Go Get It!

I’m up again, I’m really up! Hopefully this isn’t a temporary high and I can keep this feeling for a while. I think I can. It’s day three of being back on plan and I’m feeling strong – saying NO to my friend and putting my foot down has strengthened my resolve no end.

Yesterday I ate plenty of decent food and didn’t feel deprived even once.

Today I’m excited about everything. I got up early and after a breakfast of wheat biscuits and coconut drink (my A and B choices on Slimming World) I walked to the local shopping centre to do various bits and bobs that needed doing.

When I got home I was famished so I cooked a proper lunch. Here we have sweet potato chips (oven cooked in Fry Light), broccoli and Fry’s Family Foods chicken style burgers. They may not be your cup of tea if you don’t like to be reminded of junk food, but if you do want a little bit of that taste then these burgers taste super naughty. They are 2 syns each, which I learned off by heart some time ago. I couldn’t believe they were that low in syns from the way they taste, so I re-checked the values over and over.

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Even today, I have checked Syns Online about five times just to make sure! I enjoyed my lunch so much that I had them again for dinner.

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If you fancy trying them, they sell them in Holland & Barrett and Ocado. They’re not the cheapest, but they have the holy trinity of being vegan, tasty and low syn! Oh and as a bonus they cook really quickly too.

More excitement comes from a revelation I only just had – I COMPLETELY forgot about step aerobics. It’s low impact so I can strengthen my leg muscles without damaging my knee, plus I really, really enjoy it! I haven’t done it for ages, but I still don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until now. I literally facepalmed when I remembered. I already have a step, there are thousands of free videos on YouTube and luckily we’ve recently rearranged the living room so there’s plenty of space for me to get right into it.

Perfect.

This afternoon I got some flowers from a friend for helping out his friend who is going through a real rough patch at the moment. He had an appointment to speak to a therapist online, but being 75 and partially sighted him trying to do this on a tablet or phone is just downright ridiculous. So I did the typing for him and asked for someone to actually call next time. I mean, who thought that would be a good idea? Help for people with mental illnesses is so seriously lacking, it makes me wonder what he would have done if he didn’t have people around to help him.

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Thankfully that’s one thing he doesn’t have to worry about.

Finally, the last thing I’m excited about is joining a new Slimming World group. I got my voucher through the post today and will be popping along to a group on Monday evening. I actually can’t wait. I know what I want, and I’m going to go get it!

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Before then I’m having a BBQ on Saturday (Slimming World-style) and going out walking somewhere with my brother on Sunday.

There is much to look forward to!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Happiness

I messed up, and I messed up bad. My moods have been up and down like a yo-yo, and for the last two days I have eaten so much I’m quite sure I’ve done a huge amount of damage. I thought about waiting till I lost some weight before posting again because to be honest I’m feeling pretty ashamed, but I’d be doing everyone involved a disservice if I wasn’t open about it on here.

The problem is, I’m desperately unhappy right now, and I find it next to impossible to stick to plan when I feel like that.

Before I started to lose weight properly, coming up to two years ago, I made changes to my life so that I could be happy. Or at least have a nice enough life so that when I wasn’t happy (you can’t be happy all the time) I was at least not feeling terrible.

Now that has all flipped on its head, because I’m allowing outside influences to mess with my head. It’s got to stop, and it’s got to stop NOW. If I’m going to succeed (and I will) I need to get back to my old mindset.

I was doing so well when Mr. S came into my life, and at the time I thought it was him keeping me on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t, it’s just that I was so happy I was keeping myself on the straight and narrow. Now he’s actively making me sad, and if I’m honest he seems to be enjoying it. This is happening at work, so I’ve told him we need to talk. I will not allow it to continue. God knows when I’ll get the chance though because getting him alone has been next to impossible. In the meantime I just have to keep my cool and try not to give the situation too much headspace.

As ever, after a couple of days of struggling I’m formulating a plan.

As soon as I woke up today I got online and transferred my Slimming World membership to group. I’m finding that my support network is not quite doing the job and I’m in need of people in my real life (as opposed to just my internet life) who understand that the only way to succeed is through kindness and understanding. I need to be around people who don’t call me a ‘f*cking idiot’ when I slip.

