Disentanglement

Although I’m not ready to jump straight into the world of intuitive eating, that doesn’t mean I haven’t considered some small and immediate changes I want to start making. It also doesn’t mean I haven’t been giving things a significant amount of thought. That’s kinda my thing you see, chronic over-thinker for sure. As long as my thoughts aren’t going round in circles and I’m making progress though, I can deal with that particular character trait.

What I’ve started doing is untangling the mess that is my current view of what my health means to me. The problem is, the threads of diet culture are mixed right up in there, and it’s going to take a while to separate them. There are a fair few knots to undo.

My first priority is to isolate my reasons for eating healthily that have nothing to do with weight loss. If I were giving intuitive eating a proper go, then I’d have to put weight loss completely out of my mind, however I’ve already established I’m definitely not ready for that. What is clear though is that my increasing weight is not enough of a motivator to stop my binge eating behaviours.

What I’ve been doing then is thinking about my other reasons, and it turns out they’re pretty damn solid as reasons go!

    Smells. When I eat a lot of rubbish, my tummy goes wrong. TMI? Undoubtedly, however you guys know I keep it real on here as much as I can. I’ve eaten well for just under 48 hours and already this windy situation has drastically improved (much to the relief of my poor family).
    Indigestion. It only takes one day of me eating well for any heartburn/indigestion to completely disappear.
    Mood. Healthy food helps with a healthy mood!
    Taste. I really love fruits and vegetables. I genuinely don’t think there’s a person on earth who is as into kale as I am. So when I’m eating rubbish I have no idea why I don’t include lovely veg in my meals. I want to think about what I genuinely enjoy rather than how I can use something sugary to self-medicate my depression.
    Sleep. When I eat better, my sleep quality is better. If I’m having trouble getting off I can send myself into a ‘sugar coma’, however a good sleep that does not make. Afterwards I’ll wake up after a short, restless sleep with my heart pounding and feeling like it’s trying to escape my chest.
    Skin quality. Crappy food means crappy skin, and lots of really itchy, painful spots that get redder and sorer without breaking the surface of the skin.
    Energy. The more crap I eat, the more lethargic I feel, the more I crave a sugar fix, the longer the cycle continues.

As you can see that’s more than enough to be getting on with! At the same time I’m going to switch to weighing myself on the first Monday of every month, starting in October. I’m going to try really hard not to weigh myself at all until then. I’m tired of being a slave to the scales, but I also want to keep an eye on things to a certain extent.

If I can do this (and I’m sure I can) I think it will reinforce the above reasons for eating well rather than waiting for affirmation from the scales. This way I hope to be more in touch with how I’m actually feeling. All the while I’ll keep reading and learning more about intuitive eating on the whole, building up my knowledge for when I take my next step.

Since this morning was the first time I managed to control myself whilst going to the shops straight after work in over a MONTH, I’m feeling very positive about it all. I thought about what I actually wanted to eat, and it turned out to be a big juicy orange!

I’d tentatively say that things are on the up, since I feel better than I have done in months, but I’m also staying alert and looking out for signs that it’s another false start. I don’t think it is though.

I think that’s enough reflection for one day. I’ve been out for a few walks lately and plan to go straight from work tomorrow morning, but despite the heatwave of the last few days there are definite signs of autumn in the air.

My plan is to get out walking as many times a week as possible from now on, because last year (and every year now I think of it) I’ve failed to find a single conker. This is unacceptable. Since autumn is so gosh darn beautiful, I’ll be recording as much of it as possible in my journal, which I’m completely addicted to.

I won my current journal in a YouTube competition, perhaps two or three years ago, and I’ve only just figured out the style of journaling that works for me. It took trial and error to find out what I like, but better late than never, eh?

This week’s theme is ‘garden birds’, and I’m copying (emulating?) a wonderful artist by the name of Matt Sewell. I have his book ‘Our Garden Birds’ but I never looked through it properly until now. In fact I have a few birdy art books I’ve never dedicated any proper time to.

It’s good practice, and Mr Sewell is SO TALENTED. At the beginning of the book it explains about jizz (is that a rude term in your neck of the woods? Because it certainly is in mine!)

In the bird world it refers to capturing the overall ‘vibe’ of a bird, and I doubt anyone does it as beautifully or simply as this particular artist.

I haven’t felt this inspired to keep up with my art since I was doing my GCSE at school. I got an A* by the way, one of the things I’m still very proud of to this day.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading a much more positive blog than I’ve been posting of late – I’m sure I enjoyed having the opportunity to write something truly happy for a change!

Until next time,

Hayley x

Bloat

I feel fat today. Except I don’t, not really. My sister pointed out to me a while ago (after reading about it on the internets) that fat isn’t an emotion. Once you realise that, you allow yourself to think about what’s really going on and then you can deal with it. Lightbulb moment.

Physically, I’m bloated. I currently have trapped wind and hiccups, and my tummy is noticeably bigger than it was yesterday. This doesn’t stop me looking in the mirror and automatically thinking ‘oh god I’ve failed!’ even though I’ve been absolutely spot on with my diet for the last 19 days. Not that I’m counting…

In fact I was going to blog yesterday about how slim I’m feeling and how it only took 18 days of eating healthily for things to start to turn around. The fat feeling isn’t real.

I’m also into week three of no at-home weighing, and the only reason I’ve resisted this week is that I’m scared they won’t show a loss. If they haven’t budged much for a second week (or at all) then it’s going to hit me hard. I’m trying to tow the line between staying positive and not getting my hopes up too much. That’s a difficult balance to get right!

Mentally I’m worried. Worried that it’s not working for me right now, worried I’m not making progress, worried my (considerable) efforts are for nothing.

