Increments

Every day, I wake up feeling just a little bit better. Things still aren’t perfect – my inner voice tried everything in its power to stop me weighing in yesterday.You see, I haven’t been entirely sensible. Since I’ve caught the reading bug lately, once I start a book I find it really hard to stop reading until it’s finished. Will I ever learn moderation? With ANYTHING? I really hope so!

Over the weekend I finished one book then read a further two entire novels, going to sleep at 4am one day and 5am the next. On the plus side I stayed in a nights pattern (handy for work), but on the downside when I had to get up earlier than usual to go to my Slimming World group, I most certainly did not want to.

Reading is a very worthwhile pursuit, but as a result of my current habits I’ve barely moved. As such I was also worried about not having a great first week as far as the diet goes.

As usual I needn’t have worried – I only went and lost 8.5 pounds! I’ve been saying every year since 2017 that the current year I’m in will be the one I get to target, but I honestly think this is the one.

What’s different this time? Well, I’ve made so many mistakes over those years, which have turned into a lot of valuable lessons. I know that I can’t stick to plan when I feel especially down, and I know that I can’t prevent myself feeling that way without help. I always feel a twinge of guilt when the antidepressants kick in, like I don’t deserve to feel better because I didn’t ‘earn’ it by myself. Which is so dumb. I’d never think that about another person in the same situation in a million years. It’s about acceptance now. This is how it is, and this is what’s going to help me move forward.

If I lose an average of 1.25 pounds per week, then I’ll be at target in time for the beginning of December. If I lose more than that (which I know I can do and expect I will) I may even by at target in time for my birthday in October, but I’m not putting too much pressure on myself as far as that goes.

I’m now aiming for a nice and steady 2 pounds off per week. Sometimes it’ll be more, sometimes it’ll be less. But that’s what I’m working towards anyway.

Despite not being as active as I like, last week was nicely productive. I slept for an average of about 9 hours a day, I stayed on top of my chores, and I even got some art done.

Staying on top of the chores has been instrumental. As soon as I feel down, after food that’s the next thing to go. Stuff ends up everywhere until I can’t see the floor, so I’ve been determined to stop that from happening. Small changes have really helped, such as making sure the bed is made every day and laying out my work clothes before I go to bed.

Because I didn’t have a wreck to sort through once the weekend arrived, I was able to do some fun stuff.

For Christmas I bought my sister (an art teacher) a really cool sketch book. It comes from the states, and once you’ve filled it, you send it back and it ends up on permanent display in a gallery in Brooklyn. I liked the idea so much, that I bought one for myself, too.

What I didn’t consider at the time, is how difficult it would be to fill in the first page. All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with anxiety because everyone else’s would be better than mine. It therefore took until last Monday for me to even make a mark inside it.

Now I’ve started though, I’m loving it! Nothing I’ve done is perfect (in particular I did a sketch of Newton which has much too small a snoot) but it. Does. Not. Matter.

I’ve had some materials to play around with making stamps and doing some printing for months, but hadn’t touched it for the exact same reason – fear of failure. But this weekend I got it all out and had a damn try.

I had fun, AND I liked the results. Plus there’s one print to go in the sketch book. It’s also an extremely satisfying craft to play around with.

Back at work last night, I was doing a particularly physical job with a lot of walking, pushing and lifting. I’ve stopped drinking evil energy drinks (I’ve been trying to cut those out for a while now) but despite moving more in that shift than I had done in the last three weeks combined, I struggled to get to sleep this morning.

It felt good, and I know I need to start building my activity up again. Now the weather is less apocalyptic, it should be a lot easier to get myself outside. Not today though. Today I ache.

As such, it’s time to go back to bed for my pre-work nap.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

So Fresh

I’ve had this WordPress account since 2012, and various different blogging projects have come and gone. Last year I rather fancily upgraded to a premium account, but this year I’m being sensible (ish) with money, so the premium has to go.

