what to do. I should have sought advice yesterday, but my thoughts only really came together today. Even then they’re not very coherent! I don’t know… I think that I need to keep plodding on then one day out of the blue I’ll wake up feeling awesome again! It’s just keeping those damn cravings at bay in the meantime that is the hardest part.

My plans for today were to get up early and go to Aldi and Farmfoods because they get absurdly busy and there’s no way I’m setting foot in either of them after 9am. But after 8 hours sleep I was still tired so I went back to bed for another two. After me and Pea had breakfasted together instead of doing some boring old shopping I walked to the nature reserve, getting 18,000 steps while I was at it.

As I arrived I saw a group of swifts, so I sat down on a bench to find out what the collective noun for them is. Then I got a little sidetracked, because the whole deal of collective nouns for birds is insane! Some species have several, and some have a different noun depending on what they are doing. If geese are on land they’re a gaggle, in flight they are a skein, and flying in a ‘v’ they are a chevron of geese. If a ducks are on land they are a safe of ducks, on water a paddling or a raft, when diving they are a dopping, or when in flight they are a plump! How could anyone possibly remember all that? My favourite has to be the title of this post though – an incontinence of yellowlegs. Who even thinks these up I ask you? I nearly forgot about the swifts again. Their collective noun is a box, a drift, a screaming frenzy (???) or a swoop. I think I prefer swoop personally.

Apart from swifts and crows there wasn’t much bird life about, but I need see two randy horses, an inquisitive pig, and plenty of mushrooms. I have a guide to British Mushrooms & Toadstools, and so far I don’t think I’ve been able to successfully identify a single species.

There was more to this post, but WordPress kindly deleted it somehow so goodness knows what I wrote. I don’t think I could have had a huge amount left to say, apart from the fact that I hopefully have a friend visiting later and I’m out visiting my sister tomorrow (as well as somehow getting my steps in too). The gist of it was that I will just keep on swimming. I’ll get there in the end!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

PS – Oh, there was something important! And I wrote a huge paragraph about it. The fungus that looks like something that’s burnt? Well I’d just love to know what that is but so far my book and the internet has failed me. At first I wasn’t even sure it was a fungus, but as I looked closer I could see it had pores and was definitely a living thing. Curiosity got the better of me and I carefully used a twig to have a peek underneath. The smell of rotten fish was almost overpowering, it was all gooey, there were maggots in there, and something bright, bright yellow. It was really weird! Hopefully one day I’ll come across something and figure out what it is. Until then… it’s a mystery…

The Wagon

I haven’t just fallen off the wagon this week, the damn thing stopped and reversed over me just to make doubly sure it got me!

It’s coming up to my one year anniversary as a Slimming World member and I’ve struggled this week more than I have in a long time. I say struggled, what I really mean is I practically gave up. I’ve had this week booked off work for months and I couldn’t wait, but when the day actually came my mood changed and it hit me like an absolute ton of bricks. I’m fairly certain it’s hormonal so rather than just try to get through it as best I can I have sought help. The first available doctors appointment I could get was for the 8th of August, by which time I’ll probably be feeling better, but I need to see someone anyway or this is just going to keep happening. I’ve been meaning to try an implant or injection to regulate my hormones for ages, but the annoying thing is it could increase my appetite. But if I still stick to plan it doesn’t matter if I eat more, as long as I’m eating the right stuff. I have to just bite the bullet and give it a try, because right now I’m finding it nigh on impossible to stay in control of my moods/cravings and my sense of perspective (and enthusiasm for just about anything) has up and left me. It took me four days just to get dressed and leave the house, and if it wasn’t for my little Pea then I doubt I would have got out of bed unless it was to get food.

But it’s not all doom and gloom! Although I’m finding it hard to really feel it deep down in my bones I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve felt this way before and I can still feel it’s different this time around because I will keep trying and trying until I get to my target weight. No matter how many times I slip up, I will never truly give up. I have been reflecting over the last year and it is super annoying that my mood should hit me like this right now, because I wanted to make a YouTube video about how the last year has gone and how fab I feel (felt/will feel?), but all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. It’s hard enough writing this blog post! So I’ll put that on hold until things even out a little, even if at my next weigh in will be exactly a year since my first and I’ll be celebrating it with a nice big gain. Never mind, I’ll just practice damage limitation as best I can until then.

