How Long?

Over the last couple of days I’ve started to feel a little better. Calmer at least, and I’ve been sleeping loads. I’m talking ten hours a day, and although I’ve felt seriously guilty for not doing much else, I so needed it.

This morning I woke up feeling alive for the first time in ages.

This time of year is prime photo-taking season, so my Google Photos app has been going a bit mad with ‘remember this day’ notifications where photos from this time last year pop up.

It got me thinking, because I remember each and every time I forced myself to go out walking with my camera because I was feeling down. There’s a lot to be said for getting outdoors, because it did help with my moods, but when I look back on it now I realise that I’ve not been feeling right for over a year now. In fact I wonder just how long this has been going on?

Losing weight really helped, because I was motivated and focused, and the rewards were great. If you start with a lot to lose, as I did, in the beginning things are really exciting. It was a fantastic distraction because I was getting a new weight loss award every couple of weeks, I was getting more energy, compliments about my appearance… Life improved so much in such a short space of time that it was an enormous boost.

I found coping mechanisms when I started feeling down again, and that’s great, but I never really addressed the underlying issues. I don’t even know if there are any underlying issues, perhaps it is purely something chemical going on in my brain. All I know is that since I started perking up again I have been worried that I jumped the gun with the antidepressants, but actually, on second thought, I think it was the right thing to do.

Perhaps this will really get me into a better place where everything isn’t quite so much of an uphill battle. It’s also possible it isn’t just a chemical thing though, so I’m also going to sign up for the NHS’s Therapy For You service, as recommended by my doctor, to see if that can help too. It can’t hurt to try, right?

In the meantime I completely messed up on the diet front yet again, despite feeling quite positive about it at the beginning of the week. I did manage 5 days out of 7 on plan, so that’s something, but I’m not looking forward to weighing in at group this evening.

Uncharacteristically, I’m still going to go. It’ll help me draw that line, and I’m going to try even harder to stay on plan next this week. Also, since I’ve had to stop running I need more structured exercise goals, so I’m going to try for a Body Magic award for the first time in ages.

This time I’m going for Gold, which is 8 weeks of 5 x 30-minute sessions a week. I had a little break from wearing my Fitbit last week, because sleeping so much and not moving enough (and Fitbit confirming that) was stressing me out and making me feel even more guilty. But today I feel ready to jump back on the horse.

So far this blog hasn’t been a very happy read, but there were some highlights last week. Yesterday my friend joined me at the cinema to see The Happytime Murders, and although we were both disappointed with the film, it was still a nice afternoon. As far as the film goes, I wanted to see something silly, puerile and disgusting (which it was, in a couple of places) but it just wasn’t funny or gross enough.

This particular friend has been absolutely brilliant these last couple of weeks, and without his support I think I may have lost the plot entirely. After the film we spent a good couple of hours nattering and catching up, with him making me laugh much more than the film did.

Other than that, I stayed at my sister’s to look after her birds on Thursday and Friday, while she went away for a last minute break before she goes back to school (as a teacher, not a student!) It was hard for me because I found I didn’t do well being away from home, but it also felt good knowing that my sister could have a well-deserved break without worrying about the birdies.

Kiwi was giving all the signs of wanting to attack me so unfortunately she didn’t come out to play, but Petrie was very kind and let me give her neck-scratches. I didn’t get a photo of that because I didn’t have a spare hand at the time, but she did oblige before then…

She is a sweet little thing!

I’ve decided I’m going to blog every day this week, and post everything I eat to Instagram. I AM going to have a whole seven days of being on plan, just like I used to do in the beginning.

NO EXCUSES.

I just hope I don’t bore you all!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

History Doesn’t Repeat

I don’t know what it is about me being around the 14.5 stone mark, but it seems to make me want to eat. The last, ooh, five or so times I’ve been there in recent months some switch gets flicked in my brain that says ‘you’re doing really well, why not have a cheat day?’

Yesterday my brain was practically shouting it at me, but I ignored it.

To begin with I had a really bad sleep yesterday. I can count on one hand the times I’ve woken up before my ‘get Pea her breakfast’ alarm goes off (in fact I think I could have counted it on two fingers) but I was up an hour before. I was too tired to actually get up and do anything, so I ended up laying in bed for two hours before I got up to let Pea out to play.

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She was in one of those moods where she just wanted to sit on my shoulder all day, and whenever I tried to get her to do something else she ran round the back of my neck and just perched the other side. So cute!

Once she’d had her fill of me and went off for a nap I had some pretend bacon for lunch with a tablespoon of maple syrup which temporarily filled a hole that was screaming to be filled with 8 slices of bread.

The rest of the day was just broken sleep so I didn’t end up doing any exercise. I really wanted to, but I had to make sure I was fit for my shift and I’m pleased I was sensible about it. It was really busy for the first time in weeks and I only just made it through.

After having a massive dinner of my favourite fried smoked tofu I was finally full so off I went to work where I was rewarded for staying on plan. It was compliment city last night!

I had so many people telling me that I look like I’ve lost more weight again, that I have a spring in my step and that I look so much happier. Although of course I haven’t lost any significant weight my body is definitely changing, I’m walking taller, and the spring in my step is very real indeed. Even when I stopped to talk to a friend (and got us both in trouble) I just couldn’t keep still.

This morning I crashed out and had a fantastic sleep so I can get on and have the kind of day I intended for yesterday. The newly fixed washing machine is on the go, I’m about to pop to Lidl for a veg top-up in the glorious sunshine, then I’ll get on the exercise bike.

My trainer is still poorly so we might be able to train tomorrow but I have to see how he feels. What he has said is that even though it’s meant to be cold as hell next week we WILL still train, we just have to be careful not to slip on any ice. I love it – NO EXCUSES! Apart from being genuinely ill of course.

So have I turned a corner and got over the mental block that’s been stopping me from seeing the elusive 13 stone bracket? I certainly hope so. I have a meal out with my sister on the 4th of March and there aren’t really any healthy options where we’re going, but it’s never been the one meal that’s screwed me up. It’s me thinking ‘f*ck it’ three days before and after that causes the massive gains!

So as I’ve said time and time again, I’m going to aim to stay on plan before and get straight back on it after. I really hope I stop deceiving myself that having a massive blow out won’t make me totally miserable, because it always does. If I can just have that one meal, it’ll be such an achievement.

Until the time comes I’m going to try not to think about it too much, because even if I start planning what I’m having from the menu I’ll start obsessing over food which will make any cravings ten times worse. I must be strong.

Time is getting on now so I must be off. Thanks for reading,

Hayley x