A Dip

I normally get really down when it’s my birthday but weirdly, this year it never happened. Once my birthday was done however I found my mood dropping drastically by the day. It’s probably a coincidence, because I no longer get those ‘oh my god I’m failing at life! I should have a husband, children, my own house and a fulfilling job by now!’ moments. In fact these days I’m positively relieved I don’t have some of those.

I thought perhaps I’d had some kind of breakthrough where I wouldn’t ever feel as bad again as I do right now. Perhaps that was naive of me. Ok, definitely naive of me, because once more I feel more than a little lost and I suppose betrayed by my own body and mind. We weren’t supposed to be doing this any more!

I haven’t helped myself this weekend. I’ve eaten aaaaaaall the pizza in an attempt to numb the pain, and had a couple of bottles of wine, too. Which has definitely just made me feel even worse in the long run, and helped me put back on all the weight I lost over the last couple of weeks. I skipped group this week too, and might do the same next week. It’s the Mr Sleek and Miss Slinky awards (the most cringe-worthy of them all) and I’m really not feeling up to a taster night.

So what I’ve done is add to the bad feelings I already had, which now I’m feeling guilty about. Guilt, guilt and more guilt, about so many things! In a matter of days I’ve gone from feeling pretty much ok and quite positive to completely overwhelmed with everything and like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ve hardly touched the art supplies I got for my birthday that I was so excited to get, (more guilt) because I’ve barely had the energy to even sit and watch a movie. Quite frankly, this is all bullshit and I’m sick of this awful cycle.

On the plus side I had a telephone appointment today to find out what help I can get for all of this. I’ve been referred for counselling, with the only downside being I will have to wait somewhere between 6 to 18 weeks for my first appointment. I suppose I’ll just have to keep doing the best I can in the meantime.

I did manage to drag myself out on Sunday even though it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. Newton has now been fully immunised and is allowed out for walkies, so me and little brother visited the sister so we could all take him to the park.

He was loving it! It took us a while to get there because he wanted to stop and sniff everything, but eventually we got to an open area where he could have a good run. He’s still so tiny but he’s bloody fast!

Later on it turned chilly and he was getting tired so he was carried some of the way home, the lazy little git. Who can resist a face like that though?

I found more mushrooms too. Ok, so admittedly the weekend wasn’t a complete write off.

Tomorrow I’ll get back on plan and get out for a walk, because I know it will help. It’s just the getting up and starting it that’s the problem. All I want to do is sleep. Anyway, that’s enough moaning for one day.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

4 thoughts on “A Dip

  1. Don’t be disheartened, and certainly don’t add to your burden with guilt. We all go through crappy times, even when we have no issues. You’ll be back on track in your own time, with your weight loss and your arts. I know 6 to 18 weeks sounds like a long time, but at least things are in progress. Hope you have a lovely time tomorrow, and good luck with getting back on track.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. oh I am so sorry that you are struggling dear. Considering it is an annual thing, rather than it being related to your birthday, do you think that what you might be suffering from instead is winter depression? Those tend to kick in at this time of the year as well. So it could very well just be that? Hopefully councelling will help loads 🙂

    I think we are all in the “I am eating all the things” club at the moment. One day I am right on top of it and at other days… well yeah. I’ll consider myself fortunate that the gluten free pizza’s are just nasty ^__^”. Try to be a bit kind to yourself though. And try to distract yourself with something else when you find you are being particularly mean to yourself :). It might help. Also, you know where to find me when you need me ;).

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think the weather and the time of year is DEFINITELY a factor, and I haven’t helped myself by staying indoors too much.

      Ugh yes I had a GF pizza once and it fell to pieces, it was so brittle! Never again haha. I’m working on the distraction thing, someone recommended a face mask to me today, as it’s pampering AND you can’t eat while it’s on 😂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.