My time so far hasn’t been totally wasted (although that’s a matter of opinion) and I’ve been reading, playing a game (Zelda on DS, and I’m a gnat’s whisker away from completing it) and watching the latest series of Orange is the New Black with my mum. I did have plans to go out visiting some friends I haven’t seen in a long time, but there’s something wrong with my car and it won’t be looked at until Monday. I certainly cannot risk any long journeys. I looked at getting the train but the prices were astronomical – no wonder people drive when they have the option!

Although I do enjoy these ‘sitting around’ activities it’s really hard for me to enjoy them without guilt, especially when my Fitbit tells me how few calories I’m burning this week. But there was a little inspirational moment on Orange is the New Black where one of the characters says something (I don’t exactly recall) about how feeling sad is like when there are loads of clouds in the sky. You don’t think that the sky’s still blue, but it is, it’s just hidden behind the clouds. And the clouds are your mood. They’ll pass eventually.

Speaking of clouds even though it was chucking it down yesterday I went out walking and it was really nice to be outside and to be pretty much alone. I walked to the local country park from home and when I last did that walk I was too tired to do any exploring and had to go straight back home again. This time however I walked around for about an hour and a half, plus I only saw four other people the whole time. One was a hardcore jogger and the rest were dog walkers. One particular dog went absolutely berserk at me because he had never seen an umbrella before. I must have looked pretty scary! The sun even came out just as I was leaving (typical) but it was nice to dry off on the walk home and top up on some vitamin D.

I will go out for another walk later, especially as I’m nearly out of coffee, but this time I won’t eat a load of crap when I get in. I am determined to stay on plan until at least Monday, as I might be going out with a friend and I’m not sure what the food plans are. We might be visiting a vegan restaurant but all this is up in the air for now and I’ll have to see. I think I can handle having one meal out off plan, whereas I have learned this week that if I have stuff in the house then I just cannot control myself, even when I’ve gone way past the point of actually enjoying what I’m eating. I still keep on stuffing it in! This morning the nice man from Ocado delivered an absolute ton of fresh veggies, so I should be OK now that all the bad food has been eaten.

One thing I have learned is that there is absolutely no going back with this veganism thing. When I first became a veggie and I had a ‘treat day’ one of my friends just couldn’t understand why I didn’t eat meat! I tried to explain that stuff like that just isn’t food for me any more, so even on a cheat day it’s not an option. Although I’ve eaten so much bad stuff this week (I’m talking Biscoff spread straight from the jar bad) I am happy to say that not one speck of it came from an animal!

Well I think I’ll end this post now before I depress you all too much.

As ever thank you for reading,

Hayley x

PS I nearly forgot to say – I saw a gosh darn green woodpecker on my walk (and if that’s not a positive then I don’t know what is!)

Backtracking

Ooh I’ve been naughty and haven’t written a blog in a while! In my defence… actually nope, I have no defence. I’ve just been a bit crap. So what’s been going on since last time? The week before last I lost 1.5 pounds, which is lovely and all, but on the way home from group I decided to go off plan and eat a ton of chocolate. After that I had two days on plan, then the rest of the week was mostly a disaster.

Do you remember me saying that I wanted to have a more colourful life? Well I did try to find colourful clothes but nothing suited me, so instead at my hairdresser’s appointment on Friday I instructed him to go as mad with the dye as he wanted. This was the result:

The picture doesn’t even do it justice, it’s just AMAZING! It’s so vibrant it’s unbelievable. So I was pretty chuffed with the end result, that is until I got home. I looked in the mirror and realised how exposed my face is now that my hair is even shorter and I admit it- I had something of a meltdown. It’s like all of the confidence I’ve gained over the past few months has just up and left me, but don’t worry, I’m working hard to find it again. That day I totally ate my feelings and ordered a massive takeaway of falafel, houmous and chips which doesn’t sound too bad, but the portions were enormous and the falafel was deep fried. It was yummy, but it occurs to me how little sense it makes. I am worried people can see too many of my chins so what do I do? Eat food that’s guaranteed to give me an extra one! Yeah, how stupid!