I didn’t have much luck with my Tuesday group last time, and it was just before work so it didn’t really suit me in that way either. But I’ve found a Monday evening group (I have Mondays off) that might just work out. It means I’ll have to drive which is not ideal, especially as my car is currently sounding like it’s on death’s door (please don’t let it me the head gasket…) but I can’t put if off because of that. If I have trouble with transport I can always weigh in at a local group for the time being.

The thing that really puts me off is that it’s at 7.30pm so I’ll have to eat before I go, but I need to get a grip. If I’m eating a sensible meal before every weigh in then the losses will show. It’ll also be a novel experience to sit through group without my tummy growling!

At work I have volunteered to do the more physical job for three of my shifts next week. The only reason I won’t be doing the whole week is because I’m needed on my own department towards the weekend, otherwise I would have done the lot.

I’m still a little worried about my knee, so I won’t push the running thing if I don’t feel up to it but will still keep active. To be honest it’s probably better that I drop a few pounds before going back to it so that there’s not so much pressure on my joints. It sucks, because I know a run would make me feel so much better! When I’m done here I’m going to get on the exercise bike, at least long enough to get some endorphins pumping through my bloodstream.

In the meantime I need to focus on the little things, and try to take something positive away from each day. Yesterday it was going out for a little walk up to Hadleigh Castle. It was a beautiful day and there was such a lovely breeze up there.

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I’m going to try to post about a nice little thing every day, because I WILL find my happy place. I did it once and I can do it again.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Excitement

Well today I just haven’t been able to settle. I mean, it’s so exciting isn’t it? Oh, you thought I was talking about this ‘football’ that people seem so interested in right now? Nope, today all I’ve been able to think about is a big old plate of fried red onions.

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Weird? Me? You bet.

I haven’t had fried onions in about a year and all of a sudden I had a hankering for them. There are four large onions condensed into that pile, but considering there aren’t going to be many people at work tonight then I shouldn’t have to worry too much about any possible… after effects.

In all seriousness though, I’ve found it so, so hard to stay on plan today. I had my A+B choices as soon as I got in from work and was still hungry when I woke up. I had a big lunch and was still hungry. Thankfully dinner seems to have finally satisfied me, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve eaten too much today.

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That’s what Free Food is there for though, and it’s not like I’ve just been eating for the sake of it. It’s just that when I’m freshly back on plan I always feel extra guilty. Which is silly, because the Slimming World plan is so focussed on letting go of that guilt. I’ll keep on trying though.

The important thing is that I didn’t crack, and it’s the first time I’ve had such a strong urge and have been able to control it in longer than I can remember. A pat on the back for Hayley!

Last night at work was unexpectedly motivating. My manager, who was outwardly supportive and positive about my journey from the beginning said he honestly expected me to last about six months before I put the weight back on. I’m so incredibly grateful he kept those negative thoughts to himself though because they could have been really damaging at the time.

He confessed that he can’t remember what I used to look like, which makes me very happy indeed. However I am taking in a picture tonight to remind him, because that’s always fun to do. It’s good for me to remind myself too. If you feel like deleting all the photos of the ‘old you’ and erasing that part of your history, then PLEASE DON’T!

For one you could be wiping records of so many precious memories, even if they might be tinged with pain, but also it’s so useful to look back and see how far you’ve come. It’s how I’m able to look at this picture of me, taken a few minutes ago with pride.

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Hair isn’t done, no make-up, spotty face, messy room… It doesn’t matter. This Hayley is still so much happier than this one:

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And I put on another two stone after that picture was taken! Look at her, crammed into a camping chair that was threatening to collapse under the weight, bloated, struggling to breathe her jeans were so tight… I need to see pictures like this. I need to look at it and not be able to recognise myself, and to know in my heart of hearts that I won’t go back there.

And THAT is why I ate four red onions for dinner, instead of four peanut butter and jam sandwiches.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Making Progress

I think one of the reasons I’m so unhappy at the moment is because I stopped making progress, but that is all about to change. During the first half of the year almost finding myself in a relationship actually set me back a long way in terms of self esteem – I was plagued with feelings of inadequacy and it’s only now I’m starting to see how skewed my perceptions were.

If someone, whether intentionally or not, makes you feel that you are too fat to be worthy of them, then they are not the one. If you offer everything you have in terms of emotional support and encourage them in everything they do, but when you confess that you’re struggling a bit with your moods and you get the (abruptly delivered) response ‘everyone has ups and downs, THAT’S LIFE’ then they are not the one. If everything you say and do gets instantly dismissed then, guess what, they are not the one.

