Black Hole

After 83 weeks of weighing in on a Tuesday I’ve decided to switch things up a bit. In the last few weeks Sunday (the first night of my weekend) has become something of a black hole and I need to do something to address that. Yesterday I just ate and ate and as such this morning’s weigh in shows another 1.5 lb gain. That’s 3 lbs in two weeks and it’s in the wrong direction, plus I might not have metabolised all of that junk and have some still to gain!

I’m hoping the idea of weighing the next morning will keep me on track next weekend. It’s worth a try anyway.

I am as ever very annoyed with myself, because I’ve had another week of compliment after compliment. I found a very old pair of jeans on top of my wardrobe at the beginning of the week, and although they’re old they’ve never actually been worn. I reckon I bought them in 2013, to slim into, and finally they fit!

The jeans I had been wearing to work are enormous on me now, so it’s been great having everyone tell me how skinny my legs look now they’re not hidden in clown trousers. It’s a good feeling, but if I carry on like this then they’re not going to fit anymore.

Training is scheduled for tomorrow but I’m making a pledge here and now that if my trainer can’t make it then I’m going to go out on my own. I want to do three sessions this week, no matter what.

I wanted to do some kettlebells today but on Friday at work I picked something up awkwardly and hurt my shoulder, so I need to be sensible and not do any weight training until it’s healed. I’m really angry about that – just as I was finishing my rotation on that department as well.

But most of all I need to eat well, because there’s no point in training if I’m just going to undo all of the hard work I’ve done. The two need to go hand in hand.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about health lately. Up until now I haven’t cared much about exactly what is going into my body as long as overall I’m losing weight. So on a bad day I wouldn’t think twice about eating a whole tub of Ben & Jerry’s, as long as I was sure I could make up for it later.

Now I’m starting to consider the effect that this kind of eating will have on my long-term health, especially as I’m fairly convinced I have Binge Eating Disorder. I have most of the symptoms with the exception of secrecy – although I’m tempted to hide what I’ve done and certainly have done in the past, I’m now brutally honest and feel the need to confess what I’ve eaten.

The treatment guidelines for BED are based around self-help anyway (specifically CBT), and I’m already taking steps to figure it out myself (and have in fact been doing that since I started with Slimming World in the first place). I need to keep working on it, as my binges are already less frequent and less intense than they used to be, although there has definitely been an increase in the last few months. It would just be nice to not have them at all. And I’ll also be much less likely to develop diabetes in future.

It feels really scary talking about Binge Eating Disorder publicly, because even though it has finally been recognised as a real thing a lifetime of people just thinking I’m lazy or greedy doesn’t go away overnight. I haven’t even wanted to admit to myself that I might have it. The way I eat definitely goes beyond ‘being a bit naughty’ though. When I say I lose control I don’t mean I temporarily lost my willpower, I mean I genuinely couldn’t stop myself. I’ve eaten some really weird things when I’ve had no unhealthy food in the house – for instance yesterday at 6am I ate a huge bowl of peanut butter mixed with maple syrup because it’s literally all I had. That is not normal.

Maybe I should go to the doctors, but I have a deep distrust of them when it comes to mental health. My experiences so far have not been good. Would it be better to have an official diagnosis though? Would it be better to have proper CBT sessions? I think maybe I should explore every avenue to try to stop this happening, because I don’t want to have it hanging over my head forever, always threatening to sabotage my efforts.

30 minutes later…

Update: Well, I thought to hell with it. What’s the worst that can happen? I got on the phone and booked myself the next available routine doctor’s appointment. Which is on the 3rd of April. Oh well, at least there’s time for me to get my head around it.

Today I made an excellent start to the week. I’ve cleaned, I’ve tidied, I’ve sorted through old clothes and had another purge of the wardrobe… I had a great trying-on session and found I now fit into several dresses I bought in a sale years ago. However I now realise I don’t actually like any of them and have no occasion to wear them anyway! So off to the charity shop they will go.

I’m now topping up my steps but I’ve done a proper workout too. I did a 30 minute programme on the exercise bike but I was enjoying it so much I kept going for another 20 minutes. During the workout I was thinking back to when I first got my bike, sometime last year, and how I struggled to complete 10 minutes. Oh how times have changed!

I started off this post feeling pretty down, but over the course of the day I’ve done several little acts of self care and my mood has completely changed.

I’m feeling very positive about this week, I reckon it’s going to be a good one!

Look after yourselves people.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

About Hayleyhttp://wordsbyhayley.comCrazy bird lady, vegan, weight loss and fitness enthusiast, lover of photography

6 thoughts on “Black Hole

  1. Good for you, for scheduling the doctor’s appointment. I really hope you will have a good experience this time round and that it will be useful. And I admire your courage for sharing this with us in your blog.

    I do not have a binge eating disorder myself, but did educate myself on it when I first started to dieet (I wanted to know what I had to look out for). One of the books that kept popping up as having helped others was “Brain over Binge”. 🙂 Maybe it’s worth checking out?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Back in the early days of my blog I did a bit of CBT and for my own (ahem) compulsive habits/addictions it was quite useful. It certainly gave me a useful perspective and ways of managing cravings.

    If I’m completely honest though I struggle just like you do and my eating habits are still way outside what I consider to be social norms.

    I think it has a lot to do with being single though – and if you examine it I bet it’s at its worst when you’re unchecked and no-ones around.

    I totally self modify when I’m around people – but on my own it’s like there’s a different person inhabiting my body.

    Sigh. It’s on ongoing process I guess! Hope the docs goes ok 👍🏽

    Liked by 1 person

    • For me when I’ve been in a relationship the binges have been much worse, with the added element of secrecy. One time I lived with a partner and I was regularly eating a whole large pizza and a burger from the takeaway near our flat, hiding the evidence, then sitting down for a healthy meal later.

      I’ve sure come a long way since those days, just not quite as far as I’d like!

      I know what you mean about it being like there’s a different person inhabiting your body though. There is Hayley with willpower of steel who can sit watching people eat takeaways without an issue, and the Hayley who feels compelled to eat butter straight from the tub…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oddly – now that you describe your behaviour in a relationship – I remember my own. I used to do a large kebab on the way home and then sit down to a meal with my partner.

        Maybe I’m guilty of the same thing 🤔

        Liked by 1 person

      • Perhaps. A lot of it I wasn’t really conscious of at the time, but as soon as I started to really think about it a lot game back. I’ll do anything not to go back to being that way though, so if I have to relive some bad memories before things improve I’d say that’s a fair trade-off

        Liked by 1 person

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