Perfect Week

I’m currently laying in bed feeling tired, a little crisp (sunburn, didn’t realise how… sunny it was) but most of all content.

For the first time since I’ve had my Apple Watch I’ve had a perfect week – meaning I achieved all of my activity goals every single day. Finally!

What’s more, I’ve had a week of being perfectly on plan for what I believe is only the second time this year. It hasn’t even been that difficult, which is something I struggle to get my head around. Why, oh why does it have to be so damn hard sometimes and plain sailing the rest of the time? Why am I unable to channel whatever it is I’m doing now during those other times? If I had the answer to that I’d be sorted for life.

For the first time in a long time today I went on a little adventure with my siblings. I was looking at Google Maps for potential walks near a friend’s house as I hope to one day badger him into getting a little fitter, when I swiped a little bit too far and ended up in Kent.

Quite accidentally I came across ‘Deer Park’. On further investigation I found out it’s part of a National Trust site called Knole House, so that’s where we ended up going.

The whole place is rather beautiful, but I fancied being outside on such a lovely day so rather than pay full admission I asked if it was ok to just explore the grounds. Their website said the car park gets really full on Sunday’s so we arrived slightly before opening, and as the gatehouse was unattended at the time the lady at the information desk told us we didn’t have to pay a thing. Result!

As soon as we entered the grounds we discovered that the deer are really not difficult to find. Some hang out near the house and are clearly accustomed to scavenging from visitors (even though you are told not to feed them) where as some who seem to live nearer the middle of the park are a lot more skittish.

It was great for all kinds of nature. We saw woodpeckers, squirrels a rabbit and plenty of bugs.

And a huge mushroom. I didn’t pick it though.

When it comes to food these kind of places can be really difficult for me, especially if they’re National Trust. They sell a dark chocolate-covered bar of marzipan which I find really hard to resist, but resist it I did. We bought packed lunches so everything I had was Slimming World-friendly.

After all this hard work if I don’t get a good result on the scales tomorrow I may well throw a hissy fit. This week has also been the first week in maybe a whole year where I haven’t weighed myself at home at all. Not even once. Weigh in will be complete surprise, and I’m already a bit nervous about it.

Not long till I find out though! Here’s to another good week ahead,

Hayley x

Up Again

Ah, sweet relief. I’m finally starting to feel human again! Things aren’t perfect of course (nothing ever is, that’s life) but I feel like doing things again – doing them because I want to, not forcing myself because I know it’ll make me feel better in the long run.

Now the fog has considerably cleared from my brain I’ve had time and headspace for reflection. It started with thinking about what I’ve done so far to tackle my weight and what I’m going to do moving forward. What I’m really going to do, instead of continuing to break my own promises.

I updated my motivational wall and that was quite telling. Although my best loss through Slimming World is 8 stone 10 lbs, my current loss is 7 stone on the nose. Interestingly I got my 7 stone award in 2017, and as far as numbers go I haven’t made much progress since then.

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However, the fact I’ve managed to keep off 7 stone for a year and 8 months has exceeded my wildest expectations.

Someone at work the other night asked my how my diet’s going, and it brought me up short for a moment. Although I talk about being on and off plan, I genuinely don’t feel like I’m on a diet. I use the word diet occasionally as sometimes it’s just easier, but bouts of emotional eating aside, this really is forever. As such the idea of ‘being on a diet’ actually feels quite alien. I like that.

I finally feel like I’m really ready to carry on where I left off when I was steaming along for months on end. They were good times.

I’m so happy I’ve started feeling better just before the end of the month, because I do love a fresh start and a new beginning. It just so happens that we’re also on the cusp of the crossing the half-way mark of 2019, and I feel that I’ve learned enough over the last few days to set me up for a fantastic second half.

This week’s goals are all in hand – despite 31 degree heat I still got out and filled my exercise ring today. I can happily take this heat, because I got what I wanted – a whole load of glorious sunshine! I just walked up to the church on the hill and back, but it was enough to get my heart pumping.

I’ve been eating well, enjoying it, and I have a weekend of good things to look forward to.

