Recovery isn’t always linear, I’m beginning to find. I read that at some point this year, and it helps me to remember it. After having a terrible experience, I’m getting better at recognising when things aren’t right with a potential romantic interest. Better, but far from perfect.
So, despite numerous red flags, I kept going with my most recent gentleman friend. I didn’t have any particular hopes for us before Christmas Eve, but when he ended up coming home with me I felt that something had changed, that there was something more. I’m not talking about the physical side of things, by the way, and I’m absolutely sure he felt it too.
Even speaking to him Boxing Day, things felt different. And then… nothing. I finally plucked up the courage to call yesterday morning, which is something I wouldn’t do with anyone else, but since this person is always losing/breaking phones, it’s more than possible he just wasn’t getting my messages.
Then when I called, he sounded genuinely pleased to hear from me. I suggested meeting up at some vague point before New Year’s Eve, but then he invited me out that very night. He said he’d message me to confirm the details, but… nothing. I’ve heard nothing since.
It may seem like a minor thing, but it isn’t the first time it’s happened. If I stuck around, I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last. What I want from a relationship (amongst other things) is stability and consistency, and he can’t offer either of these, for whatever reason.
Whether he can’t or he won’t, it’s all the same. It’ll just be even more painful to carry on down this road. Therefore that’s it, I really am done with this one, and I’m glad I’m drawing a line and not carrying this situation into next year. I had a little cry last night, remembered to give myself a pat on the back for only letting this go on for a couple of weeks instead of over a year like the last one, and got myself out for weigh in this morning.
Thankfully, I’ve somehow managed to stay the same since my last weigh in, though I can’t actually remember when that was. Yay for Christmas miracles!
After getting weighed, I then went out leafleting for my consultant. I went yesterday too, figuring that it would be good in several different ways. I get to do some exercise, I help my friend promote her business, and it boosts my commitment to my Slimming World group.
Both times we went out were eventful. In case you don’t know, when posting leaflets it’s a good idea to take a wooden spoon with you, to help you poke the leaflet through the letterbox.
For me, mainly this helps stop your hands from getting sore, because some letterboxes really are more hazardous than you might expect, but it’s also in case your fingers get bitten by a dog.
I didn’t think this would ever really happen, but then the very first time I posted a leaflet through a door yesterday, a humongous-sounding beast grabbed the leaflet and the spoon right out of my hand. I tried to hold on, but it was too damn strong!
Feeling utterly bemused, I rang the doorbell to ask for the spoon back, but no one was home. Some very confused dog owner is probably even now wondering why someone posted a wooden spoon to them. I for one am just glad it’s not my fingers they found on their doormat.
Then today we split into two groups and I went off with a lovely lady with blue hair. In the first street, she had a fall and couldn’t carry on. Although she wouldn’t admit it to begin with and I did have to practically force her to go home rather than trying to continue. Hopefully nothing is broken!
Since coming home I’ve been planning how I’m going to smash my weight loss goals, which is now absolutely essential since I have broken my very favourite item of clothing.
This is an unmitigated disaster. I have other cold-weather items but nothing compares to these babies, and my tummy has gone and burst through the zip! They are £90 to buy new, so although a lovely work friend has donated her pair to me, I’ll be getting these ones repaired at some point.
I also can’t risk wearing the new pair yet, in case I break those too. So yeah, I’m getting serious about this now.
I’m using Slimming World’s own 12 week journal to keep me on track, using my favourite ever picture of me as inspiration. That photo was also taken on the day I last felt genuinely OK.
It was taken in May, at the Swingamajig festival. I felt so good – slim, confident, excited about the future… I just felt like myself. Then everything came crashing down.
I already have tickets for Swingamajig 2020, which takes place on the 8th of May. By then I aim to be back on that good place or, scratch that, even better. For the first time in a long time I really believe that will happen.
I’m just going to take it one day at a time, and congratulate myself for every day that I stay on plan. If I don’t achieve anything else, at the end of the day I can say to myself ‘I did a positive thing, just for me, and I’m proud of myself for doing it’. If nothing else, at least I’ll have that.
Thanks for reading,