In my very last post I talked about how excited I was, and I went to work buzzing. I told Mr. S that I was feeling good and the response? ‘Is this one of your speeches where you say you’re going to be good on your diet then go back on it the next day?’

Practically overnight I’ve realised that I’m not getting treated properly not because I did anything wrong or I’m not good enough, but because the person in question just doesn’t really care about me that much. Not as much as I want or need them to, anyway. Maybe it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are. And that’s fine, but in that case I can’t be putting myself in that kind of environment.

My self esteem is on the up. I have realised that I make a damn good girlfriend. I’m extremely low maintenance. It’s easy to make me laugh, I like small, thoughtful gestures that don’t cost much (if anything), I don’t care about your status, your finances, whether you have a house or not, I just care if you’re kind and I want you to be happy. I would like you to wear a fresh pair of pants (Every. Single. Day.) but other than that I’m easy going.

If I had 10% back of the emotional support and understanding I give out then I’d be a very happy girl indeed, but as of yet I’ve been unable to find someone who fits that description. The important thing though? THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Things with Mr. S have been weird. I told him I just want to be friends, but I don’t think he took me seriously because nothing has really changed. This is partially my fault, because I have still been craving his affection. So when he has kissed me or held my hand, I’ve let it happen. But now I need to set boundaries.

It’s been an important learning curve though, because I have a much clearer idea of what I do and don’t want, and at some point in the near future I am going to be proactive and go out there and get it.

But right now I’m being selfish and focusing on ME. Healthy eating is now my number one priority, closely followed by fitness. This week I’m going to be ‘doing a Davey‘ and concentrating on walking, because this particular blogger sure has shown us all how incredibly beneficial it is to your health and wellbeing. I love running, but there’s no such thing as ‘just‘ walking to increase your fitness. It’s actually bloody magical!

Yesterday morning I had a stroll to the Co-op to pick up plant milk for my Healthy Extras, then I went over to Lidl for my veg. I did try soya milk from Lidl last week and it is absolutely vile. It tastes like aquafaba smells (that’s the juice from a tin of chickpeas), so although it is cheap I’ll be sticking to my more-than-three-times-the-price coconut milk from Co-op, thank-you-very-much.

By the evening I still hadn’t done quite enough Body Magic so before bed I went out for another walk up to the local church on the hill which is always rather pretty. Plus there was a deliciously cool breeze up there, and afterwards everything felt that little bit better.

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Now I’m up from 6th of 4th on the Fitbit leaderboard. I’m climbing the ladder back up to 1st, slowly but surely!

As such after I’m finished here I’m off for another walk. And I’m very much looking forward to it.

My food has been excellent – a couple of days ago I had a delicious dinner of ‘mock duck’. It is quite expensive – I got mine from Holland and Barrett and I’m pretty sure it was over £2 for quite a small tin – but it’s worth it. However, please don’t be put off by the fact it looks like cat food. And perhaps a little too realistic once it’s out of the tin.

The important thing(s) though is that it’s Free on Slimming World, and with 2 Syns of hoisin sauce stirred in it’s absolutely lovely. I think you can eat the juice it’s in as it says on the tin ‘braised gluten in gravy’, but I tipped it down the sink. It sure doesn’t look like gravy to me…

Anyway, it looks a lot nicer once cooked, I think you’ll agree.

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Right, it’s time to get on with my day now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Positive Pants ON

Wellllllll, I still didn’t get back on plan today. I couldn’t eat at all in the morning because I was so anxious. I went to see Mr. S for lunch, and I told him that I just want to be friends. He seemed quite sad about that (I am too, because I really do love him) and he said he’s not ready for a relationship. Which is fine, but in that case we need to stop acting exactly like we’re in a relationship. Mr. S has not been intentionally leading me on, he’s not that kind of guy. But the fact remains it’s too confusing for me to be stuck in this middle ground where I’m never quite sure where I stand. Or I think I know, then the next minute I’m devastatingly reminded that I was totally wrong – I can’t handle all of those ups and downs. I’m not looking for anyone else, so if in the future Mr. S is ready, then who knows what might happen. In the meantime, it’s just me, myself and I from now on.

We went to Aldi to pick up some lunch bits after this rather depressing conversation, and since I was now feeling both ravenous and rather queasy I just grabbed what I fancied. I had chocolate, hummus, pitta, olives and sundried tomatoes. Not the worst things in the world, but certainly not on plan.