One thing I have learned lately is that walking is something that’s absolutely essential to my wellbeing. While I was busy I honestly didn’t have the time or energy to do the amount I wanted, which just compounded how awful I was feeling. I’m damn well delighted to be back outside with Mother Nature. Yesterday I saw THREE RABBITS. Three! Funnily enough they didn’t stay still for a picture so this will have to do.

I also got the tyre done on the new car, had the air conditioning re-gassed… then found out there’s water leaking from somewhere. Last week this would have really peed me off, but this week? Not so much. I’m sure I’ll get it sorted, and I still have my existing car to use for as long as I need to. Ain’t nothing getting me down.

Right, it’s now time for me to go get ready for a measly four hour shift. I’m leaving work early as I have a fun thing planned for tomorrow. More on that later!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Clammy

Sometimes we don’t always get exactly what we want. For instance I always long for warm weather, but when I put my order in I meant I wanted sunshine as well. I did NOT request all of this oppressive cloud along with it. Does anyone know who I complain to?

Not that it’s stopping me, because yesterday I think I managed to turn a corner. It was the night my group would have launched, and I was certainly not looking forward to it. I felt I owed it to everyone to be there even though I very much wanted to shirk my final responsibility and do a runner.

The district manager came to run the the group and to explain to everyone what would happen going forward, and I kept looking at her out of the corner of my eye – looking for signs that she was angry with me, that she was annoyed because it’s my fault she had to do that on top of her normal job.

I didn’t get any angry looks, but I did get a bunch of flowers. Seriously, how flipping lovely is that?

Now its time to let go of all the blame I’m putting on to myself, before I crumble under the weight of it.

This week is all about doing stuff I want to do. I have a new car that’s all ready to go, apart from the fact it needs a tyre repairing. I could take it to the tyre place down the road tomorrow afternoon, or I could go walking instead.

I’m going to go walking. I have another functioning car, the new one can wait.

Last week I was off the wagon more often than I was on it, but I think the fact that I forced myself to get off of my butt and move meant that for the second week in a row I scraped a maintain.

My goal for this week is to have a perfect week filling the rings of the activity app in my Apple Watch (which is touch and go as one of the rings doesn’t always register properly) and to have a week of food optimising 100%. It’s been a few months since I last did that.

Saturday I was out in the gorgeous sunshine (little did I know it wouldn’t last), and Monday I walked to town via the park.

These geeselets are sooooooo in the teenager phase. Look how scruffy they are!

The retail therapy did in fact make me feel a whole lot better. Although I’ve put on a few pounds, my perception of how I look is seriously skewed. I thought I was massive, so when browsing the shops I kept grabbing size 16’s. When I tried them on though they were way too big, so that was reassuring.

My recent meltdowns haven’t done too much damage as far as my size goes.

Today I went and got all clammy and sticky on a five mile walk, but then I did see the cutest cow. There was life and colour everywhere and although the sky was quite frankly a bit crap, being outside made me feel a whole lot better.

This weekend I’ve made sleep, healthy food and exercise my priority and I actually feel human again.

That’s more like it.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Where do I begin?

What’s this? I have time to blog? Truth be told, I’m going to have a lot more time from now on. That’s because I’ve made the really difficult and to be honest quite heart-wrenching decision to not be a Slimming World consultant after all.

I’ve been putting off writing this post, because although it’s occupied my thoughts constantly for days, I’ve been trying to avoid examining things too closely. Right now I’m feeling like a big huge failure with a capital F.

My main reason for wanting to become a consultant was sound. The people in my group needed a permanent consultant and they are truly lovely people, so I wanted them to have just that. I’m feeling a massive amount of guilt, because I know I’ve let all of those people down, especially the ones who have been helping me with promotion.

Guilt is probably the word of the day. I feel guilty for all of the extra work I’ve put on to other people – my manager will have to start again looking for another consultant whereas if she’d chosen anyone but me then there’d be someone ready to go this Monday. There’s all of the returning of my equipment to sort out and getting cover for the group in the meantime. I’ve wasted so much of everyone’s time. I hate myself for that.