This is all really silly though, because I KNOW it works. I know it works for me. I lost 5.5lbs the week before last, and it’s unlikely my biology has changed that much in the last fortnight that I’m no longer capable of losing weight. Very unlikely. Now it’s written down I realise how utterly ridiculous my own brain is. Get a grip brain.

So, now I’ve established that, actually, everything is fine, I can crack on. It’s out of character for me, but next week I may well do some proper food planning. Usually I’m a total carboholic, and not eating copious amounts of potatoes would leave me grumpy, ravenous and from time to time give me a banging headache. Recently though, where I’ve been trying to increase my Speed food intake, the carbs have naturally dwindled. As it’s happened gradually I haven’t had any adverse effects.

This week has been SP-ish (SP is a part of the Slimming World plan designed to speed up your weight loss, focusing on especially low energy-density and high-protein foods) so next week I may well try a whole week of full on SP. Since it’s supposed to give me an extra decent loss, if it doesn’t work I intend to bury my face in a giant plate of delicious wedges!

This is an example of one of my SP-ish meals. Loads of veg with Aldi sweet potato burgers, which are THE BOMB.

I’ve also been on some excellent walks over the last few days. The first one was to town, where I got some fantastic bargains. I don’t think I’ve ever even been in a Laura Ashley before, but I spotted some nice things in the window alongside a sign for up to 60% off. That’s my kinda sign.

I bought two lovely dresses to wear straight away, and then I did something I haven’t done for a long time – I bought two dresses to slim into… in a size TWELVE no less. I tried on a very warm, wintery dress which I suspect I’ll virtually live in when the weather turns again, but the 14 was on the verge of being too big already. Come November I’m going to be wearing that dress.

When my sister visits next I’ll get her to take some pictures (it’s already decided that I’ll give her a little fashion show to show off my purchases).

The other walks were in my favourite park, and I’m really enjoying being truly functional when it comes to my appearance. I may well get a funky hair cut in the winter, but I’ll see how I feel closer to the time. For now I’ve been pinning my hair back and going make-up free most of the time, so I’m ready to leave the house and get walking in record time. Plus the less make up I wear the more my skin condition improves.

I even have a tanned face for the first time in my life!

It’s a far cry from this time three years ago.

After reading the latest Slimming World magazine I’ve been inspired to update my motivation wall, and I’m awarding myself new weight loss certificates as I re-earn them. That’s the perks of almost being a consultant I suppose.

The pegs represent half a pound each, and there are 32 of them. When they have all been moved to the bottom string, I’LL BE AT TARGET!

Next week will be completely full of good things. I only have tonight’s shift then I’m off work till a week on Tuesday. Most importantly though, it’s going to be full to the brim of positive, healthy pursuits.

Bring it on.

Hayley x

Cold Snap

Yep, the weather has turned in the UK. I used to be hot all year round, but now I have less insulation my default setting is cold. When the sun is shining, like today, I’m perfectly happy with that. Now I’m slimmer I can fit into the cold weather clothing provided by my work, so for the last few shifts, what with a thermal base layer, joggers, a long-sleeved t-shirt, a woolly hat, two pairs of socks, gloves and a fleece snood, I was positively toasty.

The best part though is that I’ve discovered I’m a hat person. When I gain weight my face gets really big and hats just don’t look right. This is the only old photo I can find of me wearing a hat but I’m sure you can, um, kinda get the idea…

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Don’t ask.

This year has definitely been the year of the hat which has saved me SO MUCH TIME. I don’t think I’ve done my hair for work since November, which means an extra 10-20 minutes in bed. Yay!

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This is my favourite hat, because I’m currently obsessed with mustard. I have quite a collection going on now – this is just a small sample. The Christmas hats have of course been packed away until December but if I remember rightly I now have enough to wear a different one every day of the week (and then some).

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While we’re on the subject of cold I decided this year to keep the garden birds fed over the winter, but this is proving to be quite difficult. The sparrows have been going absolutely bananas for the seeds and they have been getting through around two whole feeders’ worth a day. Unfortunately the greedy gits are going to have to wait till payday before I can get any more.

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Even though I haven’t been able to run again I did still increase my Body Magic last week with a walk around my favourite park, among other things. Although it was freezing (literally in places, including the lake) it was beautifully sunny until the very end of the walk.

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Since I haven’t had a weekend (I have a four-day one coming up though, phew), there’s not much to tell you about apart from weigh in yesterday.

I lost 4.5 pounds! 

For a very small moment of time I had the audacity to be disappointed with that, as normally when I’m back on plan after a blowout I can lose more. Then I reminded myself of how big my appetite was during the week and how I managed to eat quite frankly a huge quantity of food and still get that kind of loss. It’s a win.

Thankfully my appetite has now returned to normal, so I could get on with enjoying group and feeling positive. Unfortunately my usual consultant Amanda was poorly (boo) but on the plus side it meant our group was covered by the awesome Ryan (yay!)

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If there’s ever any doubt in your mind whether your consultant genuinely cares about your journey, then just look at what Amanda and Ryan (@amanda_sw_leighonsea and @southendslimmer on Instagram) did yesterday. Ryan was in Norwich but as soon as he found out he was needed he made the TWO HOUR journey to Essex, including 45 minutes stuck in traffic, to make sure our group still ran. Amanda, despite feeling really ill and despite the fact she isn’t local to our group, braved rush hour to meet up with the social team (also awesome) to hand over everything needed to make sure group could go ahead.

That’s what I call above and beyond.

Group was an especially inspirational one with people sharing really personal things about how far they’ve come and how differently they feel now. After struggling for the last couple of months having a full seven days on plan and seeing everyone yesterday has made me feel like I can do anything again.

Anything also includes having a decent sleep, so it’s off to bed for me before I begin my 8th shift in a row. On the plus side after tonight, I only have two more to go!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x