Go Get It!

I’m up again, I’m really up! Hopefully this isn’t a temporary high and I can keep this feeling for a while. I think I can. It’s day three of being back on plan and I’m feeling strong – saying NO to my friend and putting my foot down has strengthened my resolve no end.

Yesterday I ate plenty of decent food and didn’t feel deprived even once.

Today I’m excited about everything. I got up early and after a breakfast of wheat biscuits and coconut drink (my A and B choices on Slimming World) I walked to the local shopping centre to do various bits and bobs that needed doing.

When I got home I was famished so I cooked a proper lunch. Here we have sweet potato chips (oven cooked in Fry Light), broccoli and Fry’s Family Foods chicken style burgers. They may not be your cup of tea if you don’t like to be reminded of junk food, but if you do want a little bit of that taste then these burgers taste super naughty. They are 2 syns each, which I learned off by heart some time ago. I couldn’t believe they were that low in syns from the way they taste, so I re-checked the values over and over.

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Even today, I have checked Syns Online about five times just to make sure! I enjoyed my lunch so much that I had them again for dinner.

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If you fancy trying them, they sell them in Holland & Barrett and Ocado. They’re not the cheapest, but they have the holy trinity of being vegan, tasty and low syn! Oh and as a bonus they cook really quickly too.

More excitement comes from a revelation I only just had – I COMPLETELY forgot about step aerobics. It’s low impact so I can strengthen my leg muscles without damaging my knee, plus I really, really enjoy it! I haven’t done it for ages, but I still don’t know why it didn’t occur to me until now. I literally facepalmed when I remembered. I already have a step, there are thousands of free videos on YouTube and luckily we’ve recently rearranged the living room so there’s plenty of space for me to get right into it.

Perfect.

This afternoon I got some flowers from a friend for helping out his friend who is going through a real rough patch at the moment. He had an appointment to speak to a therapist online, but being 75 and partially sighted him trying to do this on a tablet or phone is just downright ridiculous. So I did the typing for him and asked for someone to actually call next time. I mean, who thought that would be a good idea? Help for people with mental illnesses is so seriously lacking, it makes me wonder what he would have done if he didn’t have people around to help him.

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Thankfully that’s one thing he doesn’t have to worry about.

Finally, the last thing I’m excited about is joining a new Slimming World group. I got my voucher through the post today and will be popping along to a group on Monday evening. I actually can’t wait. I know what I want, and I’m going to go get it!

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Before then I’m having a BBQ on Saturday (Slimming World-style) and going out walking somewhere with my brother on Sunday.

There is much to look forward to!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Prep

Last night at work was physically and emotionally exhausting, but rather than push me towards food at this particular moment in time I’ve managed to focus that energy into something good.

I’m going round a friends for dinner today and despite being  pressured into going off plan I have prepped all of my food. There is absolutely no chance of me getting hungry while I’m there. Believe me, I’ve got this covered!

I went through a stage of putting soya beans with everything, then I went off plan for a while and forgot all about them. I found a couple of bags in the freezer the other day and remembered why I love them so much – they cook in five minutes, they’re tasty and most importantly they’re really filling. I’ll try to remember to eat them the next time I’m feeling that my tummy is a bottomless pit and nothing will ever satisfy me.

The food I’m taking with me is kale, sweet potato, cucumber, tomatoes, corn-on-the-cob, strawberries, raspberries, blackberries (all Free and Speed) with Alpro Plain with Almond (2 syns), Alpro Go On (1.5 syns), and two Linda McCartney Pulled Pork Burgers (2 syns). That is good value for syns indeed.

I’ve also started on a motivational area above my desk, and I’m going to cross off every remaining day of this month that I spend on plan. I want the full house, which really helped me stick to my guns when I was being cajolled into eating rubbish.

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There’s also a little present to myself that’s been hanging there for months, which I’ll open when I get my 7.5 stone award. It’s been there so long, it’ll be a big deal when I finally get there. And I know it won’t be too long!

Yesterday in general was good. A friend came to look at my car and it seems it’s a wheel bearing that’s gone, and he’s kindly going to take my car to a garage next week to get it fixed. I always feel really intimidated going to garages so I’m pleased I don’t have to do it myself, and of course very pleased that it’s nothing too serious.