After that it was all downhill. I was back at work Saturday night and to be honest I was ready for a fight with the first person who criticised my hair. Thankfully I only had to contend with one rude person who greeted me not with a hello, but with ‘oh my god what have you done? You looked so pretty before, you’ve ruined it’, which was just lovely, but I told him how rude he was being and off he went. Everyone else was (uncharacteristically) very kind indeed.

Sunday I started thinking about the work drinks scheduled for Monday, and over these two days I learned some very important things about myself. One is that I should listen to my instincts. I decided that I didn’t want to go but I did anyway, because I didn’t want to let people down. Even though those people got there roughly three hours after they said they would… The other thing is that I no longer enjoy alcohol. I did put away a fair bit of booze but not once did I feel drunk. I felt sick from the first pint of Magners, which I used to really enjoy, but it was sickly and bloated me out. Someone bought me a Fireball Whiskey and coke which was disgusting– I had one mouthful and donated it to another member of the group when the person who bought it for me went to the toilet! By 9:30pm I was ready for my bed so before everyone else hit the clubs I made my escape. Oh yes, I forgot to mention I had a giant pizza on Sunday night, and on the way to the station on Monday I stopped off at a Tesco Express where bought yet more chocolate and some other bits and pieces. When I got home me and my mum watched some TV together while I ate an entire brioche loaf, then I got myself to bed before I could do any more damage.

I woke up the next day, which happened to be weigh day, feeling not positive as such, but like I can actually do this. The fact that I didn’t want to go out on Monday threw me for the whole week. Or more accurately I let it throw me. What I should have done was just stick to my guns, not go, stay on plan and be happy. But I made myself miserable by trying to force myself to enjoy something that just isn’t me any more. While we were on our way to yet another pub I looked longingly at the Costa Coffee over the road and daydreamed about how wonderful it would be to be sitting in there enjoying a flat white with my sister…

Anyway! I braved weigh in on Tuesday evening even though it was the very last thing I wanted to do, and discovered that yet again I have had an epic gain. But it was ‘only’ 9 lbs this time! I need to stop doing this because not only does it make me miserable, but according to my Fitbit my heartrate rockets every time I eat extreme amounts of food. Clearly it is putting a lot of strain on my ticker, so I need to stay in control in future.

My mission from now on is to only spend my precious free time with people who are helping me to achieve my goals. Not because they are particularly going out of their way to do so, but because the things we like doing together just happen to fit into the whole Slimming World lifestyle. I haven’t seen much of my dad, well, ever because mostly he doesn’t give a crap, but also because when I do see him it’s always centered around food. I’ve asked him if he wants to come out on a walking adventure with his children but he isn’t the slightest bit interested! He is however happy to walk along the seafront with his girlfriend’s family, but I’ll save that particular rant for another day…

So the rest of May will probably be spent undoing one weekend’s worth of damage, then it’s my Snowdon trip at the end of the month. I still have no idea what to do about food for the trip, so it’s going to take some research. Which I’ve been saying for a couple of weeks so I really should get around to that!

It’s time for me to get ready for work now (story of my life) so goodbye for now!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Full Disclosure

I’ve been craving bad food lately and I really, really tried to be sensible about it. Last Thursday I had a Flexi-Syn day, ending the day on 66 Syns. I didn’t feel wonderful, but still in control. I thought I had a handle on things! Then… I don’t actually know what happened. It wasn’t emotional eating, I think I just had an adult tantrum. It just felt like me stamping my foot and screaming ‘I WANT IT!’ So I had it, and my home weigh-in (I’m totally chickening out of group today) shows a gain of 12 lbs as a result of four days of eating ice cream and takeaways. Well, that is the consequence of my actions and I must simply pay the price. Carrying on down this route is absolutely not an option, so today after an epic sleep to set me up for the work week it’s time to get back all the focus and positivity that I have lost. It didn’t just go away though, I let it slide. I’m still 4 stone down on my original start weight, so I need to get those scales moving in the right direction again. I can do it. I WILL DO IT.