This presents a problem, because I’ll lose out on storage and I’ve blogged a lot of photographs. They simply won’t fit when I get downgraded. So I decided to wipe the slate clean and start completely over.

This comes at an opportune time, because I’m doing other kinds of starting over too.

I took a complete break from Slimming World for a few weeks, and to be quite honest, spent a lot of time curled up in bed in the fetal position. It hasn’t been a great.

Last year was really tough, with lots of changes and lots of challenges. But when everything eventually calmed down, I realised there was still something seriously wrong. I didn’t have any destructive romantic interest in my life. My family was healthy. I had a roof over my head, enough money to live comfortably, friends I could talk to and rely on. Yet I felt worse than ever. How could that be?

I spent way too long looking for some elusive thing I could change in my life, in the belief that when I found it, everything else would magically fall into place.

I thought if I could find the exact right time to go to sleep and the exact right time to wake up, it would fix everything. If I could find the exact right things to eat, everything would be ok. If I exercised for the optimum amount of days per week, I’d be happy again.

Unsurprisingly, none of it helped. When I realised I could barely force myself to leave my bed and it became a battle to get through a single night at work, I figured it was time to see the doctor.

I was prescribed antidepressants, which take 2-3 weeks to build up in your system and start to making a difference. It’s now day 13, and right on cue, I can feel the darkness lifting.

While they were kicking in (they also make you feel worse before they make you feel better) I curled up under my duvet at every available opportunity and obsessed. My brain was telling me that the pills wouldn’t work, that there was no hope. It didn’t help that every time I had a reasonably good day, it was followed by a really bad one. I had to keep reminding myself, over and over, to just hang in there, to just keep going. I read to distract myself, and have demolished seven books so far this month. That’s a new personal record.

Then just like that, an ok day was followed by another one, then another one.

Until now, every time I made an attempt at anything, be it weight loss, getting my spending under control, exercise, keeping my room tidy… I’d have overwhelming thoughts of there being no point to it all, that I’d just fail anyway. It was all so tiring.

I knew deep down that it was nonsense, that I can do anything I put my mind to, but the depression wouldn’t let me hold those thoughts in my mind. It pushed everything positive right out of me.

Since I now have space in my brain for good things, last night I got my butt back to Slimming World. I rejoined a closer group, which is just around the corner from me. I stopped going there originally because it’s on a Tuesday and I have to work after, but I’ve realised with proper planning I can get a nice nap in before work and it should work out ok. I’ve actually learned how to clear my mind and relax myself enough to get to sleep quickly, which is a massive bonus.

As it happens, I’m the heaviest I’ve been since May 2017. Yet it’s not a complete disaster.

I got my mum to take a fresh ‘before’ picture of me, to go on this freshest of new posts along with this fresh new start. Looking at it now, I’ve been in complete denial at how much weight I’ve put on. I haven’t properly seen myself in months, yet here it is, clear as day.

I am quite pleased that I managed to squeeze into one of my favourite outfits, because I really didn’t think I’d manage to get it on at all. Thankfully we did not have to call the fire brigade to cut me out of it again, but it was a close call.

I hunted down some pictures that I thought I had deleted from May last year. Rather than being utterly dismayed at the difference, I am for once more excited and focused to get back to that point than I am disappointed and angry at myself.

I visited my sister on Monday and got her to take yet another comparison shot, but this time I wasn’t the main focus. Whilst I certainly am bigger in the second photo than I am in the first one (taken last October) the change is not quite as dramatic as in young Newton.

Look at how handsome and grown up he is!

I did manage to get out on one river walk with my little brother, between storms that is, and although it wasn’t the most inspiring of walks ever we are definitely going back later on in the year. We are going to hire a boat, and hopefully not drown. I bet the area will be transformed with a bit of sunshine.

Once the wind has died down and I can be reasonably certain that my woodland walks are not going to result in a tree falling on my head, I’ll start increasing my exercise again, too. Better days are undoubtedly just around the corner.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x