After that we went to a bootsale together, where traditionally I would only be thinking about food. There is a patisserie stall that’s there every week, but thankfully they no longer sell a single thing I can eat. The same goes for the van where I’d previously have bought a steak roll.

As such I didn’t buy anything, but still went away with just under 3.5 miles under my belt.

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That, plus having a really nice catch up with my friend was my happy thing for yesterday. That’s also one really satisfying route that Map My Run recorded, excluding the little wiggle at the end where we couldn’t find the car…

Finally, I’m worried that my moods might not be helped if I’m lacking in certain bits and bobs. A friend told me that a lack of omega 3 can be problematic, so although I take cheap flaxseed tablets that contain ALA omega 3 fats, I decided to upgrade to the more expensive ones which contain EPA and DHA. Apparently they’re supposed to be better for you, so it’s worth a try. I also must remember to take my general supplements, mainly for the B12 because a deficiency in that is really nasty indeed. Basically I just need to practice some self-care and all will be well.

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By the way even if you’re a meat eater it’s still worth making sure you get enough B12. I know a couple of you who have had deficiencies and it’s not nice at all! Look after yourselves people.

Anyway I must be off now because a lovely cool shower is calling my name.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Happiness

I messed up, and I messed up bad. My moods have been up and down like a yo-yo, and for the last two days I have eaten so much I’m quite sure I’ve done a huge amount of damage. I thought about waiting till I lost some weight before posting again because to be honest I’m feeling pretty ashamed, but I’d be doing everyone involved a disservice if I wasn’t open about it on here.

The problem is, I’m desperately unhappy right now, and I find it next to impossible to stick to plan when I feel like that.

Before I started to lose weight properly, coming up to two years ago, I made changes to my life so that I could be happy. Or at least have a nice enough life so that when I wasn’t happy (you can’t be happy all the time) I was at least not feeling terrible.

Now that has all flipped on its head, because I’m allowing outside influences to mess with my head. It’s got to stop, and it’s got to stop NOW. If I’m going to succeed (and I will) I need to get back to my old mindset.

I was doing so well when Mr. S came into my life, and at the time I thought it was him keeping me on the straight and narrow. It wasn’t, it’s just that I was so happy I was keeping myself on the straight and narrow. Now he’s actively making me sad, and if I’m honest he seems to be enjoying it. This is happening at work, so I’ve told him we need to talk. I will not allow it to continue. God knows when I’ll get the chance though because getting him alone has been next to impossible. In the meantime I just have to keep my cool and try not to give the situation too much headspace.

As ever, after a couple of days of struggling I’m formulating a plan.

As soon as I woke up today I got online and transferred my Slimming World membership to group. I’m finding that my support network is not quite doing the job and I’m in need of people in my real life (as opposed to just my internet life) who understand that the only way to succeed is through kindness and understanding. I need to be around people who don’t call me a ‘f*cking idiot’ when I slip.

I didn’t have much luck with my Tuesday group last time, and it was just before work so it didn’t really suit me in that way either. But I’ve found a Monday evening group (I have Mondays off) that might just work out. It means I’ll have to drive which is not ideal, especially as my car is currently sounding like it’s on death’s door (please don’t let it me the head gasket…) but I can’t put if off because of that. If I have trouble with transport I can always weigh in at a local group for the time being.

The thing that really puts me off is that it’s at 7.30pm so I’ll have to eat before I go, but I need to get a grip. If I’m eating a sensible meal before every weigh in then the losses will show. It’ll also be a novel experience to sit through group without my tummy growling!

At work I have volunteered to do the more physical job for three of my shifts next week. The only reason I won’t be doing the whole week is because I’m needed on my own department towards the weekend, otherwise I would have done the lot.

I’m still a little worried about my knee, so I won’t push the running thing if I don’t feel up to it but will still keep active. To be honest it’s probably better that I drop a few pounds before going back to it so that there’s not so much pressure on my joints. It sucks, because I know a run would make me feel so much better! When I’m done here I’m going to get on the exercise bike, at least long enough to get some endorphins pumping through my bloodstream.

In the meantime I need to focus on the little things, and try to take something positive away from each day. Yesterday it was going out for a little walk up to Hadleigh Castle. It was a beautiful day and there was such a lovely breeze up there.

