Rollercoaster

I think I made the right decision. By letting myself be lazy for a few days my cold went away before it really got started and I feel mostly back to normal again.

Over the last few weeks me, my mum and my brother have been watching the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended editions, obviously) and for the first two weeks I was really proud of myself for not snacking while we were watching. With the final instalment though I admit it, I cracked. The film is 4 hours and 23 minutes long, and although I get completely immersed I just wanted things yesterday. So I went ahead and had them.

I am annoyed with myself, but not furious, and certainly not to the point where I’m beating myself up about it. Last night I confessed my transgressions to my training buddy (whether I’m attending a group or not accountability is very important) and arranged to meet up with him today for, well, training!

Weigh in is tomorrow morning and I’m not sure how it’s going to go, especially as I ate lots of bread yesterday (bring on the bloat) and I’m having a super late dinner tonight. Hopefully I get a maintain, I’ll be happy with that.

Now let me get on and tell you about the emotional rollercoaster ride I’ve been on lately, with the express permission of the aforementioned training buddy.

First let me give you a bit of back story. The last time I made a real good friend at work was about two years ago now. He’d been there for a few months when I started to get the impression that he was vaguely human and I went out of my way to try and talk to him. I do not find that easy. When he moved to my department I tried to encourage him, because I could see that he was going to be a good forklift driver, but it still took me about another twelve months before I became comfortable around him and could count him amongst that elite group of my most excellent friends.

The point I’m trying to make? I do NOT make friends easily – it takes a long, long time. At least that’s what usually happens.

Then my training buddy starts talking to me, and flips my usual system on its head entirely. Within a matter of weeks I have become so incredibly comfortable around him, it’s actually bonkers. I don’t know how this happened. Who even am I?

Especially with work people, normally by now I’d be at the stage of having friendly yet stilted conversation, and mild panic about how much eye contact should be made if I pass them either leaving or entering the building. I am not exaggerating.

Yet I’ve been running with this man, something I thought I couldn’t do in front of anyone, ever. So it’s no wonder that I started falling for this amazing person who has brought out so many good things in me. How could I not?

When I split up with my ex I honestly thought I was done with any kind of romantic feelings. It didn’t happen straight away, but as I started learning to live my life without constantly thinking I should have a romantic partner, I started to love my single life. I still do. I became more independent, but I also started to value existing friendships more and to get excited about forging new ones.

I learned so much about myself – what I do and don’t like, what makes me happy, what makes me miserable and what I want for the future (a dark concept that never held much appeal until recently).

But even so, though all of those things still stand, I was now faced with a situation where I had feelings for someone and it was actually transformative.

All of a sudden things became clear in my mind – I knew that it was unlikely that things would go exactly the way I would like (i.e. he would sweep me off my feet, tell me he felt exactly the same and kiss me passionately) so in all likelihood I would be setting myself up for a crushing rejection.

The difference between me now and me a few years ago is that current Hayley decided that it was worth the risk. This is partly testament to how lovely my friend is, and partly that I’m effing strong.

This me knows that if my feelings aren’t returned then it’s not because I’m worthless. Of course there are nagging doubts (I’m too fat, too tall, too weird… whatever…) but ultimately I know full well that I have a lot to offer a potential partner and that their life would be better for having me in it.

I’ve been feeling awesome these last few weeks. My friend has given me a huge injection of confidence, and I feel lighter (not in weight, but in myself, although I am physically lighter too!) and happier. I’ve been smiling more, I’ve been dancing at work (unheard of) and in the shower and generally loving life. And if things didn’t go the way I wanted, then I decided I’d continue riding the wave of feeling awesome no matter what and just revel in the fact that I was actually brave enough to put myself on the line and tell him how I feel.

Which is lucky, because it did NOT go the way I hoped! After I made the decision to actually tell him, I was then faced with two agonising weeks before I could actually carry out the deed. What with illnesses and the weather I thought I’d never get to do it!

But I told him today, and short of the previously-mentioned fantasy scenario I probably couldn’t have asked for a better outcome. I am certainly no closer to changing my single status than I was this time yesterday, but I still feel good. I sure as hell don’t feel crushed, especially as my awesome friend never once made me feel that the reason he doesn’t want me is because of any shortcoming on my part. Which is good, at least he realises that I am lovely!

I mostly feel like, ok, it’s not meant to be so that’s that. I don’t feel that if I’d done something differently then there’d be a different outcome, it simply is what it is.

Best of all (because this is the thing I had worried most about) our most amazing friendship is completely intact. And that really is the most important thing. I’ve fallen for friends in the past, and when I’ve wanted to remain friends I’ve always said out loud that I wouldn’t risk the friendship for love (or lust, whichever!) but it was never true. I was actually just hoping that they’d change their minds given time. They never did by the way…

In this case it is true – this is one friendship you do not take lightly because they don’t come along often. To mess this up would have been devastating. As it is we had a great training session after me dropping my little truth bomb, then I was treated to a delicious and veggie-filled healthy lunch.

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I’ve also got to admit that there was a certain amount of relief in not facing the prospect of getting naked in front of anyone just yet. Losing 7 stone is not kind on the body and I’m glad to have extra time to come to terms with that. Look at me, still looking for those silver linings!

I have so much coming up to look forward to – I really don’t have a thing to complain about!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

About Hayleyhttp://hayleyslims.wordpress.comCrazy bird lady, vegan, weight loss and fitness enthusiast, lover of photography

2 thoughts on “Rollercoaster

  1. I take my hat of to you. I really admire your courage, but also your positivity. I am really, really happy to read that you have acquired so much self confidence that you don’t let bad thoughts get you down. That’s absolutely awesome. You are right to be damn proud of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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