I think one of the reasons I’m so unhappy at the moment is because I stopped making progress, but that is all about to change. During the first half of the year almost finding myself in a relationship actually set me back a long way in terms of self esteem – I was plagued with feelings of inadequacy and it’s only now I’m starting to see how skewed my perceptions were.
If someone, whether intentionally or not, makes you feel that you are too fat to be worthy of them, then they are not the one. If you offer everything you have in terms of emotional support and encourage them in everything they do, but when you confess that you’re struggling a bit with your moods and you get the (abruptly delivered) response ‘everyone has ups and downs, THAT’S LIFE’ then they are not the one. If everything you say and do gets instantly dismissed then, guess what, they are not the one.
In my very last post I talked about how excited I was, and I went to work buzzing. I told Mr. S that I was feeling good and the response? ‘Is this one of your speeches where you say you’re going to be good on your diet then go back on it the next day?’
Practically overnight I’ve realised that I’m not getting treated properly not because I did anything wrong or I’m not good enough, but because the person in question just doesn’t really care about me that much. Not as much as I want or need them to, anyway. Maybe it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are. And that’s fine, but in that case I can’t be putting myself in that kind of environment.
My self esteem is on the up. I have realised that I make a damn good girlfriend. I’m extremely low maintenance. It’s easy to make me laugh, I like small, thoughtful gestures that don’t cost much (if anything), I don’t care about your status, your finances, whether you have a house or not, I just care if you’re kind and I want you to be happy. I would like you to wear a fresh pair of pants (Every. Single. Day.) but other than that I’m easy going.
If I had 10% back of the emotional support and understanding I give out then I’d be a very happy girl indeed, but as of yet I’ve been unable to find someone who fits that description. The important thing though? THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.
Things with Mr. S have been weird. I told him I just want to be friends, but I don’t think he took me seriously because nothing has really changed. This is partially my fault, because I have still been craving his affection. So when he has kissed me or held my hand, I’ve let it happen. But now I need to set boundaries.
It’s been an important learning curve though, because I have a much clearer idea of what I do and don’t want, and at some point in the near future I am going to be proactive and go out there and get it.
But right now I’m being selfish and focusing on ME. Healthy eating is now my number one priority, closely followed by fitness. This week I’m going to be ‘doing a Davey‘ and concentrating on walking, because this particular blogger sure has shown us all how incredibly beneficial it is to your health and wellbeing. I love running, but there’s no such thing as ‘just‘ walking to increase your fitness. It’s actually bloody magical!
Yesterday morning I had a stroll to the Co-op to pick up plant milk for my Healthy Extras, then I went over to Lidl for my veg. I did try soya milk from Lidl last week and it is absolutely vile. It tastes like aquafaba smells (that’s the juice from a tin of chickpeas), so although it is cheap I’ll be sticking to my more-than-three-times-the-price coconut milk from Co-op, thank-you-very-much.
By the evening I still hadn’t done quite enough Body Magic so before bed I went out for another walk up to the local church on the hill which is always rather pretty. Plus there was a deliciously cool breeze up there, and afterwards everything felt that little bit better.
Now I’m up from 6th of 4th on the Fitbit leaderboard. I’m climbing the ladder back up to 1st, slowly but surely!
As such after I’m finished here I’m off for another walk. And I’m very much looking forward to it.
My food has been excellent – a couple of days ago I had a delicious dinner of ‘mock duck’. It is quite expensive – I got mine from Holland and Barrett and I’m pretty sure it was over £2 for quite a small tin – but it’s worth it. However, please don’t be put off by the fact it looks like cat food. And perhaps a little too realistic once it’s out of the tin.
The important thing(s) though is that it’s Free on Slimming World, and with 2 Syns of hoisin sauce stirred in it’s absolutely lovely. I think you can eat the juice it’s in as it says on the tin ‘braised gluten in gravy’, but I tipped it down the sink. It sure doesn’t look like gravy to me…
Anyway, it looks a lot nicer once cooked, I think you’ll agree.
Right, it’s time to get on with my day now.
Thanks for reading,