I’m feeling really low to be honest, because despite some ups and downs (the ‘does he like me, doesn’t he like me’ saga that we went through for months because he kept giving me mixed signals) Mr. S has been my shining happy thought. Now my happy thought has gone, and I can’t remember how to feel OK without it.

However, my positive pants are now on, have been pulled ALL THE WAY UP, and I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other until I get back into the swing of things.

I’m back at work tonight and have already prepared my lunch of broccoli, kale and Tofoo smoked tofu, which is one of my Slimming World essentials. I love it and it’s FREE! Well, it’s a Free Food on Slimming World I should say, in actual fact it’s rather pricey (but totally worth it).

acs_0126In other news, which is most pleasantly surprising, Slimming World have updated Syns Online to include the Oumph range. I’m so happy about this, because when I’m on plan I don’t like eating stuff unless I know exactly what the Syns are. My favourite of the range is 2 Syns per 70g serving.

It goes to show that it’s best to wait for an official value, even though Slimming World advised me to use the calculator in the meantime. I would have ended up going way over, because through the calculator it comes up as about 2 syns for the entire 280g pack. This especially riles me up as the Linda McCartney roast that came out over Christmas was never, ever added at all despite me trying for months to get them to look into it. Oh well, at least they’ve pulled their fingers out this time.

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I’m feeling a lot better about my knee situation, too. I’ve ordered some proper vegan trail-running shoes (I’ll talk more about those once I’ve tried them out) plus I now have a knee support and some Ibuprofen gel that have been working wonders. I’m probably not going to train tomorrow even though I’m itching to get out there, but I feel like I could run on it now. It’s probably wise to rest up a bit more though. I must be sensible about this!

So there we have it. On to a new chapter for me. I’m going to make sure it’s a good one.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Trapped

I made a decision today, one that I’ll talk about in a future post. I know it’s infuriating to drop little hints, but it really wouldn’t be right of me to talk about the thing before I’ve done the thing.

It’s something that needs to be done, because I can feel that history is about to repeat itself, but I sure don’t want to do it. If I had to describe how I feel right now I guess it would be… heartbroken. That sounds really melodramatic, but there it is.

I feel trapped inside my own head at the moment, because I need to deal with the emotions but they are so strong, and I don’t really know how to. Mr. S let me down for training today last minute and I knew I had to move, so that’s what I did.

I was already good to go because I thought I’d be running, so I got on my walking boots and headed for the train station. I’ve been meaning to go to London for vegan kebabs and to visit St James’s Park again for ages, so it’s no wonder that’s the first thing that popped into my head.

Although my brain has been in a turmoil everything just seemed to go right. Without any kind of planning I arrived at the station just minutes before the train to London was leaving. Perfect!

I used the journey to plan the rest of the day. I didn’t much fancy heading into Shoreditch, so I decided to visit the brand new actual restaurant that What the Pitta have opened in Camden. I got the tube there, and was surprised to see that it was fairly quiet. But then I suppose most of their business is late-night and weekends.

I received the most friendly service, and as ever the vegan kebab was delicious. I had half a mind to go to Crosstown Donuts later in the day, but I always forget how filling the kebabs are. It’s nearly 8pm and I’m still not hungry! I suppose it might have something to do with all those chips…

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So yeah… the being back on plan thing isn’t working out so well. I’m allowing myself a little pity party today (I’ve already been to the shops for ice cream) then I really, really am going to focus on my eating.

What isn’t helping my state of mind is that my knee is really painful today and I think I need to lay off the training until it feels better. Plus I should probably also speak to a doctor, even though I don’t want to.

If I’m not training then my eating needs to be spot on. I’m not sure how I’m going to cope with it mentally though, running has become something of a lifeline. But I’ll figure it out somehow.

Anyway, despite my knee being dodgy I still walked from Camden to St James’s Park, which took over an hour. It wouldn’t have taken that long but I did stop and mooch around a few shops on my way. The only reason I didn’t buy these bad boys is that I’m already trying to declutter and I didn’t think they would help matters.

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So stylish though!

St James’s Park is always good for the soul, because I love pigeons, and it seems that pigeons love me. At least, they love the almonds that I bring them. I definitely made some new friends!

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Just call me the pigeon whisperer! I also got a few shots on my Sony camera, which isn’t my best quality camera, but still does a better job than my phone.

