It’ll Pass

Whilst I’ve welcomed the return of the sun this week, at the same time I’ve been unable to really appreciate it. This is because I feel sad. Really. Frickin. Sad. And a little bit lost. OK, a lot lost.

I think I know what the problem is. Although my new status of being single is right, it doesn’t make it easy. Aside from anything else, my life (which was way too filled up with things to do) is now a little bit empty. feel empty. There are tons of things I have been itching to get cracking with, until now that is.

I’ve been desperate for the time to concentrate on my photography, my health, or my embroidery, or painting (or take my pick of a thousand other things) but now I have the time, I don’t have the slightest inclination to actually do it. Any of it.

Damn.

On top of it all my eating has been atrocious. I’ve been eating when I’m not hungry, and the thought of savoury food makes my stomach turn over. I just want sugar, sugar and more sugar. I also don’t want to move from my bed, not just because I don’t want to face the world (I really don’t) but also because I’m just so gosh darn tired again.

Despite all this I have managed a couple of days on plan this week, and I have forced myself to get outside. I walked through the park into town, where I finally picked up a swimming costume I’m completely satisfied with.

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Although it’s super unflattering, I’m still really pleased with this purchase because it holds everything in where it should and nothing falls out of any gaps. That was all I ever really wanted from my costume.

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I think it says I mean business. Since we’re approaching the beginning of April I wanted to set down some goals for the month. I’m going to lose some weight, search out my mojo, and definitely, definitely, go swimming.

Speaking of costumes, I’ve also agreed to dress up as Mary Poppins for an Easter Egg hunt at the end of April. It’s to raise money for a school in the village where Steve’s mum and brother live, and there are several reasons why I said I’d do it.

Number one, I really love the film. Two, I’ve never been to a fancy dress party despite the fact I’ve always wanted to dress up. Three, it’s for a good cause. My sister is a teacher and I know how hard it is for schools to manage on government funding alone. Well, it’s not really possible. Four, it’s completely out of my comfort zone and I think it’ll be good for me.

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I’m not quite satisfied with the basic costume though, so I’m going to add a few bits and bobs to it. I’ll keep you updated! Perhaps when I’m happy with the costume I can get rid of my stern face.

This morning my sister came over and we went for a walk in the woods. Again I wasn’t really feeling it, but it did us both good I think. Plus she’s an excellent listener and also offers good advice.

She also sneakily took a picture of me and added it to her Instagram story. When I saw it I was pleasantly surprised that I don’t look like I’ve gained 8 stone overnight, which is how I was feeling.

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We fed the ducks and geese, saw the first bluebells of the season, and had some fancy apple juice. Maybe things aren’t so bad.

Another positive is that because of daylight savings I only have a 7 hour shift tonight. Oh, and I have a nice busy day planned tomorrow which will hopefully perk me up a bit. After tomorrow I’m going to work hard and…

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Check out my 8 week food diary from the White Triangle Co. It was a bit pricey, but I wanted it, I had the money, so I got it. Watcha gonna do?

Right, I have to get ready for work now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

A New Chapter

Now that the thing I had hanging over my head has been resolved, I can be a tiny bit more open in my blog (without airing my dirty laundry in public of course).

I am once more a singleton, and whilst this is OK it has affected my eating in more ways than one. Even if you know it’s absolutely the right thing to do for everyone involved, ending a relationship is scary, and it hurts. The feeling scared part had me reaching for the bad foods, that’s for sure.

It’s not just that though. Once I’d made the decision and I realised I wasn’t morally obliged (although I never really was, these are obligations I totally put on myself) to tell a partner my results after going to group, I had a bit of a free-for-all. Hence last week’s 5.5 lb gain.

This week I had a bit of anxiety leading up the telling-the-other-person part, which again saw some bad food choices, but not as bad as the week before. I had a 1 lb gain this week which is about right. I knew what I was doing and I’m cool with it.