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I’m going to try to post about a nice little thing every day, because I WILL find my happy place. I did it once and I can do it again.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Excitement

Well today I just haven’t been able to settle. I mean, it’s so exciting isn’t it? Oh, you thought I was talking about this ‘football’ that people seem so interested in right now? Nope, today all I’ve been able to think about is a big old plate of fried red onions.

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Weird? Me? You bet.

I haven’t had fried onions in about a year and all of a sudden I had a hankering for them. There are four large onions condensed into that pile, but considering there aren’t going to be many people at work tonight then I shouldn’t have to worry too much about any possible… after effects.

In all seriousness though, I’ve found it so, so hard to stay on plan today. I had my A+B choices as soon as I got in from work and was still hungry when I woke up. I had a big lunch and was still hungry. Thankfully dinner seems to have finally satisfied me, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve eaten too much today.

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That’s what Free Food is there for though, and it’s not like I’ve just been eating for the sake of it. It’s just that when I’m freshly back on plan I always feel extra guilty. Which is silly, because the Slimming World plan is so focussed on letting go of that guilt. I’ll keep on trying though.

The important thing is that I didn’t crack, and it’s the first time I’ve had such a strong urge and have been able to control it in longer than I can remember. A pat on the back for Hayley!

Last night at work was unexpectedly motivating. My manager, who was outwardly supportive and positive about my journey from the beginning said he honestly expected me to last about six months before I put the weight back on. I’m so incredibly grateful he kept those negative thoughts to himself though because they could have been really damaging at the time.

He confessed that he can’t remember what I used to look like, which makes me very happy indeed. However I am taking in a picture tonight to remind him, because that’s always fun to do. It’s good for me to remind myself too. If you feel like deleting all the photos of the ‘old you’ and erasing that part of your history, then PLEASE DON’T!

For one you could be wiping records of so many precious memories, even if they might be tinged with pain, but also it’s so useful to look back and see how far you’ve come. It’s how I’m able to look at this picture of me, taken a few minutes ago with pride.

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Hair isn’t done, no make-up, spotty face, messy room… It doesn’t matter. This Hayley is still so much happier than this one:

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And I put on another two stone after that picture was taken! Look at her, crammed into a camping chair that was threatening to collapse under the weight, bloated, struggling to breathe her jeans were so tight… I need to see pictures like this. I need to look at it and not be able to recognise myself, and to know in my heart of hearts that I won’t go back there.

And THAT is why I ate four red onions for dinner, instead of four peanut butter and jam sandwiches.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

13

Things always feel better after a marvellous sleep. Last night/this morning/this afternoon I spent about 15 hours in bed, and 13 of those was spent being most wonderfully, restfully unconscious. I really think I needed that.

In fact I was so relaxed I nearly talked myself out of going for a walk, but positive comments on my last post made me change my mind. It goes to show how much of difference people cheering you on has. Being negative just doesn’t give the same results! I cannot tell you how grateful I am for the help I get from you incredible internet peoples.

Do you know, I think things are on the up (she says, tentatively). My knee has been so painful it’s been waking me in my sleep but last night there was none of that, and out walking today it only hurt when going downhill. It might get aggravated at work where I’ll be driving my forklift all night, but I’m cautiously optimistic. If it keeps up like this then next week I will try three runs. I’ll start off with 1 mile, have a rest day, do 2 miles, another rest day, then finally I’ll do 3 miles.

I have everything crossed that I can, because I’ve just bought some brand new trainers from Will’s Vegan Shoes. I started to break them in yesterday and they are soooooo good – perfect amount of grip and bounce, and I like the style too. I reckon they’ll be great to run in.

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They look kinda wrecked already but I assure you they aren’t. It’s just the dry weather we’ve been having, everything’s just so dusty! I love that they don’t have proper laces, too. There’s no chance of them coming undone which is brilliant. Even if I find I can’t run in future, these will definitely have their uses.

It’s a bit cooler today and my walk was really nice. It’s much more like last year’s summer, where is was warm but mostly the sky was covered in a blanket of cloud.

