A year ago today I’d had a delivery from ASOS. I was going out with the people from work and I’d bought something that I was sure would cover me up sufficiently and be relatively flattering. But then I took some photos and the truth was revealed.
You can see by the look on my face how happy I am about that particular purchase! That outfit never saw the light of day, and by the time I remembered to try it on again it was too big. It went to the charity shop to find a new owner and start a new life. Fast forward to now and sometimes I still see that person looking back at me, because I’m not really sure what I look like any more.
I was talking to a chap at work who is about half a foot shorter than me, and he was telling me how he’s 13-stone-something, and although he’s happy with his weight he’s going to the gym because he wants to be fitter and get more muscle definition. Which is cool. But then it occurred to me that although men naturally have more muscle tone and all that guff, I’m not actually that much heavier than him. It’s just mind boggling, I can’t get my head around it, because this chap is just totally normal-looking. To think that I’m just two stone away from being his weight is just unbelievable!
I’m so used to thinking of myself as huge, I don’t know how to think of myself now. How big am I? I don’t even know.
I tried on another dress last week that I bought about six months ago and although looking at it now I can see how well I’ve done, sometimes I look at the same pictures and see something else entirely. It all depends on what mood I’m in, so how can I ever be sure that I look OK? The truth is that I can’t, I can only go by how I feel at the time. One day I’ll look back at this picture and not like what I see, but right now I’m really pleased! Or perhaps even next week I’ll come across it and despair at how far I have to go. Then the next minute I’ll be marvelling at how far I’ve come. It’s hard work living in my brain sometimes!
I also wonder about how I’ll feel when I eventually stop losing weight. I know there will be other goals to consider, especially fitness ones, but it’ll be weird to not put so much importance on getting smaller. One thing I am looking forward to when it comes to target though is making some environmentally conscious fashion choices. On the one hand I love the idea of going to Primark and picking up a whole wardrobe’s-worth of cheap clothes, but deep down I’d probably rather invest in a few better quality pieces that are going to last me years. I’ve just bought some vegan shoes which should break in like real leather (plus they’re gorgeous) so I’ll make sure I keep them in good order and get them resoled when it’s needed. And possibly start wearing the other 20 pairs of shoes I already have?
Ethical clothing is expensive, so I was reading about alternatives like clothes swaps. There’s also the fact that seasonal clothes can go into storage and come out again next year. Imagine consistently being the same size over a year! It’s something I hadn’t even considered until now. Imagine having a friend you could swap clothes with. Crazy!
I’m filled with excitement and apprehension about how things are going to go in the coming months, I’m just trying to find a balance between being patient, keeping the momentum going, staying motivated and also enjoying the ride.
At the moment I want everything NOW, but nothing that good ever came easy.
It’s hard, but totally worth it.