Whilst I’m feeling super-duper positive about the next chapter in my life, there’s still a little foreword to get out of the way before I really begin. I’m going to the pub with a friend on Thursday, then I’m out with the youngsters from work Sunday night. This is not conducive to a good result on the scales!

I could play it a few ways. I could go to the pub and drink diet coke, and do the same on Sunday. I could say ‘to hell with it’ again and have another mahoosive gain. I’ve thought about it and have decided to do something in between.

My main strategy is to be ‘on plan whenever I can’, so rather than thinking ‘I’m going to be naughty Thursday so I might as well not bother now’, I will make sure that today, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday are perfect days. Although Slimming World do not recommend it, I’m also going to be setting aside a few syns.

As for Thursday and Sunday, they are going to be gin-and-slimline-tonic kinda days, rather than the high-syn red wines I’m normally drawn to. Damage limitation is not my strong point, but I’ll never stop trying anyway.

The Sunday after will be a similar situation, then it’s a clear run till Swingamajig.

Anyway, onwards and downwards.

The week before last I went to Warley Place, which is run by the Essex Wildlife Trust. There was a chap there trying to sign people up to be members, but he was really pushy. I also didn’t have a huge amount of time and could see that he wanted me to fill out forms and things. I said I’d think about it and do it online later if I decided I wanted to go ahead.

‘I’d rather you didn’t,’ was his curt reply. Hmm, that got my back up.

I went on my walk and on the way out he said ‘if you just come over here I’ll finish your application’… Er, no way. You just lost yourself a sale mate!

Pushy people who have no idea how to speak to members of the public aside, the Wildlife Trust do loads of good work so last week I went ahead and registered online. I got a voucher through the post to exchange for a guide to all of their sites in Essex.

I did that today at the visitor’s centre at the nature reserve just down the road, since I was planning to go for a walk there anyway.

As it happens my walk was sublime. There was absolutely no one else around and it was so peaceful. All I could hear were the scurrying of squirrels, a woodpecker pecking, robins singing… it was just the best.

At the visitor’s centre there are some beautiful gardens but they’re looking a bit sparse right now. There were loads of volunteers out working on them though so I don’t imagine it’ll be long before there’s colour everywhere.

The best bit though was walking back and finding a bumper collections of mushrooms.

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Nope, not these ones. Though they are pretty cool.

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Look even closer…

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And even closer…

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That last one was in a dark crevice right at the back. An honourable mention must also be given to the fungus that looks like a poo.

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After seeing a jay, several green woodpeckers, blackbirds, tits of all kinds, pied wagtails, robins and a sweet little wren, I can safely say it has been a most productive day! My plan now is to visit every single site in my guide. Who knows what other treasures I might find?

I’ll keep you posted.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

 

The First

Yesterday was fantastic, and just what I needed to give me the motivation for yet another fresh start. I wasn’t on plan, but I just had the nicest and most relaxing day I’ve had in a long, long time.

I started off the day by getting creative. One of my bestest friends announced on Saturday that he’d proposed to his girlfriend (a truly lovely lady) and that she’d said YES. So I experimented with my watercolours and knocked them up a nice engagement card.

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I am so happy with how it turned out. I did a little five minute sketch of my sister’s bird, Petrie, being a borb (a round bird) and made a cover for a journal I’m working on. I’m trying not to be too precious about anything and just do it purely for enjoyment. It worked – I was having a great time.

In the evening Steve and I went to the cinema together for the first time ever, to see Stan & Ollie, and it was one of those rare occasions where I’ve seen a film and not had a single criticism. To top it all off, when I got home I had an early night and slept for a magnificent eleven-and-a-half hours. I needed that so badly.

I’ve decided that the last two weeks don’t count and that today (the 14th) is my official start of the year. So happy new year to me!

In the spirit of openness I will tell you that over the last two weeks (I last weighed in New Year’s Eve) I have gained 5 lbs. It’s half as bad as I thought it would be actually.

What came before doesn’t matter though, what matters is what I do now.

