Week 32 Confessions

I have something quite important to tell you today. I’ve decided to ‘come out’ and let you know how much I weigh. I never revealed this at the beginning of the blog out of fear that someone I know would stumble across it, but just lately I’ve found I don’t care about that quite so much. In fact I’ve found myself caring less about a few things, and I have a theory as to why that is. One of the things is loose skin. I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past (and regained it each time) and I think that when I’ve been at a lower weight the loose skin has affected my frame of mind. It’s almost a ‘well I still look like crap even when I’m thin so I might as well eat crap’ kind of attitude. The thing is though, it wasn’t true. Looking back on old photos I looked pretty good, but I couldn’t see it at the time.

When you lose drastic amounts of weight loose skin is a given, there’s no point pretending it isn’t. Of course some people’s will ‘bounce back’ better than others, but mine didn’t and won’t. And I’m OK with that now. I think it’s because I’ve stopped seeing myself through other people’s eyes. I used to worry about what potential partners would think when they saw me naked. At the moment I couldn’t care less about getting a partner, but even if the opportunity did arise I’ve realised how important it would be for me to find a person whose first consideration when deciding to chat to someone isn’t whether they are blonde or have a shapely behind. I’m not saying I take people solely based on their personalities, I am human after all, but I don’t just automatically find certain features attractive. In my entire life I’ve only been truly attracted to two people before knowing them. One was just in passing so I never got to find out what he was like, and the other I went off of pretty quickly after getting to know him. He’s nice and all and I enjoy chatting with him from time to time, but certainly nothing ever clicked there.

I work with a lot of really shallow people at the moment, and I started to get a little dismayed until I remembered that not everyone is like that. I walked past a lady coming in from another shift this morning and the first thing I noticed is that she had an expression like she’d trodden in dog poop as she walked along (not that I care, it was 6am. Maybe she’s not a morning person or was already having a bad day) but anyway I heard a couple of guys behind me saying that she was ‘peng’ (I think that means nice looking) and it astounded me that in that split second we had picked up on such different things. I just thought she looked like any of the other women walking in who were up at an obscene hour, but she was petite, blonde and slim and to some people I know, that is literally all that matters. Whether someone is kind or intelligent, funny or thoughtful is neither here nor there. You can’t be too big, or too small, or too ordinary, but you also can’t be too alternative. You can have a short haircut but you mustn’t look too much like a boy, and you have to make an effort but not too much of an effort. Who could even live up to those impossible standards?

Since I stopped wondering what these kinds of people must think of me when they look at me, I have become so much happier. Since I started to do things entirely for myself, losing weight being the most important, it all became so much easier. I’m not trying to impress anyone except me, and I’m just feeling better and better every single day.

So, on to the weight! I am now on week 32 of my current Slimming World journey. As you can see from the graph there was something of a false start. This accounts for 12 weeks of messing about and regaining almost everything I lost. Bar 2lbs. I took action and transferred my online membership to group at that point!

I have also just decided on my final target weight. I was a bit reluctant to do this at first because it’s still so far away- I need another 1lb loss before I even tip the halfway mark. But it’s not something I intend to think about very often. I use my Fitbit app to track my smaller goals, the next one being 15st 13lbs. I need 1lb before I’m in the 16’s, which is going to be amazing. I remember the last time I was 16-and-a-half stone and I felt great. But to be in the 15’s? If you had asked me whether I thought that would be achievable this time last year I would have cried into my 20″ doner meat pizza. No really. At that time I was struggling to stay on plan for 24 hours before having a massive binge, but look at me now! Another mini goal is to get my BMI under 30 and I’m pretty close. BMI is not something I set much store by, but it’s always nice to see the numbers go down.

One of my further-away goals, again that I’m not thinking too much about until I’m closer to it, is to get to 14st 6lbs. The last time I was a Slimming World member in 2013 I got down to 14st 7lbs in under a year, so I’d like to beat that weight by the end of this one.

As for my ultimate target weight, the lowest I’ve been as an adult is 12st 12lbs. I was really ill at the time- taking dodgy diet pills I got from a ‘Slimming Clinic’, which was actually a tanning salon with a doctor who came once a fortnight to prescribe the pills, and I was just about to have my gallbladder out so eating anything with fat in it was entirely out of the question. So I’m looking forward to getting back there healthily and happily. Plus it will give me a nice total weight loss of 8st 8lbs, although this isn’t really true because my highest ever recorded weight would make it closer to 10st. But I’m only really paying attention to my current Slimming World stats, otherwise it all gets a bit confusing!

I’m talking about all these grand goals and targets, but it was weigh in yesterday and I lost one pound. In the past I would have been disappointed by this, but I’ve finally accepted that I’m on a lifelong journey and I’m not always going to get big losses. I think I’m so happy with this week’s loss because I did an absolute ton of exercise, ‘Star Week’ is fast approaching and I don’t feel depressed, and although I’m achy from my workouts I feel fitter than I have in my entire life. Achieving that and losing weight this week is a win in my book.

Hayley x

About Hayleyhttp://hayleyslims.wordpress.comCrazy bird lady, vegan, weight loss and fitness enthusiast, lover of photography

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