Until one decided to perch on it, that is…

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Despite being on my own I was laughing like a mad person, and I managed to amuse a little toddler, several Germans and a Chinese couple. Despite everything, it’s been a very successful day!

Miraculously I didn’t get pooped on, so after paying 20p for a tinkle I decided to head home. I didn’t much fancy being on the tube during rush hour, or any time for that matter. So a decided to walk to Fenchurch Street which again took about an hour, because the streets were busy too.

When I arrived at the station for the third time that day my train was ready and waiting for me. I got a nice seat, and also managed to get myself on a fast train where mine was the first stop. Again, perfect!

I’m feeling much better after traipsing the streets of London and getting everything straight in my head.

Everything will be fine, but I’ll give you more details when I can. In the meantime, the next time you hear from me I’ll be on that wagon.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Trouble in Paradise

As I start to write it’s nearing midnight, and I’m feeling sad and anxious. I’ve not been feeling great for a couple of days, which I put down to those hormonal fluctuations that I seem to spend so much time going on about. I’ve just been riding the wave though.

Tonight though I’m feeling extra bad, what with one thing and another. I haven’t felt this bad since I was with my ex, and it’s obviously not an enjoyable experience. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings back then, and it turns out I still don’t know what to do with them. I haven’t learned much in those few years it seems. Or have I?

I need to turn these negative feelings into positive actions. It’s just a shame it’s extra hard because of the day I’ve had.

On the one hand it’s been nice. It’s my mum’s 60th birthday next week and we had a birthday tea party for her this afternoon. I had intended to stay entirely on plan and not partake in any of the baked goods, but my sister had gone to such an effort making almost everything vegan that I felt obliged to join it. Guilt if I do eat food, guilt if  I don’t.

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At the very least it was all very beautiful (and utterly delicious).

I decided to weigh myself beforehand, thinking that since I’ve had a perfect week so far something is bound to have come off. But nope, not the case. Sigh. In fact half a pound has gone on.

I didn’t go mad with the food (which was lovely by the way) so I shouldn’t feel too bad about it, but compounded with everything else I’m just feeling awful. And filled with doubt yet again. I feel like I could handle anything if I could at least see something happening with the weight loss this week. The scales just don’t always oblige in that way though, do they?

Positives though! There are a few things I can concentrate on next week to see if I can get those numbers moving in the right direction.

  • I have been going a bit mad with potatoes so perhaps that has held up my losses. I went shopping yesterday and have a fridge full of Speed Foods so let’s see if changing that up affects the scales. Maybe I’ll even do a couple of SP days. I haven’t tried SP despite being a member when it was first introduced.
  • I’ve been eating pasta which I don’t have often – perhaps it has bloated me out a bit. I’ll try putting my pasta eating to one side for the time being as an experiment.
  • I’ve trained three times this week after my schedule being up the wall for the previous two weeks. It sure has felt like a shock to the system, so that may well have thrown a spanner in the works. I’m not someone who can avoid running in order to avoid a gain, so I’ll carry on as normal and wait for my body to adjust. Three sessions minimum in the coming week!
  • I can’t let this feeling stop me from achieving my goals. I need to channel all of that negative energy into getting sh*t done. 

So yeah. Everything will be fine. It always is, in the end, no matter how bad things appear at the time. Onwards and downwards, and I will NOT let this blip affect the coming week.

Thanks for reading my nighttime ramblings,

Hayley x

Sideswiped

I honestly don’t know what has happened. I went to bed on Sunday night feeling really good. In fact I’ve been ecstatically happy for the last three weeks because everything has been going so well and I’ve just been enjoying life!

On Sunday morning me and my brother went to Tilbury Fort which is just down the road from us, and we had a great time. We got there a little early so checked out the surrounding area first, which was honestly a complete and utter dump. We wanted to walk the coastal path to another fort, then come back on ourselves before we visited the English Heritage-run site we had come to Tilbury to see.

But the path was covered in so much dog poo and so much rubbish, it was too dangerous and/or depressing to continue.

But when we actually got into the fort it was great. We had the whole place to ourselves for ages, the man who gave us our tickets took the time to give us some history, and my brother really enjoyed himself playing with the guns because you can actually climb on and have a tinker with most of the stuff there (although of course you can’t actually blow anything up).

When I went to bed I was feeling tired but content, and got a decent sleep.