This morning training officially restarted with a run, and again it went better than I expected. The first two miles were a similar pace to what I was doing before my knee went wrong which was a nice surprise, and I only had to stop because my upper thighs were protesting. I probably could have pushed myself harder but I wanted to avoid an injury on my very first run of the year.

The next two miles were very slow indeed, but only because I had company.

A Labrador joined me on my walk, and whereas usually an owner turns up eventually this one was apparently owner-less. I waited around for a bit and soon saw a lady with three dogs who was not the owner. She was very snippy with me for not having ‘my dog’ on a lead, because she couldn’t control her largest dog which was, ahem, not on a lead. I didn’t press the issue though and took my new friend back in the direction he came from.

I kept him with me for a while but all of sudden he just bolted and there was nothing I could do to hold on to him. I don’t think he’s fully grown yet but wow, he was strong! It turns out with his super-duper dog hearing he heard something I didn’t – his owner calling him.

I soon learned that he’s a rescue dog named Barney, whose favourite pastime is running away when his owner’s children leave the garden gate open. He was so friendly, but his owner told me he will make a run for it at every opportunity. I wished them both good luck and continued my walk, making the most of the slower pace by taking a few snaps and getting proof that there was a tiny bit of blue sky, even if it didn’t last.

This evening I had group with my lovely Slimming World buddies. Me being me I totally forgot that January is a busy time in group so it was a nice surprise to see so many people there. I left with a 12-week journal in hand and tons of motivation for the week ahead.

I’m ending this weekend feeling like I’m finally getting somewhere. It’s going to be a good week people, I can feel it.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Worse then Better

Do you know what? I’ve really been struggling over the last week. My anxiety has been playing up a bit, even though I went to the doctors the week before last to talk about coming off my medication. I was feeling so much better up until now. My doctor has reduced the dose, and I’m going to stick with it because life is always going to get in the way, and I still feel like I can handle it.

If it weren’t for the fact that my concentration is seriously suffering these days, which I think is a side effect from the anti-depressants (along with a few others that I’d like to get rid of), then I would be quite happy to just keep taking them. But something’s amiss and if I can find ways to cope without them, that’s what I’d rather do. Plus I’ll save myself £9 or whatever it is on my prescription!

Up until last week I’ve barely had any time for myself, so since the end of November I’ve done hardly any exercise at all. I’m not exaggerating – it’s not a case of ‘well I could squeeze in a workout if I tried…’  Every spare second I had went to preparing food or trying to sleep.

This week my routine, especially regarding Steve, has changed due to changes in living arrangements and work commitments. Although I’m seeing less of him and of course I really miss him, I was planning to use the time to catch up on sleep.

It didn’t work out.

For one I was incredibly stupid and spent my entire weekend cleaning and sorting without taking a break, then when I had time to sleep, I found I couldn’t. Typical.

I started to feel a little bit overwhelmed with everything until yesterday when finally something clicked. Lately my number one priority has been energy conservation. I’ve put off getting back into exercise because I thought it was best to rest, which sounds good in theory, but in reality it has the opposite effect. The less I do, the worse I sleep, the hungrier I get, the more depressed I feel…

The frustrating thing is I know all this, but I kind of got swept up in everything. It happens after all.

So today I forced myself to get out of bed (rather than laying awake feeling increasingly frustrated at the fact I’m not sleeping) and walked into town and back. I took some oats with me with the intention of feeding the huge flock of geese that normally hang out in the park, but on this occasion they were absent.

The lake was recently dredged and a body found after a poor chap went missing over Christmas, so I suppose that might have scared them off for now. The swans were in residence though, and they did not seem to mind getting the pick of the oats.

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It felt really good to get out, and now I’m feeling the right kind of tired, if that makes sense. I’ll be off to bed shortly for a nice long sleep before work. Heaven!

I haven’t been eating right for the most of the year so far, so fueling my body properly is also a huge priority. Hopefully the exercise will help with my cravings and there will be no more slip ups. That’s the plan anyway.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x