At the beginning of July I felt pretty awesome. A man I know started coming on to me, and at first it was kind of fun and an ego boost. Then I thought ‘I’m too fat to do this’ and of course in my mind the solution to that was to eat EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. So I put on half a stone in the two weeks he was messaging me every day. Just when I started to think that he genuinely didn’t care about my size and that I’d just go for it and see how things panned out, he suddenly started ignoring me. So that was the end of that, but I felt pretty low. I realised how much of my self-esteem I’d pinned on his approval in such a short space of time. It was pretty frightening and a helluva wake up call. I really need to learn to be happy with myself, just for me.
In general, male interests aside, I feel pretty awful right now. Because none of my clothes fit, my knees hurt, I’m tired, out of breath, my skin is horrible… and it’s all because of my weight. I need to sort this stuff out. Especially my knees. I have a huge passion for photography and often I have to crouch down to get the shots I want. Getting down isn’t such an issue, but getting up is becoming harder and harder. I’m only in my early thirties, I’m too young to be having these problems!
In April this year I got a pet bird (although pet isn’t really the right word, she’s so much more to me than that) and I’m so careful about what I feed her. She has fresh fruits and vegetables every day, plus pellets which give her the nutrition she needs without adding too much fat to her diet. Then she has some millet or some seeds purely for treats/training purposes. I put so much effort into making sure she stays healthy (if I do this she could live for over 20 years) yet I don’t pay attention to what I’m eating at all, unless I’m deciding what to order from the McDonald’s drive-through…
Earlier this year I did lose some weight, but yesterday I weighed myself and confirmed I’ve put nearly all of it back on. I feel so much worse than I did then though. So back on plan for me it is, and this time I need to stop making excuses.
On Saturday we had a family barbecue and I bought so much food and drink it was unbelievable. The next day I admitted to myself how easy it would have been to make it so much healthier, but I felt that somehow I’d be missing out. It’s such twisted thinking because the more I eat the more I’m missing out on life. Next week I’m going away for a couple of days with my sister and I’m NOT going to use that as an excuse to go off plan already. M&S do loads of healthy food that doesn’t need cooking, and I’ve already found one right near the b&b we’re staying at. I am going to lose weight this month no matter what, and I’m not going to stop until I’m healthy. No more messing about!