Seeds of Change

For the last few weeks, I haven’t bothered with trying to find any balance in my life. Since I finally decided to stop feeling bad about my weight, I have gone to town and have been treating every day like a holiday. It has been great. I’ve had good food, good wine, and made some irreplaceable new memories with my family.

One highlight was these immense doughnuts from Doughnut Time. I was supposed to be going to a doughnut decorating class with my sister but lockdown interfered with those plans, so I bought a couple of kits to try at home. My brother ate one and literally had to have a nap in order to sleep off the sugar overload.

They aren’t exactly cheap, but I cannot recommend them highly enough. They’re out of this world.

Another standout was toasted marshmallows on the BBQ last weekend. I had to wait forever for vegan-friendly marshmallows to be delivered (I don’t care what your dietary preference is, beef and pork do not belong in sweets) and when they did to be honest they seemed like sad, flat little things.

However, if you stick em on a BBQ and turn them slowly, they puff right up! Toasted marshmallows are delicious, but if they catch on fire? EVEN BETTER.

Me and my little bro spent the whole evening outside, and we got to see about four hedgehogs with our very own eyes. Plus we heard even more snuffling around in the bushes. Another magical memory to store away for a rainy day.

As much as it’s been fantastic not worrying about my weight, the fact remains that if I continue to eat and drink the way I have been, my health is going to suffer. So, it’s time to put holiday mode to one side and eat same damn veggies.

This isn’t my usual diet mentality though. First of all, my aspirational clothes are going. On eBay, to the charity shop, whatever, but I am DONE keeping things to ‘slim into’. I just recently bought some clothes that fit me (well they did, they’re just a little tight right now!) and it’s so freeing to try something on and think ‘yes, I like this on me now, just as I am’. Or to try something on that doesn’t feel right and assume there is something wrong with the garment, rather than something wrong with my body. It’s no longer ‘I am too big’, it’s ‘this item of clothing is too small’.

I am almost, almost ready to say goodbye to diet culture once and for all, but before I do I just want to lose a tiny bit more weight. I have set a sensible goal, and when I get there I will be able to maintain it easily. I was ‘stuck’ at that weight for perhaps a year at one point, and it was mainly outside influences that made me want to lose even more. There was a voice in my head at the time asking if I shouldn’t just stop right then (I really could have been happy y’know), but I didn’t listen to it. Ah well, the message got through eventually!

Once the final diet of my life is out of the way, I can, for the first time ever, discover what it’s like to live a life that isn’t ruled by food. I had a taste of this during holiday mode, and although it was wonderful, I did go too far the other way. Or at least, if I were going to eat like that all the time it would be too much. As far as making the most of lockdown and some beautifully sunny days, I can say, hand on heart, that I haven’t wasted a second of it.

And then, in the very near future, I can be someone who eats sensibly during the week then relaxes with a few treats at the weekend. Imagine that, not living a life of restriction, guilt, shame, binges and purges! This is a journey (sorry to drop the J word on you there) I’m really excited about, more excited than I ever got when I was close to my so-called target weight.

Although I’m telling you my plans now, I probably won’t be saying much about weight-related things from now on. That’s because it is now taking up such a tiny amount of headspace, it stands to reason it should take up a small amount of blog space as well. Going forwards, if you aren’t interested in how my plant babies are getting on, then this probably isn’t the place for you! You can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Moving on then! The plants are doing well, and although I’d planned to plant them outside soon a sudden cold snap has scuppered that plan. For now, my bedroom looks more like a greenhouse than a place to sleep, but come spring next year I’ll have a much better system in place. I seriously underestimated how much I would care about gardening, but I’m totally invested in these little seedlings. I repotted my sunflower and it was touch and go for a few days – the leaves kept going limp and I couldn’t figure out why (I’m still not entirely sure) but it pulled through and now it’s started growing again. Crisis averted… for now.

I planted some seeds I took from a butternut squash I ate a few weeks ago but didn’t expect much to happen. I thought you had to dry the seeds out and plant them next year, but I decided I’d give it a go anyway. Yesterday, their first true leaves just started peeping out! I can hardly contain my excitement!

Last week was a busy one in the garden. I finished digging the hole for the pond which was bloody hard going. You wouldn’t even believe the amount of rubble I dug up. It’s way too exposed to attract much wildlife just yet, but I have some oxygenating plants on order then I’ll build up gradually from there. Please note the hedgehog ramps devised by my brother. You see, hedgehogs can’t swim so if they fall in they need a way to get out again. Bless them.

The area I showed you a picture of a few weeks ago has gone from looking like this:

To this:

It’s getting there! Also, these are just some of the bits of tile I have so far pulled out of the ground.

I am making new discoveries in the garden nearly every single day, but I’ll save that for next time.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x