My main reason for giving up at this stage is depression. Maybe, just maybe if I wasn’t feeling so bad then I’d be able to cope with everything. But what I really feel, deep down, is that it’s more likely I’m just not the person I thought (hoped?) I am or could be. I’m not strong. I can’t just knuckle down and get on with things. I’m a flake. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just can’t be anything but honest here. I feel quite pathetic right now.

I feel guilty for every single person who has a lot more to deal with than I do and copes with it. I feel guilty for every other consultant who manages to do it alongside a full time job. I feel guilty for every consultant who runs their groups alongside raising a family. If they can do it why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

I feel scared to death that this is all I’ll ever be. Will I just be in my little comfort zone forever, scared to leave? Is this all I’ve ever amount to? Ugh. I’m being dramatic!

So yeah, I’m not really a fan of myself right now. On top of it all I’m the heaviest I’ve been in a year because I’ve been comfort eating. Just lately food has been the only thing that has bought me any kind of enjoyment at all, but I’m so angry at myself for knowing how brief that enjoyment is and what it means for my future happiness (or lack thereof) and choosing to go down that road anyway.

Where do I go from here then? Well… backwards I think. Now I have spare time again I’m right back out there getting my exercise in. I do love going for walks, and I’ve realised that no matter where I end up in future then in order to be happy I must make sure I don’t consider having to sacrifice that again. It’s a deal-breaker. I can’t walk to work and back because it’s not safe in the dark on my own, so although it’s time consuming it must be done in my spare time.

Also I need to go back to my lowest weight. I’ve said it before but I was happy then. So back to last November I go, even though I’m further away from it than I was the last time I wrote about it.

Thankfully, although I feel like the world’s biggest pile of crap, at least I’ve realised what needs to happen before any more damage is done.

I must say I have had nothing but love and support from so many people at Slimming World. Although I don’t feel I deserve it, everyone without exception has been absolutely brilliant. When making my decision I had brief thoughts about not being able to show my face and having to give up as a member, or finding a group way out where no one would know what trouble I’d caused. That’s not the Slimming World way though, and I was really surprised to find that right from the members to the very top their values stay the same. To be a big company and keep that going through and through is quite an achievement.

Right now I feel like my foundations have been well and truly rocked and I have a lot of thinking to do about who I am and where to go from here, but just for now I’m just content to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

At least the view is nice.

Hayley x

By a Thread

Since I last posted I’ve been in a dark place. Me starting to feel a tiny bit better was then replaced by depression coming along and punching me right in the side of the head with all its strength – and I’m still reeling from the blow.

Notable achievements over the past week have been having a shower and being awake for a few hours in a row. The other day I even picked my post up from the floor. It sounds funny when I put it like that, but I’m not exaggerating. That was a big deal.

My ‘ordinary’ job has been quiet, which is lucky, so I have been going home early at every opportunity, though without pay. I know I can’t really afford it, and I feel guilty and scared about that, but also I know that being unconscious is the only thing that feels good at the moment and I’ll take any opportunity that will allow me to achieve that. What I dearly want from most from life right now is to be asleep. To be anything but feeling like this.

Oblivion please.

Eating well has gone out of the window and I skipped weigh-in on Tuesday partly because I genuinely didn’t have the energy and partly because I wasn’t in a fit state to interact with people, at least unless absolutely necessary. I wanted to go, but there’s only so much I can handle.

Somehow, on Monday night I managed to find the strength to make it to my own Slimming World group and deliver what seemed to be a perfectly acceptable new member talk. Huh. Although I suspected I had it in me, I didn’t think I’d be able to do it feeling like… this. But I did. Cool.

Let me try and explain what it’s like. I know things, logically – for instance I went out for a walk last Thursday and I knew that the cool breeze was lovely on my face, I knew that the sun was making everything look pretty, and that going for a walk is good for me. I knew it but I couldn’t feel it.

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I took a picture. See, pretty yes?

