Increments

Every day, I wake up feeling just a little bit better. Things still aren’t perfect – my inner voice tried everything in its power to stop me weighing in yesterday.You see, I haven’t been entirely sensible. Since I’ve caught the reading bug lately, once I start a book I find it really hard to stop reading until it’s finished. Will I ever learn moderation? With ANYTHING? I really hope so!

Over the weekend I finished one book then read a further two entire novels, going to sleep at 4am one day and 5am the next. On the plus side I stayed in a nights pattern (handy for work), but on the downside when I had to get up earlier than usual to go to my Slimming World group, I most certainly did not want to.

Reading is a very worthwhile pursuit, but as a result of my current habits I’ve barely moved. As such I was also worried about not having a great first week as far as the diet goes.

As usual I needn’t have worried – I only went and lost 8.5 pounds! I’ve been saying every year since 2017 that the current year I’m in will be the one I get to target, but I honestly think this is the one.

What’s different this time? Well, I’ve made so many mistakes over those years, which have turned into a lot of valuable lessons. I know that I can’t stick to plan when I feel especially down, and I know that I can’t prevent myself feeling that way without help. I always feel a twinge of guilt when the antidepressants kick in, like I don’t deserve to feel better because I didn’t ‘earn’ it by myself. Which is so dumb. I’d never think that about another person in the same situation in a million years. It’s about acceptance now. This is how it is, and this is what’s going to help me move forward.

If I lose an average of 1.25 pounds per week, then I’ll be at target in time for the beginning of December. If I lose more than that (which I know I can do and expect I will) I may even by at target in time for my birthday in October, but I’m not putting too much pressure on myself as far as that goes.

I’m now aiming for a nice and steady 2 pounds off per week. Sometimes it’ll be more, sometimes it’ll be less. But that’s what I’m working towards anyway.

Despite not being as active as I like, last week was nicely productive. I slept for an average of about 9 hours a day, I stayed on top of my chores, and I even got some art done.

Staying on top of the chores has been instrumental. As soon as I feel down, after food that’s the next thing to go. Stuff ends up everywhere until I can’t see the floor, so I’ve been determined to stop that from happening. Small changes have really helped, such as making sure the bed is made every day and laying out my work clothes before I go to bed.

Because I didn’t have a wreck to sort through once the weekend arrived, I was able to do some fun stuff.

For Christmas I bought my sister (an art teacher) a really cool sketch book. It comes from the states, and once you’ve filled it, you send it back and it ends up on permanent display in a gallery in Brooklyn. I liked the idea so much, that I bought one for myself, too.

What I didn’t consider at the time, is how difficult it would be to fill in the first page. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with anxiety because everyone else’s would be better than mine. It therefore took until last Monday for me to even make a mark inside it.

Now I’ve started though, I’m loving it! Nothing I’ve done is perfect (in particular I did a sketch of Newton which has much too small a snoot) but it. Does. Not. Matter.

I’ve had some materials to play around with making stamps and doing some printing for months, but hadn’t touched it for the exact same reason – fear of failure. But this weekend I got it all out and had a damn try.

I had fun, AND I liked the results. Plus there’s one print to go in the sketch book. It’s also an extremely satisfying craft to play around with.

Back at work last night, I was doing a particularly physical job with a lot of walking, pushing and lifting. I’ve stopped drinking evil energy drinks (I’ve been trying to cut those out for a while now) but despite moving more in that shift than I had done in the last three weeks combined, I struggled to get to sleep this morning.

It felt good, and I know I need to start building my activity up again. Now the weather is less apocalyptic, it should be a lot easier to get myself outside. Not today though. Today I ache.

As such, it’s time to go back to bed for my pre-work nap.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x