Part of me does want to go to group, but the other part of me has noticed (and so have others out there) how there seems to be a huge emphasis on the numbers at Slimming World lately. In fact I’ve already been thinking about having a word with my consultant. Every week when she calls out my loss she always points out the fairly large amount I’ve lost and the short amount of time I’ve done it in, and I always feel like I have to explain to the people with small losses that it’s not as simple as that. I do have big losses when I stick to it, but that’s because I have a lot of weight to lose. And when I do gain, I gain big too. As you can see. I think it would help some people to see the other side of the coin but I just can’t face it.

Instead I’ve made myself a cup of coffee and before I get started for the day I’m going to catch up with the bloggers and YouTuber’s I’ve been avoiding, read the latest Slimming World magazine, and get moving. I haven’t done any exercise since Friday and that’s really not going to help matters!

The next blog is going to be full of good news and positivity.

Thank you for sitting through this one!

Hayley x

Energy

I seem to be stuck in a weird energy cycle at the moment. For a couple of weeks I barely need any sleep, I’m super productive and I get a ton of stuff done. Then for the next couple of weeks I want to sleep all the time and can barely be bothered to cook dinner. For someone who loves to eat as much as me this is a big deal! During these times it’s a case of just slogging away and carrying on regardless, but there are times when I just can’t help but be lazy.

At the moment I feel like some area of my life always has to be out of control in some way. There is very little in my life right now that’s more important to me than staying on track with my weight loss. In order to be successful it’s right up there at the top of my list of priorities, second only to my gorgeous parrot. Deep down since I’m so tired at the moment I want to forego exercise, but I really want my Gold Body Magic award, I really want to improve my body shape, and get fitter, and aid my weight loss. So even when I should relax or go to bed I’m soldiering on. The downside of this is that when I get to work, like last night, I’m ready to drop. Then the manager says ‘there’s not much work, who would like to go home?’ and although I really shouldn’t, although I know money is going to be so tight come payday, I just can’t help myself.

Last night instead of earning money I slept for nearly 10 glorious hours. I should be getting stuff done now, but I’m procrastinating because what I really want to do is go back to bed. That can’t be right! On the other hand I remember how much I struggled with my energy levels the last time I was successful with Slimming World. It was definitely a factor when it came to me regaining all the weight- not because I genuinely needed extra food for energy, but because I just started letting things slide. For instance I’d tell myself that I ‘need’ a sugary energy drink to get through my shift. Or that I’m justified in ordering a takeaway because I need extra sleep.

That’s all nonsense though. The way to cope with this lies in planning. Today I’m going to get off my arse, go to the shops and get me some microwave jacket potatoes. These help me in two ways- when I do Slimming World chips it’s hard to me to control my portions, but with a jacket potato I just have the one potato rather than three or four. Also if I pre-cook some veggie sausages and whatnot plus get some salad bits, maybe boil a few eggs, then for the rest of the work week I can have a dinner ready in 10 minutes. For lunches I will knock up a batch of Slimming World ‘Heinz’ tomato soup. Preparation is key, and there is no excuse for failure!

With these strategies in place I can make sure I get extra sleep in the evening to prepare myself for my shifts. So no more going home without pay for me.

Despite these little struggles in some ways I’ve been having a fantastic week so far. I popped to my dad’s while he’s on holiday to have a soak in his tub which was nice, but to be honest I didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. It was very nice to note how there’s a lot more space in the bath then there used to be, but I got bored pretty quickly so I posted back his keys ahead of time rather than going for a soak every day like I’d originally planned.

Tuesday was weigh day, and I lost a fantastic 4.5 lbs, got my 4.5 stone award and got Slimmer of the Week!

I’m now in the 16 stone bracket which I haven’t been in since early 2014, and I only have 11 lbs to go before the 15 st bracket. I can almost taste it! It’s my plan to be 15 st 13 lbs or under before my work night out on the 1st of May. This is one of the reasons I’m so focused right now- there’s no opportunity for a slip up when I want to achieve my goals this badly. The main focus point is my next award though. 6 lbs to go, that’s all I really need to think about.