Afterwards I went for a really nice meal at a pub down the road. The food was super fancy but in a down-to-earth setting with no snooty staff. I had a chocolate bomb and the waitress came round with a teeny tiny saucepan full of sauce to pour over the top, melt the shell and reveal the delicious insides. It came with real flowers on top. I ate a flower. Normally that would have thrilled me, but not then. Damn.

Today a friend very kindly came out with me for moral support while I was putting up some posters for my Slimming World group. It went a lot better with company, and I am feeling more confident that I’ll find some hidden reserves in order to give my group the service they deserve when I launch on the 24th. They really do deserve it, they are special people.

In the meantime, after sobbing down the phone to the doctor’s receptionist my appointment has been moved from next Wednesday to this Saturday morning. I’m genuinely counting down the days. One more to to get through once tonight is over with.

I know I won’t feel better straight away, but I need to know that something is going to get better.

I was looking back at photos from last year and the end of November was the last time I can say I felt really, properly happy. I really want to get back to feeling like I was then, and looking like I was then, too. Blimey I felt skinny!

I might be hanging on by a thread right now, but the truth is I know deep down that it’s a deceptively strong thread. I will be back to how I felt in November sooner or later. It’s testament to how much I’ve changed though because although I slip (more often than not these days it seems) apparently gone are the days when I completely give up.

So if you’re not feeling tip top right now, just like me, then give yourself a pat on the back for still putting one foot in front of the other, even if it is a tiny step.

We’ll get there.

Hayley x

Deep Thought

Today I was feeling a bit lower than yesterday, but now I’m perking up again. After my meltdown on Thursday I ate MANY weight-loss-sabotaging foods and although I’ve worked really damn hard to make up for it since then, my scales showed that I hadn’t quite done it. I was tired anyway but that put me in an extra bad mood.

How many times have I said I’ll stop weighing at home? Too many. I hope one day I learn, because Slimming World’s super-duper accurate scales inform me that I’ve stayed the same. I am most relieved at that result.

I’ve been thinking (deeply) about what I need to change in order to get to target. First of all I’ve committed to a new and regular group, just for myself, as I mentioned yesterday. I did a test run this evening and I think it’s going to be the best one to fit in with my shift patterns. I can be home in time for a nice cup of coffee before work, and let’s face it, coffee time is a very important time of day.

I’m also in the process of writing a ‘for and against’ list. It seems obvious doesn’t it? The ‘for’ list should be packed with the positives that come with losing weight, and the ‘against’ list should be empty, right? RIGHT? If only it were that simple. It’s not till you really sit down and give yourself time to think about it that other thoughts may bubble up from your subconscious.

For me, the big ‘against’ is that I’m scared I’ll never be happy at any weight, that I’ll still want to lose more. I’m worried sick that I’ll always hate my tummy no matter what. These are especially odd revelations to me, because I know people who have dealt with those kind of thoughts but never acknowledged them in myself until now.

I’m also scared that I just won’t be able to cope right now without eating rubbish. For instance if I get too depressed. On some level I am genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to cope without using food as a crutch. On another level I know that’s dumb, but it doesn’t stop the thoughts. Same goes for using food for energy. What if I really can’t get through a night shift without something sugary?

What if…?

On the other hand, my list of reasons for losing weight has shrunk dramatically from when I first started. This is simply because so many of them don’t apply any more. Wanting to feel less out of breath? Sorted. Shop in ‘normal’ stores? Yep, dunnit. Thighs stopped rubbing together? Sure have. Backache? Gone. Migraines? Haven’t had one for years.

So how do I keep the motivation going? Well, by thinking long and hard about what I really want. I truly considered calling target today, because I can quite easily maintain this weight. But I’m not ready to quit just yet, and I needed that time to sit and think and really absorb that. Is that my true feeling on the matter? I’m sure now that it is. But exactly why? I’m still working on that one.

As any regular reader will know, if I have something coming up that might mean veering even vaguely off plan, I really struggle with it. Next month I’ll be going back to Slimming World head office for my next lot of training, which I really found difficult to deal with last month.

Well, I’m especially looking forward to it this time. I know I’ll feel better, because all of the things I’m most scared of will have been and gone. I’ll still be busy, but mentally at least I’ll be able to relax for five minutes.