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I saw the piggies on the way back, and one of them was either snoring or being possessed by a demon. I’m not entirely sure which…

Pea had the vet’s yesterday and that was a relief. Her poops have gone back to normal now and everything else seems fine, so it must have been her perch that was affecting things. So that perch has now been replaced, and Pea has gone back to sitting on my shoulder most of the time.

While we were in the waiting room I couldn’t have her covered as it was way too hot for her, but she didn’t seem stressed at all. Everyone who saw her instantly fell in love – she’s such a sweet bird!

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It’s also crazy that’s she so small and light she can perch on a fold in a tea towel. Such a tiny bird, but such a big personality.

Finally I had a yummy, completely on plan dinner which I managed to eat just as the sun decided to make an appearance. It’s a shame I have work later, but I always burn more calories there so it has its uses.

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That’s three days of being on plan under my belt now, and I’m feeling like I’m in control again. I weighed myself and I’m back to my 7 stone loss, which is really important to me. It’s kind of my everything-will-be-ok-as-long-as-I-have-this-total-loss point, if that makes sense. Unfortunately it’s at this stage a nasty little voice in my head tells me that we can eat a load of rubbish and undo any damage we do in a few days.

The annoying thing is, the voice is absolutely right, so it’s tempting to listen to it. The problem with that is, I’ve been doing exactly that for weeks and weeks. So I’m ignoring the voice, carrying on with Food Optimising and I’m finally going to reach my gosh darn target weight!

I’d best get ready for work now anyway. Inner voice, consider yourself ignored!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Making Progress

I think one of the reasons I’m so unhappy at the moment is because I stopped making progress, but that is all about to change. During the first half of the year almost finding myself in a relationship actually set me back a long way in terms of self esteem – I was plagued with feelings of inadequacy and it’s only now I’m starting to see how skewed my perceptions were.

If someone, whether intentionally or not, makes you feel that you are too fat to be worthy of them, then they are not the one. If you offer everything you have in terms of emotional support and encourage them in everything they do, but when you confess that you’re struggling a bit with your moods and you get the (abruptly delivered) response ‘everyone has ups and downs, THAT’S LIFE’ then they are not the one. If everything you say and do gets instantly dismissed then, guess what, they are not the one.

In my very last post I talked about how excited I was, and I went to work buzzing. I told Mr. S that I was feeling good and the response? ‘Is this one of your speeches where you say you’re going to be good on your diet then go back on it the next day?’

Practically overnight I’ve realised that I’m not getting treated properly not because I did anything wrong or I’m not good enough, but because the person in question just doesn’t really care about me that much. Not as much as I want or need them to, anyway. Maybe it’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are. And that’s fine, but in that case I can’t be putting myself in that kind of environment.

My self esteem is on the up. I have realised that I make a damn good girlfriend. I’m extremely low maintenance. It’s easy to make me laugh, I like small, thoughtful gestures that don’t cost much (if anything), I don’t care about your status, your finances, whether you have a house or not, I just care if you’re kind and I want you to be happy. I would like you to wear a fresh pair of pants (Every. Single. Day.) but other than that I’m easy going.

If I had 10% back of the emotional support and understanding I give out then I’d be a very happy girl indeed, but as of yet I’ve been unable to find someone who fits that description. The important thing though? THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Things with Mr. S have been weird. I told him I just want to be friends, but I don’t think he took me seriously because nothing has really changed. This is partially my fault, because I have still been craving his affection. So when he has kissed me or held my hand, I’ve let it happen. But now I need to set boundaries.

It’s been an important learning curve though, because I have a much clearer idea of what I do and don’t want, and at some point in the near future I am going to be proactive and go out there and get it.

But right now I’m being selfish and focusing on ME. Healthy eating is now my number one priority, closely followed by fitness. This week I’m going to be ‘doing a Davey‘ and concentrating on walking, because this particular blogger sure has shown us all how incredibly beneficial it is to your health and wellbeing. I love running, but there’s no such thing as ‘just‘ walking to increase your fitness. It’s actually bloody magical!

Yesterday morning I had a stroll to the Co-op to pick up plant milk for my Healthy Extras, then I went over to Lidl for my veg. I did try soya milk from Lidl last week and it is absolutely vile. It tastes like aquafaba smells (that’s the juice from a tin of chickpeas), so although it is cheap I’ll be sticking to my more-than-three-times-the-price coconut milk from Co-op, thank-you-very-much.