But since Monday morning, I haven’t even been able to wake myself up properly because I feel totally and utterly depressed. I’m not talking about a bad mood – I’m no stranger to those and know the difference. This is a whole other kettle of fish. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to be around people, I just want to be unconscious. But my dreams are just… insane. Every time I close my eyes I’m being chased or threatened or I’m seeing animals in pain. It’s really not good.

I feel like I need to adopt the fetal position and have a good cry, but the tears won’t come.

This week I’ve also had a totally unexpected gain of 4 lbs, my heart rate has just skyrocketed for no apparent reason and I wake up with my heart feeling like it’s trying to escape my chest every single time I’ve been to sleep. I suppose it’s a reaction to the bad dreams?

And I’ve been eating crap because I literally didn’t have the energy to prepare anything. Today’s low point was eating pecans dipped in vegan buttercream icing.

I’m refusing to go into February carrying on like this, so tonight I’m forcing myself to make something for my work lunch and getting back on plan. Because what else can I do? I can’t stay in bed forever, as much as I want to.

I’ve had to dial back on the exercise which adds another layer of guilt, but I have still kept up with my press-ups and planks, so that’s something.

My step count is atrocious, but I’m determined to make it to 70,000 steps for the week regardless. The last two weeks I’ve been above 120,000, so I’m sure I can make 70k. I WILL make 70k.

Since this depression has just come out of nowhere, I’m hoping it’ll disappear just as quickly. I’m just going to hang on for dear life until it goes away. It’s as good a plan as any!

Sorry for the negative post, but that’s what’s been happening so there you go.

Hopefully the next one will be better!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

PS I just thought of a positive – My new boots came and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THEM! They are so comfy and worth every penny of the £150 paid. I reckon I could walk to the moon and back on these babies and not even get a blister. Yay!

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Goals! Plans! Resolutions!

It’s that time again, where I start to think about what I want from the coming year. Last year I didn’t write down my vague plans, which is a shame, so this year I’ve made a page (link) and as I complete them I’ll cross them off. Plus I’ll keep adding new ones as I think of them because this is by no means the complete list. I’m sleepy as I had work last night and my memory banks are not allowing easy access right now!

Most of my goals are self-explanatory but I thought I’d go through a couple of them.

One thing I’m really, really excited about is revisiting the Harry Potter studio tour. When I went previously I was about 21 stone and I was exceptionally disappointed with my broomstick photo.

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When I’m at target I’m going to go back and do it again, even though the tickets alone cost about £40 and you pay extra to have any official photos done. But it means a lot to me, so I’m willing to pay it.

Another goal I want to concentrate on is doing a press-up. I’ve always wanted to be able to do it but my upper body is so gosh darn weak. I can lower myself down but then after a second collapse in a heap, and I can’t even do a modified version on my knees! I will have to start off by doing it up against a wall and work my way down, at the same time as using my kettlebells to build up strength that way.

As for the weight loss side of things, that’s pretty straight forward. First of all I need to get back into the 14 stones, and quickly, because I was so happy to be there and I feel crap that I messed up. But what I’m most looking forward to is fitting into my salopettes properly as they are tight around my tummy, especially when I sit down. So next winter I’m going to be able to wear even more layers underneath them and be extra super snuggly at work!

Sexy, aren’t they?! I’m actually really proud of myself for being able to wear them at all, and I count that as one of my favourite achievements from 2017. They’ve been supplied at work for years but this is the first time I’ve been able to fit in them and feel confident enough to actually wear them. One year work provided a boiler suit which was so cosy, but I had to get it in a 2xl (they came up large anyway) and I only wore it once because people straight up laughed in my face as soon as they saw me. That was a cold, cold winter in the workplace. Next winter though I’m going to be at my maximum confidence and comfort level!

There are a few things I want to do relating veganism, and that involves some kind of activism which really frightens me. The word alone is scary, but it doesn’t necessarily mean protests or anything like that, it can be as simple as contacting companies and asking for them to make vegan versions of their wares or encouraging them to get Vegan Society certification. Or (and this is where I’m most comfortable) just spreading the word. I did start to write a blog about being a vegan and doing Slimming World, but I didn’t like it so I deleted it. Instead I have created Hayley the Vegan which will encompass every aspect of my vegan life. I hope to share with people what I’ve learned so far, and to demonstrate how easy it is.

