Fighting

I’ve had four hours sleep today and I have work in a couple of hours. What could possibly go wrong, eh?

I did a good deed this morning/afternoon. My sister needed to have a little anomaly in her leg cut out and she asked me to accompany her, so of course I said yes. She’s my little sister after all! We had coffee beforehand, which was me being clever because I knew if I had real coffee shop coffee too late in the afternoon then I’d never sleep before work.

Despite having the coffee before midday, I still couldn’t get off this evening and eventually gave up. I’ll be ok, I’ll just catch up tomorrow (and make sure I’m topped up with caffeine before work).

Anyway, my sister’s appointment did bring it’s own little bit of happiness. The doctor and assisting nurse she saw were such lovely people, and the first thing the nurse said is that you can tell we are sisters because we look so alike. This brings me nothing but joy, because it’s only very recently that I’ve looked anything like my sister. My face was so… distorted by fat that we didn’t look at all alike, but we sure do now. We get the same comment from every new person we meet in fact.

It’s extra good because I’ve always thought that my sister is beautiful, and now by default that must mean that I’m not quite as ugly as my internal thoughts try to tell me I am. I can’t be mean about myself, because that means I’m being mean to my sister too. There’s some logic in there, honestly!

So. Moving on.

Last night I got angry. Then I decided to fight for what I want. And then I got excited. I’m still excited now. It can be so goddamn tiring, fighting for the life you want, and sometimes you just want to say to hell with it. Sometimes, like me, you do. And you end up eating everything in sight for two weeks, or two months even. It sure feels like two months to me, but the number on the scales shows me that I must be doing something right at least some of the time. And it’s never, ever too late to pick yourself up and start again.

I never give myself enough credit, because what I’ve done so far is incredible. It still amazes me to think that I have enough clothes to wear something different every day of the week, and I feel comfortable enough in every single item that I don’t have to stress about what I’m putting on.

Up until now this kind of heat would see me trying on several different outfits, trying to find something cool enough to wear that also wouldn’t show too much of me, all the time getting hotter, sweatier, more out of breath, stressed and upset. Now when I’m picking my outfit my sole concern is whether I can get away with not ironing it!

What’s really exciting for me right now is that for the first time in months I truly, deep down in my heart of hearts want to get back on plan, and I truly want to do it just for myself. I lost my way for a little while there, but I found the trail of breadcrumbs. So to speak.

And although it feels like a fresh start, I’m not actually starting over. Because there’s something in me now that knows when enough is enough, before any real damage starts to be done. Before I’m telling myself that I really am as happy at 18 stone as I was at 14-something, and ending up at 20+ stone before I admit to myself that it was a complete lie.

After making the decision to really have a big shake-up in my life, and I mean literally minutes after, my first test arrived. A nice chap at work invited me to the pub on Monday and it took every bit of willpower I have to decline the invite.

It’s perfectly reasonable to be following the Slimming World plan and still go out and have a few drinks, but for me I don’t want to risk losing momentum before I’ve even got going again. This particular person is at the pub most weekends, and we get the same days off, so I’ve promised him that I will indeed come out in the future. But for now I have goals to smash. 

And I won’t stop fighting until I’ve smashed them all.

Hayley x

PS I can’t stand a post without anything nice to look at, so here’s me hanging out with the green one. Enjoy!

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Being Stubborn

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Today was weigh day and I’m absolutely delighted to say that I lost 3 lbs and got my Bronze Body Magic award!

I was a little worried because this week I have been so inactive. I’ve done the least amount of steps since rejoining my Slimming World group, but to be fair it’s not entirely my fault. During the summer I noticed that my knees were starting to hurt, which I still put down to them having to deal with carrying around so much excess weight. Even so, although I’ve lost just over 2 stone, they are hurting more than ever and the right one is crunching. Which can’t be good. But I’m stubborn and have put off going to the doctors.

Unfortunately in the new year I’m going to have to bite the bullet and find out what’s going on, because I was unable to do my step aerobics and kettlebell workouts this week. I’m as surprised as anyone to say that I’m disappointed by this! Yesterday I did a bit of research and devised a 20 minute kettlebell workout that didn’t require any bending of the knees. It didn’t feel as good as my usual workouts, but it’s better than sitting on my butt doing nothing. After easing off of the steps for a while my knee is feeling a lot better so from tomorrow I’m going to aim for 10,000 a day again. Especially next week. I’m even going to try for 10,000 on Christmas Day!

I say that I’ve been inactive, but I still did enough to complete week 4 of my Bronze Body Magic. On Sunday I went to London to visit my sister and resisted driving to the train station. It’s become something of a tradition where I drop off a load of presents to her then we go out for a wander. That way when she visits for her birthday next week she won’t have to carry too much stuff back with her and she’ll have stuff to open when she wakes up. Thankfully I planned ahead and had bought a little lunch with me, including a Batchelor’s Vegetable Couscous Deli Box, which was free. It was my first time trying it and I’ll be honest, it was utterly tasteless. But it was hot and filled me up a little, plus I’d bought fruit, some Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages (0.5 syns each) and two HiFi Light bars as my B choice.

After lunch and saying hello to her birds we went out for a coffee. It was a real struggle! My sister lives in Bethnal Green and rather than getting the tube or a bus I suggested that we walk. We decided to go to Liverpool Street which involves walking past Brick Lane. This was especially hard because for me Brick Lane is synonymous with one beautiful thing- the delicious bagel! After we had passed Brick Lane, all I could see were signs for Indian Street food, Beijing Street food, woodfired pizzas, all kinds of food… and the smells were amazing. I resisted though, and checked the Slimming World app before ordering a medium latté for 5.5 syns. I took one look at the Cherry Bakewells and turned my head away- they were huge and deep-filled and I dread to think how many syns it would be. Way into the 20’s I’d guess!

My sister has been a great help during my Slimming World journey. When we were growing up we were both absolutely massive, there’s no other word for it, but although I’ve lost drastic amounts of weight (several times over) unlike me she has managed to keep the weight off and this year especially she has been chipping away at those last few pounds so she can really get to the weight she’s happy with. It’s been hard for her too because when she started her relationship with her boyfriend there was the usual going out for drinks and meals or whatever, which she still does and enjoys, but when she can be on plan she does fantastically and she looks slimmer and fitter now than I’ve ever seen her. And happier too! So going out with her in tow makes it so much easier for me to be good, and she’s the inspiration I need to keep going and find a balance when I’m at target.

In fact I’m feeling so positive this week, a good loss was the boost I really needed. This week I need 1.5 lbs to get my 2.5 st award, and I’m going to do everything I can to make that happen.

Hayley x