Last time I struggled with food, but today I found a perfect apartment through Airbnb so I can prepare my own breakfasts and dinners. It’ll be great! Now that my fellow trainees have transitioned from acquaintances to friends, I feel confident that if any socialising is on the cards that they will wholeheartedly support me and help me stay on plan. I’m sure they would have anyway, but this time around at least it won’t be something that’s playing on my mind. The less of that the better.

The rest of this week is all about making sure I’m all set for promotion, and it’s gradually all beginning to come together. I finally feel like I’m making progress and am at least somewhat prepared. For instance, if it rains how can I deliver my leaflets and hold an umbrella?

Truth is, I can’t. Therefore…

ENTER THE BROLLY HAT!

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Functional? Yes. Stylish? HELL YES.

I’d say I’m all set.

Hayley x

Finding My Voice

I remember when I first started blogging and how uncomfortable I felt with the way it sounded when I read it back in my head. In time I found my ‘blogging voice’, and I’m finding that I need to go through the same kind of process to find my ‘talking to a group of people’ voice.

The initial talk I have planned for my new Slimming World members took much longer than expected, because the first time I tried to say it out loud I burst into tears and it took me a long time to stop. It didn’t happen that day. I was feeling panicked that I should have been further along with it by then, where I’m feeling down my confidence was a bit battered, I’m also not happy with myself and I felt like a fraud…

First of all, I messaged a few trusted people just to get my fears off of my chest, however silly they might have sounded. Reassurances came flooding back, and I arranged to meet my sister on Saturday so that she could listen to me say my talk out loud. I knew I needed to get it OUT of me, just one time, then I’d feel a lot better.

So Saturday came around, and although I was nearly in tears again I got it out. At first I was internally cringing like mad, and that came through in my voice. Plus I kept getting confused and losing my place. But by the time I was half-way through (it takes 25 minutes), my proper voice started to come through. Finally.

As a reward, because it sure did take a lot out of me, me and little sister went for a coffee and a walk. At long last it’s warm enough for me to wear my summer clothes! I started with a lovely floaty shirt dress, but found that unless all of it is included in the photo then I look a little bit like some sort of religious person.

Who cares though? Not me! You may notice the water behind me there. My sister has lived near this park with a lake for nearly two years, and finally we got around to having a go on a pedalo (a little boat with pedals that move the… propeller? Sounds about right).

Neither of us had been on one before and it was surprisingly hard work, but since my exercise has been a bit lacking lately that was an added bonus for me.

It was also surprisingly exciting, because at one point we were almost run aground. We were warned not to get too close to the island or the sides, and we didn’t, but the guy said nothing about going past the island. We pedalled like mad to get out of it, and were saved the embarrassment of either calling for help or just getting out and wading to the shore.

I slept well before work that evening I tell you!

Yesterday I did my new member talk for Pea, and it came out better still. She seemed to like it, too.

I then had a meeting which was all about planning my promotion, which starts next week. There are a lot of things I’ll be doing that will be taking me even further out of my comfort zone, plus I need to keep practicing the talk until I feel confident I can do it with my eyes shut. I have an enormous amount of work to do, plus my normal job, lots of things to worry about (some of which are valid worries, some aren’t) but it does mean that nerves about my first proper night in group are subsiding. Mostly because once that night is done I can relax for five minutes!

Yes I’m finding all of this really hard, but I’m imagining how fantastic I’ll feel when I’ve done all of these things I’m finding it hard to believe I can do in the first place. And there’s the fact I will have done them all on top of each other. I’m pretty sure that anything that comes after this will be a breeze.

I’m going to my group tonight but I’m not weighing in, because I’ve decided to got back to my original group. I was going to wait until after my first night running a group, but I’ve realised I need help, as a member and nothing else, as of right now. As I’ll be telling my members, this is your time, where you can figure out how to have a fantastic week and get loads of ideas from your lovely friends. I need that just as much as anyone else.

Right, to be honest I didn’t really have time to write this blog, so I must get going now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x