Another thing I’m curious about is bearing witness, but I need to do further research. I think it involves going to see the animals as they are transported for slaughter, but what I really want to know is if it actually makes a difference because I couldn’t put myself through that for nothing. There’s an organisation near me so it would be easy to get involved, but one short video I saw of a single pig just before Christmas disturbed me and kept playing on my mind for days (it still does if I’m honest) so I’m not sure I could even do it. But it also doesn’t feel right for me to look the other way. I don’t know, it needs further thought…

One thing I know is that in July I was wary of even using the term vegan, because I just wanted to cut out anything to do with animal products, but as I learn more about how animals are treated the more I feel I just have to do something, anything, to help. It sure is more than just a diet.

Me and my brother have our holiday planned for the end of May, and even if we don’t end up doing everything we want to, it is still going to be AWESOME. We’re intending to climb Ben Nevis, but it’s a lot more dangerous than Snowdon so if the conditions aren’t right then we are prepared to abandon the attempt. Also, if we get part-way up and it’s too dangerous to continue, then we simply have to come back down. We can always try another time anyway. It’s scary, but good scary.

Right now I’m so tired that my brain has turned to mush, so I think it’s time to stop this rambling post. I’m currently on day three of being back on plan and feeling wonderful for it. So I’d best get dinner started because letting myself get too hungry could mean disaster.

Most of all what I must say is HAPPY NEW YEAR! And thank you to everyone who has made 2017 hands down the best year of my life so far. I’m not settling though, 2018 is going to be even better!

Thanks for reading, now and over the last 12 months.

Hayley x

 

 

Perkier

This morning I woke up at 4am and couldn’t get back to sleep. The whole reason behind it was that my mojo unexpectedly came back, and I’m so pleased to see it that I’m not going to complain about the less-than-ideal timing.

I am so excited for the future, the only way I could calm my thoughts was to get up, make a cup of tea and jot down a list of things to do and things I’m looking forward to.

Me and my brother have started planning our annual holiday already. At the end of May we’re climbing Scafell Pike, hiking in the Isle of Skye, climbing Ben Nevis, and and some point fitting in some sleep. That part’s not a huge priority though.

A friend of mine has been talking a lot about the universe being on his side lately, and I had a similar feeling today. One thing I’m going to need is new hiking boots, because mine pinch the big toe on one foot if I do too much ‘going down hills’. Going down Snowdon this year it did give me some jip, so I need to do something about that.

As I opened Facebook today the first thing I saw was a brand new post from a vegan site I read – all about vegan friendly hiking boots! They have contacted a whole shedload of companies to ask about everything from the glue they use to their working practices, and have compiled a nice list so I can choose a pair without it being a huge headache. How awesome is that?

The only spanner in the works is the price, which is a fair one considering the quality of the boots and the fact that a lot of work has gone into making them eco-friendly, but I’ll have to start saving now. I almost, almost bought them anyway (I still have an emergency overdraft) but I stopped myself just in time. Needing something for the end of May cannot be considered an emergency!

The thing that’s really getting me going is that fact that I’ll be at target by the time we go. Going up Snowdon last May I felt fantastic, but when I saw the pictures of me and my brother’s Gopro footage I must admit that my heart sank just a tad. I was two stone heavier then than I am now, so I know I look a lot different already, it’ll just be that extra bit special this time around. Even if we aren’t so lucky with the weather. Look at that gorgeous sky!!!

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I was also itching to get back on plan this morning as I’m feeling a lot better. I can breathe through both nostrils at the same time and the only thing ‘bothering’ me now is a tickly cough. I can take a tickly cough all day long, it’s nothing compared to a blocked up nose! At lunch I settled down to read Harry Potter (it always makes me feel Christmassy) and a ginormous bowl of thick, silky, syn free, cauliflower soup. Yum!

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I even felt well enough to get out in the garden to take some pictures, but I’ve got to admit these pictures of some of our visitors were taken through the window. They’re a bit shy you see!

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Now let’s see how much of my latest gain I can get off before Christmas! I’ve put on about ten pounds (according to my scales) which is a fair consequence of the way I’ve been eating. I don’t feel bad about it as such, but I’m still going to skip group on Tuesday if I’m showing a gain of over 7lbs. It’s normally quick on/quick off with me though so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I end up going. We’ll see. Either way, I’m going to stay on plan now until Christmas Eve.

Everything is pretty much back to normal now (at least as normal as it ever gets) so I can get back to being festive in peace!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

PS Scratch that. I’m going to group anyway to face the music, no matter what happens. It’s time to start doing things properly again!