Theft

Recovery isn’t always linear, I’m beginning to find. I read that at some point this year, and it helps me to remember it. After having a terrible experience, I’m getting better at recognising when things aren’t right with a potential romantic interest. Better, but far from perfect.

So, despite numerous red flags, I kept going with my most recent gentleman friend. I didn’t have any particular hopes for us before Christmas Eve, but when he ended up coming home with me I felt that something had changed, that there was something more. I’m not talking about the physical side of things, by the way, and I’m absolutely sure he felt it too.

Even speaking to him Boxing Day, things felt different. And then… nothing. I finally plucked up the courage to call yesterday morning, which is something I wouldn’t do with anyone else, but since this person is always losing/breaking phones, it’s more than possible he just wasn’t getting my messages.

Then when I called, he sounded genuinely pleased to hear from me. I suggested meeting up at some vague point before New Year’s Eve, but then he invited me out that very night. He said he’d message me to confirm the details, but… nothing. I’ve heard nothing since.

It may seem like a minor thing, but it isn’t the first time it’s happened. If I stuck around, I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last. What I want from a relationship (amongst other things) is stability and consistency, and he can’t offer either of these, for whatever reason.

Whether he can’t or he won’t, it’s all the same. It’ll just be even more painful to carry on down this road. Therefore that’s it, I really am done with this one, and I’m glad I’m drawing a line and not carrying this situation into next year. I had a little cry last night, remembered to give myself a pat on the back for only letting this go on for a couple of weeks instead of over a year like the last one, and got myself out for weigh in this morning.

Thankfully, I’ve somehow managed to stay the same since my last weigh in, though I can’t actually remember when that was. Yay for Christmas miracles!

After getting weighed, I then went out leafleting for my consultant. I went yesterday too, figuring that it would be good in several different ways. I get to do some exercise, I help my friend promote her business, and it boosts my commitment to my Slimming World group.

Both times we went out were eventful. In case you don’t know, when posting leaflets it’s a good idea to take a wooden spoon with you, to help you poke the leaflet through the letterbox.

For me, mainly this helps stop your hands from getting sore, because some letterboxes really are more hazardous than you might expect, but it’s also in case your fingers get bitten by a dog.

I didn’t think this would ever really happen, but then the very first time I posted a leaflet through a door yesterday, a humongous-sounding beast grabbed the leaflet and the spoon right out of my hand. I tried to hold on, but it was too damn strong!

Feeling utterly bemused, I rang the doorbell to ask for the spoon back, but no one was home. Some very confused dog owner is probably even now wondering why someone posted a wooden spoon to them. I for one am just glad it’s not my fingers they found on their doormat.

Then today we split into two groups and I went off with a lovely lady with blue hair. In the first street, she had a fall and couldn’t carry on. Although she wouldn’t admit it to begin with and I did have to practically force her to go home rather than trying to continue. Hopefully nothing is broken!

Since coming home I’ve been planning how I’m going to smash my weight loss goals, which is now absolutely essential since I have broken my very favourite item of clothing.

This is an unmitigated disaster. I have other cold-weather items but nothing compares to these babies, and my tummy has gone and burst through the zip! They are £90 to buy new, so although a lovely work friend has donated her pair to me, I’ll be getting these ones repaired at some point.

I also can’t risk wearing the new pair yet, in case I break those too. So yeah, I’m getting serious about this now.

I’m using Slimming World’s own 12 week journal to keep me on track, using my favourite ever picture of me as inspiration. That photo was also taken on the day I last felt genuinely OK.

It was taken in May, at the Swingamajig festival. I felt so good – slim, confident, excited about the future… I just felt like myself. Then everything came crashing down.

I already have tickets for Swingamajig 2020, which takes place on the 8th of May. By then I aim to be back on that good place or, scratch that, even better. For the first time in a long time I really believe that will happen.

I’m just going to take it one day at a time, and congratulate myself for every day that I stay on plan. If I don’t achieve anything else, at the end of the day I can say to myself ‘I did a positive thing, just for me, and I’m proud of myself for doing it’. If nothing else, at least I’ll have that.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Of Course I Can

Little doubts have been creeping in lately, which is probably down to not getting enough rest more than anything else. I have been planning my homemade Christmas presents since September and made a small start on the first one at the time, but as I was making it I started thinking that it would be rubbish and I lost heart.

It took me until yesterday to really get going with it, and once it all started to come together I began to enjoy myself. I finished it yesterday afternoon, and I’m really happy with how it turned out. I now have the motivation to start the next one and finish it by the end of the week, because I’m very much running out of time now.

I can’t share any pictures until after Christmas day, so you’ll just have to wait to see what I’ve been up to.

After yesterday’s post I had a bit of a defeatist attitude. I started to wonder how I’m going to get away without a massive gain over the festive period, and I spent the first few hours of my shift mulling things over in my mind.

A blog post and a good think can work wonders though, and by 1am something clicked. Of course I can still make progress this month! I sat and worked it out – I am away with Steve on the 1st and 2nd of January and food will largely be out of my control, but between now and then it’s possible for me to be completely on plan at least 21 days out of 29.

Furthermore, not all of those off-plan days will be complete write-offs. Often I’ll still be able to make good choices. If I stay away from bread (and believe me I will) then I should manage to avoid a downward spiral.

After my little moment last night I decided to try to avoid feeling bloated on Saturday, mainly because I’m wearing my favourite dress and want to feel comfortable in it. The plan for the next three days is to be perfectly on plan, eat loads of speed food, meal prep, and drink loads of bloody water.

Once I’d decided on my plan of action I went straight to the water fountain to fill up my water bottle, and I haven’t really stopped peeing since. It must be done though – as soon as I touch bread I bloat like crazy and I want to be feeling slinky for the weekend. I’m glad I got my act together before it was too late to do anything.

Now it’s December I have been going all-out with the Christmassy stuff. As promised here are some pictures from family craft day, with the prize for best bauble obviously going to my sister for her ‘rabbit in a jumper’. It’s not fair though, she is an art teacher and she does have a degree in illustration.

Although the main tree isn’t up yet (we don’t need to rush these things) the desk tree is now in its place.

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Pea has been in a bit of a weird mood lately and I was worried that once it was up she wouldn’t want to come out to play. But since it’s been there she’s actually been exceptionally happy. Maybe she likes Christmas as much as I do.

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Unfortunately it seems that no-one else at work is quite on the same page as me as I’m the only one wearing a Christmas hat (so far) and I’ll be interested to see if anyone else is going to partake in ‘dress like an elf day’, which is this Friday. I’m going all out, and I don’t care who joins me. Don’t worry, pictures will follow…

The Friday after is ‘Christmas clothing day’, and the Monday after that is my Slimming World group’s Christmas party. I have an excellent outfit planned for that one. I can’t wait to show you.

So it’s all looking positive again. I damn well got this!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x