By the evening I still hadn’t done quite enough Body Magic so before bed I went out for another walk up to the local church on the hill which is always rather pretty. Plus there was a deliciously cool breeze up there, and afterwards everything felt that little bit better.

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Now I’m up from 6th of 4th on the Fitbit leaderboard. I’m climbing the ladder back up to 1st, slowly but surely!

As such after I’m finished here I’m off for another walk. And I’m very much looking forward to it.

My food has been excellent – a couple of days ago I had a delicious dinner of ‘mock duck’. It is quite expensive – I got mine from Holland and Barrett and I’m pretty sure it was over £2 for quite a small tin – but it’s worth it. However, please don’t be put off by the fact it looks like cat food. And perhaps a little too realistic once it’s out of the tin.

The important thing(s) though is that it’s Free on Slimming World, and with 2 Syns of hoisin sauce stirred in it’s absolutely lovely. I think you can eat the juice it’s in as it says on the tin ‘braised gluten in gravy’, but I tipped it down the sink. It sure doesn’t look like gravy to me…

Anyway, it looks a lot nicer once cooked, I think you’ll agree.

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Right, it’s time to get on with my day now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Fighting

I’ve had four hours sleep today and I have work in a couple of hours. What could possibly go wrong, eh?

I did a good deed this morning/afternoon. My sister needed to have a little anomaly in her leg cut out and she asked me to accompany her, so of course I said yes. She’s my little sister after all! We had coffee beforehand, which was me being clever because I knew if I had real coffee shop coffee too late in the afternoon then I’d never sleep before work.

Despite having the coffee before midday, I still couldn’t get off this evening and eventually gave up. I’ll be ok, I’ll just catch up tomorrow (and make sure I’m topped up with caffeine before work).

Anyway, my sister’s appointment did bring it’s own little bit of happiness. The doctor and assisting nurse she saw were such lovely people, and the first thing the nurse said is that you can tell we are sisters because we look so alike. This brings me nothing but joy, because it’s only very recently that I’ve looked anything like my sister. My face was so… distorted by fat that we didn’t look at all alike, but we sure do now. We get the same comment from every new person we meet in fact.

It’s extra good because I’ve always thought that my sister is beautiful, and now by default that must mean that I’m not quite as ugly as my internal thoughts try to tell me I am. I can’t be mean about myself, because that means I’m being mean to my sister too. There’s some logic in there, honestly!

So. Moving on.

Last night I got angry. Then I decided to fight for what I want. And then I got excited. I’m still excited now. It can be so goddamn tiring, fighting for the life you want, and sometimes you just want to say to hell with it. Sometimes, like me, you do. And you end up eating everything in sight for two weeks, or two months even. It sure feels like two months to me, but the number on the scales shows me that I must be doing something right at least some of the time. And it’s never, ever too late to pick yourself up and start again.

I never give myself enough credit, because what I’ve done so far is incredible. It still amazes me to think that I have enough clothes to wear something different every day of the week, and I feel comfortable enough in every single item that I don’t have to stress about what I’m putting on.

Up until now this kind of heat would see me trying on several different outfits, trying to find something cool enough to wear that also wouldn’t show too much of me, all the time getting hotter, sweatier, more out of breath, stressed and upset. Now when I’m picking my outfit my sole concern is whether I can get away with not ironing it!

What’s really exciting for me right now is that for the first time in months I truly, deep down in my heart of hearts want to get back on plan, and I truly want to do it just for myself. I lost my way for a little while there, but I found the trail of breadcrumbs. So to speak.

And although it feels like a fresh start, I’m not actually starting over. Because there’s something in me now that knows when enough is enough, before any real damage starts to be done. Before I’m telling myself that I really am as happy at 18 stone as I was at 14-something, and ending up at 20+ stone before I admit to myself that it was a complete lie.

After making the decision to really have a big shake-up in my life, and I mean literally minutes after, my first test arrived. A nice chap at work invited me to the pub on Monday and it took every bit of willpower I have to decline the invite.

