Where do I begin?

What’s this? I have time to blog? Truth be told, I’m going to have a lot more time from now on. That’s because I’ve made the really difficult and to be honest quite heart-wrenching decision to not be a Slimming World consultant after all.

I’ve been putting off writing this post, because although it’s occupied my thoughts constantly for days, I’ve been trying to avoid examining things too closely. Right now I’m feeling like a big huge failure with a capital F.

My main reason for wanting to become a consultant was sound. The people in my group needed a permanent consultant and they are truly lovely people, so I wanted them to have just that. I’m feeling a massive amount of guilt, because I know I’ve let all of those people down, especially the ones who have been helping me with promotion.

Guilt is probably the word of the day. I feel guilty for all of the extra work I’ve put on to other people – my manager will have to start again looking for another consultant whereas if she’d chosen anyone but me then there’d be someone ready to go this Monday. There’s all of the returning of my equipment to sort out and getting cover for the group in the meantime. I’ve wasted so much of everyone’s time. I hate myself for that.

My main reason for giving up at this stage is depression. Maybe, just maybe if I wasn’t feeling so bad then I’d be able to cope with everything. But what I really feel, deep down, is that it’s more likely I’m just not the person I thought (hoped?) I am or could be. I’m not strong. I can’t just knuckle down and get on with things. I’m a flake. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just can’t be anything but honest here. I feel quite pathetic right now.

I feel guilty for every single person who has a lot more to deal with than I do and copes with it. I feel guilty for every other consultant who manages to do it alongside a full time job. I feel guilty for every consultant who runs their groups alongside raising a family. If they can do it why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

I feel scared to death that this is all I’ll ever be. Will I just be in my little comfort zone forever, scared to leave? Is this all I’ve ever amount to? Ugh. I’m being dramatic!

So yeah, I’m not really a fan of myself right now. On top of it all I’m the heaviest I’ve been in a year because I’ve been comfort eating. Just lately food has been the only thing that has bought me any kind of enjoyment at all, but I’m so angry at myself for knowing how brief that enjoyment is and what it means for my future happiness (or lack thereof) and choosing to go down that road anyway.

Where do I go from here then? Well… backwards I think. Now I have spare time again I’m right back out there getting my exercise in. I do love going for walks, and I’ve realised that no matter where I end up in future then in order to be happy I must make sure I don’t consider having to sacrifice that again. It’s a deal-breaker. I can’t walk to work and back because it’s not safe in the dark on my own, so although it’s time consuming it must be done in my spare time.

Also I need to go back to my lowest weight. I’ve said it before but I was happy then. So back to last November I go, even though I’m further away from it than I was the last time I wrote about it.

Thankfully, although I feel like the world’s biggest pile of crap, at least I’ve realised what needs to happen before any more damage is done.

I must say I have had nothing but love and support from so many people at Slimming World. Although I don’t feel I deserve it, everyone without exception has been absolutely brilliant. When making my decision I had brief thoughts about not being able to show my face and having to give up as a member, or finding a group way out where no one would know what trouble I’d caused. That’s not the Slimming World way though, and I was really surprised to find that right from the members to the very top their values stay the same. To be a big company and keep that going through and through is quite an achievement.

Right now I feel like my foundations have been well and truly rocked and I have a lot of thinking to do about who I am and where to go from here, but just for now I’m just content to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

At least the view is nice.

Hayley x

By a Thread

Since I last posted I’ve been in a dark place. Me starting to feel a tiny bit better was then replaced by depression coming along and punching me right in the side of the head with all its strength – and I’m still reeling from the blow.

Notable achievements over the past week have been having a shower and being awake for a few hours in a row. The other day I even picked my post up from the floor. It sounds funny when I put it like that, but I’m not exaggerating. That was a big deal.

My ‘ordinary’ job has been quiet, which is lucky, so I have been going home early at every opportunity, though without pay. I know I can’t really afford it, and I feel guilty and scared about that, but also I know that being unconscious is the only thing that feels good at the moment and I’ll take any opportunity that will allow me to achieve that. What I dearly want from most from life right now is to be asleep. To be anything but feeling like this.

Oblivion please.

Eating well has gone out of the window and I skipped weigh-in on Tuesday partly because I genuinely didn’t have the energy and partly because I wasn’t in a fit state to interact with people, at least unless absolutely necessary. I wanted to go, but there’s only so much I can handle.

Somehow, on Monday night I managed to find the strength to make it to my own Slimming World group and deliver what seemed to be a perfectly acceptable new member talk. Huh. Although I suspected I had it in me, I didn’t think I’d be able to do it feeling like… this. But I did. Cool.

Let me try and explain what it’s like. I know things, logically – for instance I went out for a walk last Thursday and I knew that the cool breeze was lovely on my face, I knew that the sun was making everything look pretty, and that going for a walk is good for me. I knew it but I couldn’t feel it.

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I took a picture. See, pretty yes?

Afterwards I went for a really nice meal at a pub down the road. The food was super fancy but in a down-to-earth setting with no snooty staff. I had a chocolate bomb and the waitress came round with a teeny tiny saucepan full of sauce to pour over the top, melt the shell and reveal the delicious insides. It came with real flowers on top. I ate a flower. Normally that would have thrilled me, but not then. Damn.

Today a friend very kindly came out with me for moral support while I was putting up some posters for my Slimming World group. It went a lot better with company, and I am feeling more confident that I’ll find some hidden reserves in order to give my group the service they deserve when I launch on the 24th. They really do deserve it, they are special people.

In the meantime, after sobbing down the phone to the doctor’s receptionist my appointment has been moved from next Wednesday to this Saturday morning. I’m genuinely counting down the days. One more to to get through once tonight is over with.

I know I won’t feel better straight away, but I need to know that something is going to get better.

I was looking back at photos from last year and the end of November was the last time I can say I felt really, properly happy. I really want to get back to feeling like I was then, and looking like I was then, too. Blimey I felt skinny!

I might be hanging on by a thread right now, but the truth is I know deep down that it’s a deceptively strong thread. I will be back to how I felt in November sooner or later. It’s testament to how much I’ve changed though because although I slip (more often than not these days it seems) apparently gone are the days when I completely give up.

So if you’re not feeling tip top right now, just like me, then give yourself a pat on the back for still putting one foot in front of the other, even if it is a tiny step.

We’ll get there.

Hayley x