Right then, I’d better be off and get some of things done that have to be done today. Then I’ll have an afternoon nap!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

All The Wrong Things

For the last three days I have been stupid. I know we should be kind to ourselves but that right there is the cold, hard truth of it. I had that one meal off plan last Wednesday, and then did a ton of exercise and ate really well to try and make up for it. That part went OK, until on Monday when I had a sneak peek on the scales. They showed that I had gained 8 POUNDS. Any sensible person would say that this was a malfunction of the scales, or at the very least my body has reacted a bit weirdly to all the exercise I did. But instead of listening to the sensible voice in my head I ate a bad dinner because I felt really low. Eventually I decided that I needed to get it out of my system so I got in the car with the intention of going out and getting some proper naughties.

As soon as the car moved I knew something was terribly wrong. The noise was horrendous but it was dark at this point so I just had to go back indoors and wait until morning before I could figure out what to do. As soon as my car goes wrong I go to pieces. If it was just me I had to worry about it wouldn’t be a big deal, but I must have a car for my mum’s sake. There are no two ways about it. So stupid act number two was to storm in the front door and order a pizza and ice cream to be delivered.

Stupid act number three came the next day. My ex came round to have a look at the car (he’s something of a petrol head) and diagnosed the problem without even lifting the bonnet or starting the car. By the time he’d finished the cup of tea I’d made him he had sourced a part, arranged to pick it up the following day, and arranged for a mobile mechanic to fit the part the day after. Words could not express my gratitude but as is our way when we help each other out, he just told me to shut up as soon as I tried to thank him. After that was sorted I still felt bad so I went to Lidl’s and bought a load of crappy food. So much so that I spent most of Tuesday feeling sick. What a crazy thing to do! What did I hope that would achieve?

Then yesterday it was time to go to London to visit my sister and get vegan goodies. Again I overate but we did do a load of walking. I just felt a little hollow, because I had been really excited to go on the train without feeling like I shouldn’t inflict my fatness on the person sitting next to me.

In reality despite all the rubbish I’ve eaten I’m sure to look at me the change is imperceptible. Or at least it would be if I hadn’t got home and eaten an entire coffee and walnut cake…

This three-day-binge has really shaken me because I thought I was past all this. I thought I had everything cracked, and one bad mood that I couldn’t shake set me off on a course that could quite easily see me gain back all the weight I’ve lost in a scarily short amount of time.

I cannot, nay, will not allow myself to end up back where I started! I’ve been there too many times. Bad moods happen all the time, I just have to find a way to deal with it when I feel particularly bad. It’s not like the world bloody ended- my car broke and I put on a few pounds. Big bloody deal!

Onto the positives – an awfully nice chap came to sort my car out this morning. I actually have a lot to be grateful for. The part and repairs cost me £190 but it could have been a lot worse.

This spring is the part of my car that broke. As the spring is always under tension it just so happened to snap while the car was sitting on the drive. If it had gone while I was driving, it could have embedded itself in my tyre or even worse, cut through the brake lines. Now THAT would be something to stress about.

I did have a good time with my sister yesterday despite not feeling 100%. Just lately I have been craving meat somewhat so I was really happy to try out a totally vegan KFC substitute at Temple of Hackney.

It. Was. Delicious! But as you can see not at all Slimming World friendly. Neither were the espresso Martini’s for that matter! On the plus side we did walk everywhere and clocked up 23,000 steps in the process.

I think I just need a little perspective. Although I can put away quite a bit of food when I put my mind to it, at the end of the day it’s only been a total of four days off plan this month. When I’ve had trouble in the past I’ve just buried my head in the sand, avoided weighing myself completely, and before I know it I have a mountain to climb again. The fact that I’m here, admitting to it and trying to make sense of it, really is progress.

I’ve been so happy up until now. From Sunday I’m back on my normal department at work, the cold that I acquired yesterday will be a thing of the past and with a bit of routine back in my life I can crack on and steam ahead towards my 4 st award. It may be a little further away than it was last week, but I’ll still get there.

Hayley x