It’s perfectly reasonable to be following the Slimming World plan and still go out and have a few drinks, but for me I don’t want to risk losing momentum before I’ve even got going again. This particular person is at the pub most weekends, and we get the same days off, so I’ve promised him that I will indeed come out in the future. But for now I have goals to smash. 

And I won’t stop fighting until I’ve smashed them all.

Hayley x

PS I can’t stand a post without anything nice to look at, so here’s me hanging out with the green one. Enjoy!

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Getting Out

Now I think of it, having this week off of training couldn’t have worked out better. Let’s face it, it’s way too hot to run, even in the shade. Since having that revelation I feel a lot better about the whole resting thing.

Mr. S picked me up this afternoon and for a trip back to Warley Place, which we visited last month. This time we had another friend of his along for the ride, and we all enjoyed the gentle stroll which is mostly in the shade. Which is helpful, because the thermometer tipped a rather toasty 30 degrees celsius today. I took my wide-angle lens with me this time to get a different take on the same scenery.

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I’m already looking forward to coming here in the autumn, I bet it’s absolutely beautiful.

Yesterday was a good photo day too. Mr. S is a member of the Royal Horticultural Society so he took me to Hyde Hall as his non-paying guest. It sounds really fancy if you aren’t an RHS member, but it’s more or less the same of being a National Trust or English Heritage member – you pay a membership fee and visit as many places as you like.

Hyde Hall is well worth a visit if  you’re ever in Essex, the gardens are stunning. It was swelteringly hot, which I’m not complaining about because I hate the cold so damn much, but I’m the first to admit getting caught by sprinkler spray every so often was very refreshing!

They also have a sculpture trail on at the moment, and I know we didn’t manage to see all of them.

It’s been ages since I had quite so many photo opportunities in one place. Afterwards I went back to Mr. S’s for dinner and a movie, where we slowly melted on his sofa, and were periodically visited by an expectant fox.

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Mr. S is a sucker for foxes. This little guy knew full well he had a big chunk of ham coming his way!

It’s back to work for me tonight and I have another busy day coming up tomorrow. My sister is having a little (benign) lump removed from her leg and I’m going with her because she’s a fainter. She’ll sometimes pass out if it’s just slightly warm and she’s a bit dehydrated so the combination of this heat and a little procedure could be troublesome. I reckon she’ll be fine, but I’d best accompany her just in case.

Then I have work Saturday night but I’m already anticipating my next couple of days off because I am just zonked. Although I’ve just remembered that I may have to come into work Sunday because I agreed to swap shifts with someone so he can go out disco dancing… I’m just too nice!

Until next time,

Hayley x

Struggling

Not training really sucks. I’m currently 6th in the Fitbit leaderboard, which is unheard of. I am almost always first, unless my sister has a particularly adventurous weekend and she syncs her tracker before me. I quickly knock her back off the top spot straight after.

Competitive? Me? Well I never thought so until I started tracking my steps.

I’ve spent today looking at alternatives to tide me over while I’m resting my knee. The number one choice seems to be swimming, but after my dip in the lake I discovered that I’m really not very good at it and need some lessons.

I really used to love Aqua Aerobics at one of the smaller local council pools, so I thought I’d see if they still do classes. All of my locals pools have been done up fairly recently and the facilities are much better, but I’ve now found that they are ridiculously expensive. The Aqua Aerobics classes used to be £3.50, now they’re £6. Or, I could get a membership for £45 a month. Maybe I could utilise it enough to warrant the cost, but they want £60 up front on top of that.

Erm, you about you go eff yourselves?! How is that making fitness accessible to people in a deprived area?

My fitness is now hugely important to me, so really I might have considered forking out just temporarily, but as it happens I have given away all of this month’s expendable income to a friend in need. On top of that I miscalculated my bills and have left things a little tighter than they should have been, so the theme of this month is frugality.

In a way I’m quite enjoying it (she says, only 4 days into the month…) because I’m relishing the thought of clearing out the cupboards of all the bits and bobs. I’m still trying to declutter, and that goes for the kitchen, too. Now I’m out and about more I visit Aldi or Lidl most days, so there’s no need for me to have tons of store cupboard ingredients. The quest for a simple, clutter-free life continues!

I am struggling in general though. I’m struggling with my mood, struggling to stay on plan, struggling to stay positive. I feel like I’m treading water while I’m desperately trying to find my mojo. Does anyone know where it went?

My plan is to start walking a little bit more from tonight, because I’m on a different department at work and will need to anyway, so I’ll see how my knee fares with ordinary walking. If I’ve walked anywhere so far I’ve made sure I’m wearing proper supportive footwear, and I’ve put nice insoles in my horribly hard-soled work boots. Even when my knee was hurting the most I could still walk for miles without it seeming to make things worse, so I reckon I’ll be ok. We will see! And the doctor didn’t say anything about not walking, so I suppose it’s allowed.

As for food I’m just taking it one meal at a time, because I’m craving sugary crap like there’s no tomorrow. But giving in to those cravings won’t lead to anything good, so I just have to cling on for dear life.

If I keep putting one foot in front of the other, then things will get easier again.

On a more positive note I’m absolutely LOVING my meals outside in the shade of our apple tree. So that’s something at least!

It’s now time for a gentle stroll to Lidl for a veg top-up, so I’ll say bye for now.

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x

Runner’s Knee

I managed to do a little bit of running this week, even though with the sweltering weather we’ve been having I wasn’t sure it was the best idea. However Mr. S’s local knowledge is unparalleled and he took me to a shady little glen, where there’s a 1.5 mile route that’s perfect for running in hot weather.

The temperature difference in there was astounding – it was so cool. And it was also so pretty. I do love a bit of dappling!

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After the run my knee was still feeling OK, so we decided to go again the next day and do the route twice. It’s really hilly, and it was a killer, but still my knee didn’t hurt! I started to feel cautiously optimistic, but then after my pre-work sleep the pain came back with a bang.

I had my doctors appointment this morning and I was told that I have runner’s knee, and that with rest everything should go back to normal ‘soon’. However when I researched it later (at my doctor’s suggestion) it seems it could take weeks before it’s back to normal. There’s also no set treatment because the specific causes can be so varied, so I’m not sure whether it’s OK to cycle or not, or if I should try other strengthening exercises. They could help or make things worse. The only solid advice at this stage is to do nothing, so to speak, so I’ll give it a week of resting and see how things go. I’m not exactly taken with the idea though.

This means that my eating must, must, MUST be perfect. And I’ll be honest, it hasn’t been great (again) for the last week. Then Friday I went out on the town and seriously over-indulged on the liquid diet front, but that really has to be it now. I need to only be saying yes to healthy activities! The good news is that so far I’ve managed to avoid a crazy gain, so that’s something at least.

I’ve definitely slipped back into a habit of using food to deal with my emotions, but thankfully it’s nothing like it was before or I’d be in serious trouble. When I was feeling really, really sad about Mr. S I allowed myself a few ‘eff it’ days, then when I started feeling better and more positive I allowed myself a few ‘well done for getting through it, celebrate with food’ days. Then one epic ‘stumble through the door at 6:30am’ night.

It’s not the way to do it, I just have to be honest here about what I’ve done even if it means I’ve gone against what I said I was going to do yet again. I do believe that no matter how many times I set out to do something and fail, I need to just keep trying. Because even if all I achieve at this stage is preventing myself from regaining everything I’ve lost, then that’s still a huge achievement. After all so few people keep off the weight they’ve lost, I will just grit my teeth and start over as many times as it takes to not become part of that statistic. It doesn’t have to be that way!

The rest of July is going to be great, you mark my words. Yesterday I got myself a nice non-food treat – a little table and chairs so I can eat my healthy dinners in the garden.

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I’m going to use my exercise downtime wisely and make sure everything at home is spick and span, plus I’m going to do some core-strengthening and upper body work (basically anything that doesn’t involve me moving my knee too much). I should save a whole lot of time because when I train with Mr. S I spend 40 minutes out of my day driving to our nice locations (it’s important to train in nice places I think but still.. 40 minutes!) and I usually end up staying for lunch afterwards so of course that takes up time too.

All in all I’m just infinitely relieved because I was so worried the doctor would tell me I had to stop running for good. That would have been tough to get my head around, but still if that ever happens I know I’ll be able to adapt.

Right then, I’d best get cracking because the vacuuming won’t do itself. If only it would!

Thanks for reading,

Hayley x